Thank you!

Thank you all for your support yesterday. I read new comments throughout the day and it made me feel so good. A couple times I had tears in my eyes. I would love to go get that margarita, Genise. And several of you sent bad ju-ju and offers of vandalism to those people who own that rental house. Stephanie sent a private email which was so sweet. You guys are awesome and I am overwhelmed by your concern!

For the first time in a long time, I really wanted to binge last night. I had a weird dinner (crackers & peanut butter), but I managed to resist the urge to binge. Instead I read a book (Dan Brown's newest) and watched Modern Family (soooo funny!) and went to bed.

I'm getting my second fill tomorrow morning. For some reason, I am reluctant to have fills. I don't know why. Most of you are always clamoring to get another fill. I have posted about this before, but I think that my brain may be attempting to sabotage my efforts by trying to convince me that I don't need one. I know that addicts often put themselves in situations where they use and I think it is the same for me. So I have scheduled my fills as directed. I do need a fill. I don't have much restriction. Plus that 2-day liquid diet should jump-start my weight-loss.

To fill or not to fill?

Ah…the weekend. 48 hours of bliss, more or less. Now that I am back at work (and working hard, can’t you tell?), I miss those unstructured hours so much. Why can’t my whole life be one long weekend? Is that too much to ask?

I need to decide if I’m going to have a fill this week. Friday is six weeks post-op for me and that is the time I was told to have my first fill. The thing is, I don’t know if I’m ready. On one hand, I am doing great. I am following a food plan and have lost 24.4 lbs.. On the other hand, I do not have much restriction. I have noticed that I can eat larger portions (I am still sticking to my 1 ½ cup of food per meal rule). I haven’t had any issues with foods getting stuck, even when I don’t chew as thoroughly as I should. So my band is ready for a fill, but am I?

I am not really worried about having a bad experience or anything like that. Maybe I like not being careful about chewing and eating quickly. Maybe the addict in me is setting myself up for a binge by allowing me to get into a situation where I can get into trouble (i.e. little restriction, few consequences for bad behavior, etc.). I kind of think that I shouldn’t trust myself here because I haven’t proven myself trustworthy in the past. Does that make any sense at all?

On a related note, we had a family dinner and birthday party yesterday. In times past, these events have really spelled trouble for me. I would normally snack so much prior to the meal being done that I wouldn’t be hungry when it was. But then I’d go ahead and eat the meal anyways. This time I waited until dinner was ready and dished myself small portions of everything I wanted. It is so satisfying to eat this way! I don’t know how I didn’t realize this before. I even had a piece of cherry pie and some ice cream, but I didn’t feel even a little bit bad about it because I knew that my food choices had been spot on for the entire day!

Today I am eating high protein, low calorie and focusing on my staple foods that are sort of boring, but don’t require a whole lot of thought. I will avoid sweets today so I don’t get in the habit of eating them every day. And I will make a decision about the fill.