Tuesday, July 5, 2011
It's all in my head
Maybe crazy is too strong a word. I realized that my food/scale/weight obsession is still alive and well, despite losing 114+ lbs. in 17 months. Allow me to explain.
Last month I was rocking it. I was logging my food using My Fitness Pal. I lost four pounds over a month, which at this stage in the game is pretty amazing! I saw my lowest low, 165.6 (2.6 lbs. from a "normal" BMI, but who's counting?). And then one day, I stepped on the scale and I was up almost two pounds. WTF? My food and exercise had been spot-on. There was NO reason for the gain. Now this sort of thing is not completely unprecedented in my world so I told myself not to freak out. I kept logging and weighed again the following week. I was right about the same even though I did major physical activity one weekend when we re-roofed my house. Whatever.
I didn't freak out, although I wanted to. But I did feel my enthusiasm slip a bit. I stopped logging my food in My Fitness Pal. This isn't the end of the world for me. I consider logging to be optional at this point. I do it when I want to and I don't when I don't. My girls and I went away for the weekend and we ate out. I didn't go overboard, but I also wasn't super careful. When we came back I noticed I was feeling "weird" about the scale. My weigh-day came and I didn't get on. I was afraid that I would be up from all the restaurant meals. I kept thinking I'd weigh the next day. Then I had popcorn and I never weigh myself the day after eating popcorn. Then it was my BIL's birthday and I didn't want to weigh myself after eating cake. Then I went clothes shopping and I bought some cute new clothes, but one of the pairs of pants I bought without trying them on first didn't fit.
In my mind, I'd gained 100 lbs. I kept looking at my stomach and thinking I saw bulges where they hadn't been before. I felt fat. I was sure I'd gained, but too afraid to get on the scale. I wasn't eating badly. I tallied my calories most days and they were fine. Why wasn't I fine?
I got on the scale yesterday and I weighed 166.4. Not my lowest-low, but less than my last weigh in. Which make me wonder what the hell is wrong with my brain? Why can't I get over all this?
I have gone years without weighing myself because of this same scale phobia. Since WLS, however, I've weighed myself pretty consistently. I know I can't weigh more often than once a week, but I've generally wanted to weigh myself when weigh-day roles around. I felt pretty good about my progress up until this point. I felt much less obsessed with food and weight and the scale. I guess this is just a good reminder that I'm always going to have to work at this. I have made a lot of progress, amazing life-changing progress, but I am still the same person with the same struggles and demons that I've always had.