I didn't really believe that things would be different when I lost the weight. I tried not to live my life in the future. I didn't want to put things off until "someday" when I lost the weight. I believed that I may never lose the weight and I was determined to live my life regardless of what size I was. Or so I thought.
Maybe it's the inherent drama that's missing. When I was fat I could fantasize about being thinner. I could imagine a time when I would be happier. Life would be better. As I lost the weight, the excitement of losing was very motivating. It punctuated my week. I was either going to be weighing soon or had just weighed. The whole process was invigorating. I was having weight loss surgery! I was losing weight! I was no longer obese! I hit Onderland! I hit 100 lbs. down! I posted near-naked photos of myself on the internet!
And now I'm thin. My weight is changing slowly from week to week. 178.4, 177.6, 176.8, 176.0...
But life isn't any better. I'm still me. I still have arguments with my fella. My kids are still sassy. I have to scrimp and save to get by. Gas is more than $3.00 a gallon. There's chaos in Egypt. J.K. Rowling still isn't writing any new Harry Potter books.
Maybe I have blizzard envy. A good ol' natural disaster would certainly be more exciting than the clear and cold weather we've had in the Pacific Northwest.
I wish I had something to look forward to, something more exciting than same-ole, same-ole. Vacation plans. A day off. Dinner out. Anything!
I know money plays a big part of my apathy. If I had extra money I could buy some new clothes (which I desperately need) or plan a trip or get a pedicure. Hell, I could even go get a health exam without wondering how I was going to pay for it! I don't mind being frugal most of the time. I'm proud of how far I stretch my income. I know many others are in the same boat or even worse. I have everything I need and a few things I want. But it gets so tedious to always have to count pennies and budget, budget, budget when something is coming up. Like my daughter's 10th birthday on the 28th. I've tucked away $30 for a gift for her. I haven't planned a party yet because I don't know what kind of budget I'll have for that.
I have the thing I've wanted for most of my life. I have peace with my body, with food, my weight. I have the very thing that I was sure would bring me happiness. Why am I not happy?