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Thursday, February 3, 2011

When weight loss doesn't change anything...

I didn't really believe that things would be different when I lost the weight.  I tried not to live my life in the future.  I didn't want to put things off until "someday" when I lost the weight.  I believed that I may never lose the weight and I was determined to live my life regardless of what size I was.  Or so I thought.

Maybe it's the inherent drama that's missing.  When I was fat I could fantasize about being thinner.  I could imagine a time when I would be happier.  Life would be better.  As I lost the weight, the excitement of losing was very motivating.  It punctuated my week.  I was either going to be weighing soon or had just weighed.  The whole process was invigorating.  I was having weight loss surgery!  I was losing weight!  I was no longer obese! I hit Onderland!  I hit 100 lbs. down! I posted near-naked photos of myself on the internet!

And now I'm thin.  My weight is changing slowly from week to week. 178.4, 177.6, 176.8, 176.0...

But life isn't any better.  I'm still me.  I still have arguments with my fella.  My kids are still sassy.  I have to scrimp and save to get by. Gas is more than $3.00 a gallon.  There's chaos in Egypt.  J.K. Rowling still isn't writing any new Harry Potter books. 

Maybe I have blizzard envy.  A good ol' natural disaster would certainly be more exciting than the clear and cold weather we've had in the Pacific Northwest.

I wish I had something to look forward to, something more exciting than same-ole, same-ole.  Vacation plans.  A day off.  Dinner out.  Anything!

I know money plays a big part of my apathy.  If I had extra money I could buy some new clothes (which I desperately need) or plan a trip or get a pedicure.  Hell, I could even go get a health exam without wondering how I was going to pay for it!  I don't mind being frugal most of the time.  I'm proud of how far I stretch my income.  I know many others are in the same boat or even worse.  I have everything I need and a few things I want.  But it gets so tedious to always have to count pennies and budget, budget, budget when something is coming up.  Like my daughter's 10th birthday on the 28th.  I've tucked away $30 for a gift for her.  I haven't planned a party yet because I don't know what kind of budget I'll have for that. 

I have the thing I've wanted for most of my life.  I have peace with my body, with food, my weight.  I have the very thing that I was sure would bring me happiness.  Why am I not happy?          

18 comments:

Amanda said...

All I can say is that loads of people are feeling the same way. It's like winter blues.

I am sorry that you are down right now but I do feel positive that things will be brighter.

Do something for yourself. I know you are budgeting but find something at a consignment shop that you love. I bought some lip stick the other day and it made me feel loads better!

Nella said...

PEACE....I like that!
I always thought the same but right now at 162, I just feel prettier and more confident. Worth millions to me!
One day a time!

Shannon said...

I think we all get to caught up in what will happen when we get to goal weight. It messes with your head. Think about the stuff that you can reward yourself with that doesnt cost money. Do a living room picnic, make decorations out of stuff you already have for your daughters b-day. Have a coffee party with some friends at your place. (if you like coffee, substitute other stuff if not). Little things like that really break up your week.

One thing that I have learned is that there is always something to do that doesnt cost money. Pay for the military folks isnt all it's cracked up to be. hang in there and give some of these a try.

Leslie said...

I know what you are feeling all too well. When I feel this way I usually over eat or spend too much money. It's a tedious cycle.

I've started to follow a lot of crafty blogs that have awesome ideas for inexpensive party ideas. What they come up with is super cute!

Libby said...

Maybe you need a new goal to strive toward. The weigh loss has slowed down so it is not as exciting to you. Perhaps training for a 10K or a triathalon or perhaps learning something new. I know it's not a lot to go on, but you have to continue to propel yourself forward and have something to look forward to. It is so easy to get down about the circumstances we have so little control over. So, to the extent you can, find something that you have always wanted to do and plot a course to it.

I hope you start feeling better soon. Winter always has a way of getting me down too.

Susan said...

I totally think it is the winter. But I do know how you are feeling. Although being so far from goal and needing to lost the 100 lbs I am still in the mindset that you were in before.
A lot of people are struggling in this economy but you have your health and not only your health but are feeling thinner, stronger, and great. Enjoy that!! Maybe look for some community activities that don't cost a lot of money. . .

tessierose said...

I think there is lot to be said for chasing the dream. It really is a good distraction when you can say..."when I reach my goal, etc."
I'm sorry things are hard right now, I hope they get better soon. How is your fella's job situation? That will sure help if things get going for him.

