Are you a different person?

Have you noticed the blogs where people have become super-studs running 5Ks, commuting by bicycle, doing Zumba and lifting weights like it's their JOB?  What about those who are now eating for health and nutrition instead of eating for entertainment and stress release?  A few bloggers have gotten out of bad relationships with spouses and friends as well.  Which makes me wonder, do we become different people after weight loss surgery?

My messed up relationship with food was a HUGE part of who I was.  In a lot of ways, I felt like two people: There was the healthy Amanda who has been a vegetarian since age 19, who exercised regularly, who cared about health and fitness.  And then there was the other Amanda, who wanted to binge and overeat at every opportunity.  She looked at giving up unhealthy foods and unhealthy behaviors like someone looks at giving up their hair.  She didn't want any part of it.  That Amanda clung to her behaviors.  She wanted to be thin, but she didn't want to change.

I lived in two states.  I was either overeating and/or binging or I was carefully dieting, recording the fat and calorie content of every morsel that went into my mouth, exercising religiously and obsessing about food.  If I screwed up on the diet, all hell would break loose and I'd eat and eat and eat.  There was NO MIDDLE GROUND.  There was NO MODERATION.  It was either one or the other.  I didn't even believe that I could ever be normal with food or have a normal life in that regard.  I do not remember EVER, not one day in my entire life, when I can honestly say that I was not in one extreme or the other.

Weight loss surgery changed everything.  It did things I didn't know it could or would.  I hoped that I would lose weight, but I didn't know that I would discover the freedom and joy of a life of moderation.  My Lap-band made me eat smaller portions.  It made me slow down when I was eating.  I actually did not always do a bad job with food choices pre-op so I just continued eating the foods I always had.  I didn't know my problem was really one of portion control until I could sit down and eat a moderate portion and feel good about it.

As I lost weight, I stopped beating myself up.  I stopped hating myself when it came to food.  I learned to ENJOY the food I ate instead of feeling ashamed when I ate, no matter what I was eating.  I began to enjoy eating for good health and for fitness.  I savored the treats I ate, but I also now understand that moderation doesn't mean eating everything I want, all the time.  I have to regulate the portions and frequency of desserts and snack foods and I have discovered that I can do this.  Sometimes I fail and make bad choices, but generally I do a pretty good job.

I've had a chance in the last few months to really remember what it was like for me before weight loss surgery.  Those who read my blog know I gained a few pounds over the holidays and have struggled to take them off.  I finally acknowledged that I needed the help a fill can give me and saw my fill doc this week.  I don't know why I waited so long, but I don't regret the brief glance of how I don't want to live my life.  I have been dieting and having occasional binges.  I have been living in the two ends of the spectrum that I knew before surgery.  I did it because it was familiar and apparently because I'm not very quick on the uptake.  I didn't realize what I was doing, but now I see things clearly.

So am I a different person?  No, I'm still me with all my fabulous flaws.  The "other" Amanda still lives within me.  She will always be in me, but now she and my true self are learning to play nice and live in harmony.

How about you?  Are YOU a different person?

   

Ah, mushies...

I am sitting here eating my vegetarian re-fried beans with a sprinkle of melted cheese and a dollop of sour cream like a good Bandster who just got a fill.  So yummy!  Definitely my favorite mushy meal!

I think I sort of forgot I had a Lap-band which probably tells you how little restriction that I had.  Sitting here eating my lunch slowly, I am feeling like a Lap-band patient for the first time in a while. 

I am almost embarrassed to confess that I only had .25 ccs in my 4 cc band.  Now I have 1 cc.  I've had as much as 2.7 ccs before, but I had issues with reflux at that level.  I'm a total fill light-weight, but I can honestly say that regardless of how much fill I have in my band, I still feel some restriction and it still helps me at least a little bit in this battle.  So I hoping this level gives me what I need and doesn't give me what I don't need (reflux).

And that's the skinny! 

Well, duh!

