Tuesday, February 22, 2011
The one where Chandler can't cry
I can't cry. Ever. Not when my father-in-law died suddenly at the age of 60. Not when my brother-in-law committed suicide. Not when my biological father died. Not when three of my four grandparents died. Not when my children were born. Not even when the guy in the Folgers coffee commercial sneaks home secretly and wakes his parents up with aromatic coffee on Christmas morning.
I occasionally tear up. One or even two errant tears may make their way down my cheeks, but I don't cry. I think I'm dead inside.
When I was younger, I cried pretty regularly. I sobbed for days when Eddie and I broke up. I was devastated when my dog Bear died. I cried from time to time during the first several months of marriage. My emotions were quite overwhelming. My mom once said I was neurotic and she didn't mean it as a joke. I don't remember when I stopped crying. I think it had to do with some things that happened early on in my marriage. I felt really, profoundly let down by my husband.
If I have a strong emotion now, it is likely to be anger. I have said and done things in anger that I later regretted. I have broken things and said hurtful things that I can't take back. It doesn't happen often, thank God. Mostly I just coast along on a pretty even keel. I'm neither super-happy nor super-sad. I just am.
I used to use food to insulate myself from my emotions. I ate when I was angry, stressed, sad, whatever. Sometimes I still do, but not usually. Usually I just...am. Which kind of worries me. Am I really dead inside? Of course I know I'm not, but can you truly have joy without some sorrow?
Can anyone relate or am I the Chandler of our group?