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Monday, January 31, 2011

I want HIM to see me!

I can't shake this desire to meet up with an old boyfriend for the purpose of letting him see how I look now.  The last time we got together a few years ago, I was at my heaviest.  I hating him seeing me like that. 

When we were together, I weighed 118 lbs. (53.5 kg.) at the lowest and probably 155 (70.3 kg.) at the highest.  I rode my bike and walked everyday.  I did yoga and worked out in a gym.  During the first year we were together, I struggled with bulimia more than I ever had in my life.  After that year, my weight fluctuated quite a bit, but I was always within 20 lbs. (9 kgs.) or so of the weight I was when I met him. 

Here's a couple of pictures that I found the other day of us:






Sorry for the white cropping around the photo.  I scanned those pictures.  I'm not sure why they look like that.  Anyways...He and I are facebook friends so he may have noticed that I'm smaller now since I've kept my profile pictures updated.  Honestly I don't think he's noticed. 

See, that's the problem with that guy and that relationship.  He was very, very self-obsessed.  I know that I wouldn't be able to stand being with him now.  But in my heart, he remains...special?  The one that got away?  My Mr. Big?

Please don't think that I don't love Matthew, my current fella, and the father of my kids.  But our relationship has always been so much work (see a trend?).  And it has always been one-sided in many ways.  I love him, but it has never been that intense, life-changing sort of love. 

So I wish that I could bump into HIM.  He lives in a different state so it doesn't seem likely.  But I want him to...eat his heart out?  See what he's missing?  Long like I long?    

17 comments:

Justawallflower said...

Oh my, I deal with this with one ex in particular as well. I could not have a better relationship than the one I have with my husband, but that ONE, we have history. I grew up with him. We were together for 10 years, off and on. I waited for him through a lot, and even gave up my dream career for him. And the last time I saw him I was very near my heaviest. Once I get to goal I want to "bump" into him as well. I would never get back together with him. Sure, we had the passion, but it was a very toxic passion. I'll always have a place in my heart for him, but now I just want him to see what he missed out on!

Erica125 said...

Hi Amanda,
Thank you for your sweet comments! I've read through your blog...you're doing amazing! I hope I am as successful as you have been one year out! I'm excited to see my new doctor on Friday and hopefully "catch up" with my fill!

Erica

Lyla said...

I think that's so totally normal. The reality of it would probably be a bit of a let-down, but I understand the desire.

Mandy said...

Hi Amanda,
Thanks for joining my blog! You are absolutely right about the Amanda's. Although, my real name is Mandy! LOL.
Nice to meet you! I look forward to reading up on your blog to get to know you better!
Take care,

Gilly said...

Oh dude...wow...do I ever hear this!

Kristin said...

I think many of us have someone we'd really love to see us at our best. So at least you're not alone.

Lee Ann said...

Yeah I understand the desire too...it happened for me and it was good. I wish I'd been a wee bit thinner but.... My Mr. Big was smitten all over again regardless but I was already married. It stirred up some old wounds but for the most part, I finally got the closure I needed. I stopped thinking of the "what-ifs", the "what-might-have-beens" because I realized he was still mostly just in love with himself.

Dizzy Girl said...

I have a few of these in my past too, completely normal.

xoxox-

D

~Lisa~ said...

So completely normal.. I think we have have someone we would like to "bump into" when we're looking our best, our healtiest.. Trouble is, I tent to "bump into" these folks when I am feeling my frumpiest and look like I just scrubbed my basement on hands and knees before I decided to go out and about!

Lonicera said...

You know what? I've been waiting for this post from you, after reading one of yours a year or so ago. You probably need to get it out of your system, and see what HE looks like now... put your past to rest. Isn't he on FB?
Caroline

Gen said...

Figure out how to get it out of your system, like Lonicera said. Hmmm, how to get this done?

Gen said...

Funny, I was thinking, I don't have anyone like that. Because I was skinnier for all my exes - only poor DH got to see me fat!

Ronnie said...

I think we all have an ex like that, and it's so hard not to want to rub your weight loss in their faces, especially if they made you feel like you needed to lose weight during the relationship. (If, like me, you had the misfortune of being heavy when you were with them. God forbid!) But I wouldn't worry about him not noticing on Facebook, maybe he's not on there often? Or like you said, he's a narcissistic asshat who wouldn't notice if his own mother dropped over 100 lbs.

Shannon said...

I deff. have one of them. The relationship was horrible and I just want to rub in his face when I get to goal how amazing I look and everything he losed just because he didn't know how to treat a woman the right way. I like ronnies description of narcissistic asshat. that made me giggle.

Libby said...

Seems like we all have one or two of these. My 30th high school reunion is coming up in a couple of years and I would love to be at my goal weight then.

Unfortunately, I am sure I will never bump in to my ex (the one true love of my life) who I would give anything to see at my goal weight. I want him to regret leaving me with every fiber of his being.

Stef said...

hey I too have an ex who I would love to rub in his face my weightloss ...show him what hes missing...I say do it and itll make u feel so much better...and I second I love Ronnies comment lol

MandaPanda said...

I think a lot of people deal with the "special one" syndrome. I have one who saw me just before I was banded and even just being 34 lbs down, I wish he could see me now. Totally get it.