MandaPanda said...

Preaching to the choir Amanda! I think everyone is striving for the ultimate happiness. My hubby was going through something similar... "Things will be better when I get into law school," "Things will be betterw when I graduate...when we move back to AZ...when I pass the bar...when I get a new job...another job...get out of credit card debt (still working on this)...lose weight..." I finally told him that none of that stuff is going to make him happy unless he can just be content with himself and what he has. It's important to have a purpose in life but sometimes it's just hard to find it. I hope you find your purpose and your happiness... you certainly deserve it.

Ann-Marie said...

It's weird I'm happy with my body but now I'm bummed I don't have money for new clothes.
I have been a bit down the last few days and it mostly bounces back to money. I'm sick of counting pennies, I'm sick of budgeting food from week to week. Like you said, I know others have it worse. I'm lucky to have a roof over my head but I wish life could be more then just figuring how to pay for it.
Cheer up, you never know what tomorrow will bring.

Drazil said...

You probably weren't happy before but you thought it was the weight. NOw the weight is gone - but the unhappiness remains. Make a list - of everything you would do and change - if I told you money was no object. Just dream, make the list, don't think. And keep writing until you are tapped out - and then re-read it....and see how much of it is true and then go after it!

Tully said...

Wow, I could have written that post, it is so close to how I am feeling. Losing weight and wondering, now what? Is this all there is?

I agree that I feel like money for new clothes or pedicure would help, but maybe it would just be like the weight loss and we'd have money and say, now what?

Kristin said...

Draz's suggestion is an excellent one. Pretend you are the Sultan of Brunei and make your list. Maybe I'll do that too. Sounds like fun.

In the meantime, hang in there. Spring is just around the corner.

Bonnie said...

Money can't buy you happiness, but it can make life a lot easier. I wish I had clothes to pass on to you, but I'm still in size 20. :(

Sarah said...

Another great post. I think we have all used our weight as an excuse for why other things in our life aren't better. I was really overweight as a freshman in HS, and I used to pray I would be skinny and have a boyfriend and then my life would be perfect. Well, I got skinny and got the boyfriend. And then I screwed it all up and was miserable. I treated people badly and I was just not a good person. I took all the attention from boys and did not use it wisely! I actually remember thinking that being skinny caused me more problems than I had before. Luckily I'm not that person anymore. I do wonder what the day will be like when I wake up and don't think about losing weight that day! Wow. Will that be a strange day. Maybe similar to the morning I woke up after my wedding. For the first time in 2 years I wasn't worried about fitting into my wedding dress... it felt so good.

I'm sorry you aren't happy - I do think its seasonal - alot of people are down right now. We are all here for you!

Lisa said...

I don't know why you aren't happy, but one thing that you said that really hit home for me was about looking forward to and dreaming about what life will be like after you lose weight. That is me. I think about it all the time.

Dizzy Girl said...

Being thin and being happy are not the same thing- I know tons of women who are thin and miserable. I see this on people's blogs all the time and I wonder why everyone equates one with the other...when it's not that way at all in real life. Hmmm...who knows. Maybe it's time to shift the focus now that you're at peace with your body and start seeking happiness. I've been on this journey for five years...it's a rough road, but I can say that I'm happier now than I was 5 years ago. It takes a lot of soul searching; one thing that makes me happy that is a surprise, but I think works for everyone- is trying to give back to others. Try some volunteer work at a local shelter if you have the time; that always does wonders for my perception. :)

Good luck girl finding your happiness!!

xoxo-

D

Sam said...

I know what you mean. I have always thought that once I loose weight, I would have everything and finally be happy with my life. I not even half way there and I am already starting to realise that that is not going to be the case, I guess it is something we all need to work on.

Ronnie said...

I always think I'll be happy after I reach certain goals, but the reality is definitely a let-down. At 20 lbs down...I obsessed over, "Now only 93 more pounds to go." Now at 31 lbs down it's "Now only 9 lbs down until I hit my mini-goal of 40 by March 1st." It feels like a vicious cycle. I'm excited when I step on the scale and then after I just go about my day like it's not a victory. Not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing.

I know you've already gotten lots of comments about this, but just take some time each day to think back about everything you've accomplished, it helps me feel better when I'm obsessing about how far I have left to go. :)