I have a real hard time spending money on myself.  A really hard time.  Almost all of my clothes are purchased with gift cards I get for my birthday or Christmas.  I only have three pairs of pants.  Until Friday of last week ALL of my shoes had holes in them except a pair of rubber rain boots.

I think of myself as frugal.  I have lived on a tight budget for so long that I know that if there is something that we need, I have to plan and save to make it happen.  And there's always something that we need.  Kids need new coats, new shoes, soccer gear, summer camp, new clothes.  The list goes on and on.  The things that I need almost never make it to the top of the list.  Take the shoe example - I bought new tennis shoes (with a gift card) in September, but they got holes in them in December (stupid crappy shoes).  So I started wearing my old tennis shoes again.  They were in okay shape, but they were starting to get holes in the insoles and a small hole in the top.  My dress shoes also had holes in the insoles and were no longer water proof.  So I just didn't wear them in the rain.  I wore my ugly rain boots and changed my shoes when I got to wherever I was going.  I was chatting with some friends from church about it last week.  After we talked I walked home (I walk to church whenever I can because it is only a mile from my house and don't get me started on gas prices).   I got a blister on the bottom of my foot from where the hole in the insole was rubbing against my skin.  So yes, I could no longer deny that I needed new shoes.

Luckily I found a deal at Costco.  I got a cute pair of Fila tennis shoes for $19.99.

But why was I walking around with holes in my shoes?  Yes, I have to be careful with money, but could I really not afford to get some shoes that didn't have holes in them?  I don't know. 

So maybe instead of being frugal I am really cheap, at least when it comes to buying myself things. 

This is a really long post to get me to the point where I say this: I am getting a fill tomorrow.  It will cost $190.  I hate that I am spending $190 on a fill and I keep trying to convince myself that I don't need it, I don't want it, I can get by without it.  But I have really been struggling with trying to lose the 7 pounds I have gained.  Even though my food has been back under control after a short Christmas deviation, the extra weight hasn't come off.  And I am starting to feel really bad about myself.  I'm starting to say horrible things to myself in my head.  I have binged because I am trying to diet and for every diet there is an equal and opposite binge, at least for me.  And then I had this thought this morning:

Well, duh!

I have a Lap-band.  One of the reasons I paid over $6,000 for the stupid thing was for situations JUST LIKE THE ONE I AM EXPERIENCING.  The Lap-band is "rechargeable".  I can get a fill and it will work better.

Well, duh!

So I called my fill doc and am going in tomorrow.  I will be spending $190 on the fill and it will help me to end the cycle that I am on right now.  I am not going to try to do this on my own.  I know that won't work, which is another reason that I got the Lap-band.

You know, for a pretty smart person, I can be really dumb sometimes!

Blushing!

I received this email from a very cute tenant this morning who is probably 25 years old (I'll be 39 this year):

Amanda,
I'm sorry to bother you with this and hope you will not be either offended or see need to report it up the later. First of all I would like to thank you for the flexibility and understanding you showed at the first of the year and moving forward.
Beyond that I wanted to say that you are extremely beautiful, and I noticed you don't wear a ring. So I was hoping you would entertain drinks or lunch someday. I had planned to do this face to face but as I just dropped off my rent their were several other individuals in the office.
Have a wonderful day and I hope to hear from you soon.
Dylan

Oh, my!  I am so flattered.  I sent him a very nice response and declined due to the fact that I have a boyfriend.  I also told him he made my day!

Not where I want to be

I haven't had to work so hard to lose weight since being banded and so far, no progress whatsoever.  WTF?!?!

I thought I was out of the 170's forever, but I am stuck at 174 after gaining about 7 pounds over the holidays.  I reined in my holiday eating right after the first of the year and started logging my food, with no loss.  Since I was logging, I could see that I was eating about 1,800 calories a day which is too much for weight loss so I dropped my calories down to about 1,500.  No loss.  At the same time I was dropping my food down, I increased my protein AND increased my exercise, but I still haven't lost anything. 

So now what?  Jeez!  I swear I didn't work this hard to lose 115 lbs.  During that time I could have done any ONE of the things I've done and seen results.  Just logging my food would have allowed me to make progress.

