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Monday, May 3, 2010

Enough?

Contenment. Satisfaction. Enough. Abundance.

For me these words evoke thoughts about food and how I could never get enough. Eating was about getting as much deliousness into my mouth as I would let myself have. I was never satisfied. Even if I had the most decadent meal, I was left wanting. Wanting what, I'm not sure. More food? Sometimes. Peace with myself? Yeah, probably. Sure, I was physisically full, but I was never content.

But now a miracle has happened! I got my lap-band and I've lost 35+ lbs. (16+ Kg.). The obsession with food has abated. I have no doubt that I will lose all the extra weight over the next year or so. Finally my food-nightmare is ending.

So am I satisfied? No, not really.

Because I am too busy stressing out about money and my finances to even reflect on how MAJOR this is. I have longed to be free from my obsession with food since I was 10 years old! 26 years I have struggled! But am I content? Nope. Am I satisfied? Not really. WTF??? No seriously, what the hell is WRONG with me?

Sure, my finances are strained right now. My fella has been out of work since the beginning of the year. But I've lived frugally for all of my adult life. I don't have any credit card debt. The only bills I have are household bills (electricity, satellite TV, etc.), the mortgage, health insurance, student loan and car payment. My income covers all of these and leaves enough money for gas and food. We're not living LARGE, but we're getting by! And I don't have HUGE reserves, but I do have some money in savings, a CD, my IRA and the kids' college fund. So worse case scenario, we'd still be able to float for a good-long time. A lot of people in my situation would feel pretty good right about now. They wouldn't consider themselves rich, but they would feel that they had ENOUGH.

But the truth is, we have MORE than enough. Like most North Americans, we have lots of stuff. Nothing really valuable, but we are comfortable. We have a small house, but it is warm and secure. We have chickens and a vegetable garden and a bunch of fruit trees so we won't starve. We have books on the shelves and library cards to allow us to enrich our minds. Every member of my family is healthy and usually happy. We live down the street from a little park so we always have cheap entertainment available. We have bicycles and feet for exercise. We have two cats and a dog for companionship. My job is very secure, but even if I lost it, this country has resources for the destatute. We are members of a wonderful church community which gives us lots of opportunities for service and spiritual enrichment. We have an ABUNDANCE!

My fill Friday is doing its job. I am really, really tight and I have a ton of restriction. I am eating about 500 calories/day LESS than I was eating before the fill and I wasn't eating a lot then. I am really struggling to get food in at this point which is actually a nice change of pace. I know this last paragraph doesn't flow with the rest of the post, but I wanted to tell you where I am at band-wise.

So to each of you and especially myself, I wish peace today! Enjoy what you have. Appreciate your blessings. Recognize your progress. Know that no amount of food or money can ever fill you up unless you let it. So allow yourself to be content. Be satisfied.

11 comments:

Lonicera said...

Love your post Amanda. Be grateful for what we have. I'm drafting a post at the moment looking at why we keep telling ourselves that we need rewards for doing well, and I'd like to quote one of your last sentences (with acknowledgment of course).
Caroline

amandakiska said...

Help yourself and thanks for asking!

MandaPanda said...

Love this post! So true...it just never is enough. Money is the same way. People always want more, but when they have it, they spend it all and then want even more of it! I think many of us think losing weight will solve all our problems and, unfortunately, it just isn't so. Thanks for sharing.

Amy said...

Soooo true. I've been having a pity party over my solo parenting situation, but I had to have a talk with myself and tell myself to be content with what I have, which is an awful lot!

Thanks for posting!

Bonnie said...

It is so hard to be content sometimes. Especially since I'm preband. I'm wanting the time to pass so I can get my surgery instead of enjoying each day to it's fullest. Then they are talking about layoffs at my work and that worries me so when I'm not rushing the days, I'm worrying. Will try to do better.

Jenny said...

I love your post! Sometimes I have to make myself a list of what I'm grateful for to remind myself that its not that bad.

-Grace- said...

This is such a powerful post, Amanda! Thanks for writing it.

Drazil said...

Great post and so true...."I have enough" has become one of my mantras. If I look around - I can find many people with bigger stressers and more sadness than they deserve and to not recognize what I have would be a shame.

Girl Bandit said...

Love this post Amanda...I feel satisfied with my [progress and my restriction too. Just in the same place as you. I love my life and my family ...thanks for this....

Tina said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tina said...

Great post Amanda-I totally agree that we often get caught up in thinking and pursuing what we don't have and forgo smelling the roses in our own back yard. :)...I am definitely guilty of that.