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Tuesday, July 5, 2011

It's all in my head

Good morning, Blogland!  I hope you all had a wonderful weekend.  I enjoyed being off work for three days and setting off fireworks with my kids.  Oh yeah, I also realized that I'm still crazy.

Maybe crazy is too strong a word.  I realized that my food/scale/weight obsession is still alive and well, despite losing 114+ lbs. in 17 months.  Allow me to explain.

Last month I was rocking it.   I was logging my food using My Fitness Pal.  I lost four pounds over a month, which at this stage in the game is pretty amazing!  I saw my lowest low, 165.6 (2.6 lbs. from a "normal" BMI, but who's counting?).  And then one day, I stepped on the scale and I was up almost two pounds.  WTF?  My food and exercise had been spot-on.  There was NO reason for the gain.  Now this sort of thing is not completely unprecedented in my world so I told myself not to freak out.  I kept logging and weighed again the following week.  I was right about the same even though I did major physical activity one weekend when we re-roofed my house.  Whatever. 

I didn't freak out, although I wanted to.  But I did feel my enthusiasm slip a bit.  I stopped logging my food in My Fitness Pal.  This isn't the end of the world for me.  I consider logging to be optional at this point.  I do it when I want to and I don't when I don't.  My girls and I went away for the weekend and we ate out.  I didn't go overboard, but I also wasn't super careful.  When we came back I noticed I was feeling "weird" about the scale.  My weigh-day came and I didn't get on.  I was afraid that I would be up from all the restaurant meals.  I kept thinking I'd weigh the next day.  Then I had popcorn and I never weigh myself the day after eating popcorn.  Then it was my BIL's birthday and I didn't want to weigh myself after eating cake.  Then I went clothes shopping and I bought some cute new clothes, but one of the pairs of pants I bought without trying them on first didn't fit. 

In my mind, I'd gained 100 lbs.  I kept looking at my stomach and thinking I saw bulges where they hadn't been before.  I felt fat.  I was sure I'd gained, but too afraid to get on the scale.  I wasn't eating badly.  I tallied my calories most days and they were fine. Why wasn't I fine?

I got on the scale yesterday and I weighed 166.4.  Not my lowest-low, but less than my last weigh in.  Which make me wonder what the hell is wrong with my brain?  Why can't I get over all this?

I have gone years without weighing myself because of this same scale phobia.  Since WLS, however, I've weighed myself pretty consistently.  I know I can't weigh more often than once a week, but I've generally wanted to weigh myself when weigh-day roles around.  I felt pretty good about my progress up until this point.  I felt much less obsessed with food and weight and the scale.  I guess this is just a good reminder that I'm always going to have to work at this.  I have made a lot of progress, amazing life-changing progress, but I am still the same person with the same struggles and demons that I've always had.

12 comments:

Stephanie said...

Did youc reep into my brain and read my thoughts? All I know is that you LOOK absolutely AMAZING!!!

Leslie said...

I love that picture of you.

Oh if only we could get out of own heads for awhile, but it doesn't work that way. I have no advice because I struggle with this but just wanted to let you know that you aren't the only one.

Robyn's Nest said...

Exactly- you are not alone. You look wonderful.

Cat said...

You look amazing in that dress Amanda!! Seriously, I know exactly what you're saying though. I weigh once a week though I cannot say I'm ever happy to step on the scale. It's more an accountability thing with me. I seriously dislike the scale. I'm so glad you found that the scale wasn't completely bad news for you. It is very interesting though that the fear is something we'll all probably always have to deal with, at least on some level. Thanks for sharing.

Darlin1 said...

Weird...the scale is my friend......when possible I weigh every day. It keeps me accountable!

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

I'm with you there! You look great!

Ronnie said...

You look beautiful, and you're doing great! I know the mind games are rough sometimes, but it sounds like you've got a great balance of living life normally and being healthy. :)

MandaPanda said...

You look fabulous! A couple things here. I ignored the scale for 10 years and gained 60 lbs. Ignoring scales is bad if you're ignoring them because you're scared. But here's the good part. You didn't gain 100 lbs...you didn't even gain 5 lbs. You pretty much maintained (once you take into account daily fluctuations, etc.). You had cake and popcorn and ate out a lot but you maintained. That's a victory!

Lee Ann said...

You may not feel like it--but it sounds like you are able to balance fun and events and holiday weekends....but I know the head part is hard. Why the constant dialogue/berating self for real or perceived "failings," ? which basically means you aren't perfect. Of course you aren't. No one is. But it sounds like you're doing a great job balancing...now we just need to figure out why we're so mean to ourselves since "perfect" isn't possible OR desirable.

Amanda said...

First..I love the picture! You are a natural beauty for sure!

The issues that we entered into WLS with are still present. That is very true. I think we sometimes cope better then we have before but they still are present. You are doing fine..and you know it. But stumbles are part of it...in your case it was a mind stumble I suppose!

So when you become wealthy can I come live with you and swim in your pool??

Bandita Senorita said...

You look amazing!

Robyn's Nest said...

Amanda, I could not find your email address. I nominated you for the Adorable Blog Award. Check out the post at http://robynnest-robyn.blogspot.com/