This SUCKS!!!

I was chatting about it to a friend who had surgery pretty recently and she said, "Well, you know what you need to do.", but the thing is I really don't know what to do.  I am NOT overeating.  I am being honest and putting in the work.  Where the hell are my results?

The ONLY thing that makes sense at this point is to keep plugging away.  I'm not gaining.  Perhaps when the weather gets better and I am more active, things will start moving again on their own (providing, of course, that I keep eating well and logging my food and exercising).  I'm not going to let it fuck with my brain (much) because that is where I really can get into trouble (in my own mind).  When I throw up my hands and say, "Fuck it!  It doesn't matter what I do, so why do anything?" I will start gaining and I do not want to be there again. 

I also will start saving money for a fill.  My restriction is weird.  I know I can eat more than I could previously.  I also am eating more frequently than I probably should.  I am worried about acid reflux, but a very small tweak should be okay (I hope).

Reading List Maintenance

A while ago I discovered that I'd exceeded the number of blogs that I could follow, at least according to Blogger.  If you're curious, they allow you to follow 300 blogs.  It is kind of irritating to see that I have a new follower and go to their page and discover that I couldn't follow them back.  So before I forget, if you are following me and I am not following you, please leave your blog address in my comments.

So I started the process of reviewing all of the blogs that I am following.  I'm only on the D's.  Sigh.  I noticed some stupid things about Blogger.  #1 - If a blog no longer exists, I cannot "de-follow" it.  Stupid.  #2 - If a blog has been made private, I have to send an email or some other BS and ask to be allowed to stop following the blog.  Also stupid.  Or maybe I'm the stupid one.  It is possible that I am doing it wrong, especially when you consider that it took me a really long time to figure out why I couldn't add more blogs to my reading list and an even longer time to learn how to stop following blogs.  If you have any tips, I'd appreciate them.

What I really wanted to post about, however, is how it feels to stop following a blog.  Sometimes I chose to stop following because they haven't posted in six  months or two years.  In those cases, their last post was usually something like, "I can't believe how long it has been since I posted!  I am a bad blogger!" (Ya think?) Sometimes the last post was more like, "I am really struggling and need help."  (How did that end?) A couple last posts were, "I had a horrible stuck episode" which left me wondering if they never recovered.  (Can that happen?).  I know blogging isn't for everyone, but as I glanced at the blogs and the last posts of people who had stopped blogging for whatever reason, I felt sad and wished I knew that things were going well for them. 

Then there were blogs that I really wanted to stop following.  People whose blogs I never read because something about them irritated me or we just didn't jive for whatever reason.  A few of the blogs I was following were people who had not had WLS.  They were trying to lose weight through WW or some other method.  When I've read their blog posts, they usually sound like things I could have written a few years ago. ("Everything is great.  I'm following the diet 100%.  I rock!" Followed by, "I slipped up.  I'm going to start again."  And then, "I suck.  I hate myself.")  It isn't that I can't relate or don't empathize with their situation that caused me to de-follow them.  It is more that I spent too much of my life on THAT particular treadmill and I just don't have the energy to do it again.

There were also a couple of blogs (okay maybe just one) that I wanted to un-follow, but I didn't.  At some point the blogger said something that hurt my feelings.  In general I like her blog and can relate to many of the things she talks about, but I can't get past the hurt.  Dumb, right?

And remember, I'm just on the D's!  

Happy Valentine's Day!

One of the coolest things about being two years post-op (as of this past Sunday) and being at goal is that every so often, someone acts as if I know a thing or two about weight loss.  I can't lie; it strokes my ego a bit!  Here in Blogland, there is no bigger honor than being featured in the Band Superstars blog.  (The second biggest honor, IMHO, is having Amy W. or Band Groupie comment on something I've written).  I am the February superstar, which is amazing and very flattering.  Thank you, Sandra, for thinking of me and for all of your efforts to keep the Superstar blog going!  You can read all about me right here.