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Friday, December 23, 2011

Is it 5:00 PM yet?

I hate working on days like this where I just want the clock to speed up so I can hurry and get on with things.  My office-mate is already off for HER holidays (and she's coming back the day after me too-not that I'm keeping track or anything).  How can it only be 10:30 AM?  Ugh!

I really love Christmas, but I think it might be making me a little crazy.  How's that, you ask?  Well, here's the deal.  In my mind the Christmas season has come and gone and I haven't had the chance to enjoy it yet.  I've been too busy working.  I wanted to take it easy, but work got busier and busier.  Yes, I've done some Christmas stuff, but it doesn't really feel like Christmas when I'm sitting in my office.  So it will all be over in just a few hours and I feel like I haven't had a chance to enjoy it yet.  It hasn't even happened and I think I've already missed it.

See!  I told you.  Crazy.

I wonder how many other things in life I do this with.  I know it happens every time I take a vacation.  I spend the whole week thinking that I wish I had more time, that I don't want to go back to work, that I have so much I should be doing and that I need more free time.  How much of my life do I treat as if it has already happened because I'm afraid of missing it?

Part of my complaint is legitimate.  I do work a lot.  I know I'm lucky to have a job (two of them actually).  Although my kids' dad is in the picture, I am the one who does the lion's share of the childcare.  My fella, their dad, is working quite sporadically right now.  His employment has been tenuous for a long time.  He didn't work at all in 2010.  At one point this year he had three jobs, but was still only working about 25 hours a week and that only lasted a month or so.  It drives me crazy to go off to work day after day when I know that my "partner" isn't putting in the same effort.  Right now he is teaching himself to make cheese.  Fucking cheese!  I don't have enough free time to pluck my eyebrows and he's making CHEESE!

I didn't intend this post to turn into a rant about that.  Ignore the previous paragraph.  All I wanted to say was that I am somewhat justified in feeling a little resentful about spending all my waking hours working, but that doesn't explain why I am already feeling the post-holiday melancholia set in on December 23rd!

Is it because I know that nothing ever really lives up to the hype?  Christmas, no matter how wonderful, is still just a day like any other.

And you want to know what else?  Losing all the weight is the same thing.

Do you fantasize about how life will be when you finally lose the weight?  I know I sure did.  Of course I knew intellectually that losing weight wouldn't make life perfect, but I didn't really think about how difficult it would sometimes be to maintain the weight loss.  I should have since I have lost weight before and always gained it back and then some, but I guess I thought it would be easier after surgery.

And the fact is that it is easier sometimes, but sometimes it is quite hard and I just want to throw up my hands and eat peppermint bark and sugar cookies like I used to.  I used to be able to eat and I wouldn't even think.  Eating was a way of tuning out all the thoughts.  For the few minutes that I spent putting food in my mouth, I could permit myself to have as much as I wanted.  I could pretend there were no consequences.  I sometimes still overeat unplanned things, but it just isn't the same.

I feel fat.   I thought those days were over.  A couple of weeks ago I looked at myself in the mirror and I like what I saw.  Now I feel like my pants are cutting into my skin.  I gained two pounds.  I have been careful with my food since I saw the two pound gain on the scale.  I weighed myself again and I was up another pound!  I think it is because I am ovulating, but what if I really gained even more?  Ugh!  I hoped to never see 170 on the scale again and there it was.  In truth I deserved the two pound gain.  I was eating between meals and not being careful with food choices at all, but I thought after a week of carefully logging my food, I'd see a loss.  Probably not the whole two pounds, but some of it.  So I feel fat and suddenly I'm afraid of re-gaining all the weight.  I feel like it isn't within my control at all, which of course is absurd, but there you go.

Did I really think that once I hit goal I would effortlessly maintain the loss for the rest of my life?  Worse, did I think I'd then be able to eat whatever I wanted without worrying about re-gaining the weight?

I don't know.

So I'm watching the clock.  It is 11:05 AM now.  I'm wishing to be somewhere else, wishing I wasn't working.   I'll be on vacation next week.  I will have to work a bit, but I hope to get some R&R time too.  I wanted to have some R&R time with food, I guess.  I didn't want to feel all freaked out about food going into the holiday.  I wanted to feel confident and self-assured like I normally do so I can make good food choices and have a little guilt-free splurge here and there. 



MandaPanda said...

Aaawww..I hear ya on the working part. I get to leave an hour early so have about a half hour left but at 8:30 I REALLY wasn't feeling it. Today will end and you'll get to start your vacation. Try to enjoy it! And don't let the gain throw you off track or make you feel like a failure. Maintenance is going to be a little up and a little down. The trick (pure speculation as I haven't hit goal you could probably ignore this advice) is stopping it before it gets out of hand. Set an acceptable weight range and make adjustments as needed to stay within it. I've seen other bandsters at goal doing this. And I know you can too. Hubby just started his own practice but right now that means he's sitting on his butt all day with the kids while I work. Are the dishes done when I get home? Of course not. I hear you on this. At least he's got SOME money coming in. Hang in there sweetie! And have a very Merry Christmas!

MandaPanda said...

Sorry - that was a ridiculously long comment.

Lonicera said...

I know, I often get what's-the-point days. what comes through in your post is that you feel alone in your various predicaments. The question is, what can you do to hange them? It's just a question - I don't know if I could, because I usually opt for what's safe.
At any rate, know that the holiday you take is truly earned and deserved, unlike that of some of those around you. Hope you enjoy it!

Kenda said...

You're not alone. First and foremost I want you to know that. While I don't know anything about the maintenance thing (you got this though, take a deep breath and relax), I know a lot about feeling like the only one that is taking care of everything, and has to be the main provider. I also know about not being able to live in the moment, for whatever reason it may be - fear, anxiousness, avoidance, past ruminization, future planning, etc. The key is that you are realizing this is happening. That's huge step to changing it. If you want to talk about this, I can give you some tips on dealing with it and changing it, just shoot me a FB message. I don't think you have my new number, and I don't have yours anymore either :-( Hang in there hon. You're not alone, and you are way too honest, caring, and smart to go it alone. Many hugs and prayers flying your way. Enjoy your vacation and Christmas. Take it one minute at a time.

Robyn's Nest said...

I think the holidays bring out the crazy in many of us. Just try to enjoy the moment.
You have lost so much weight, you can take control of those couple pounds.
Hang in there.

Darlin1 said...

Tomorrow is another day....

Today....Merry Christmas!


Rain Howard said...

Stop! Breath! Breath some more. Take in the moment. Not the past, not the future, just the now. Think about where you are now, how far you've come from where you started and where you want to end up. Then figure out what you need to do to get there.

The biggest part of emotional eating, for me anyway, is being aware that I'm doing it. If you're aware of it you can get it under control. I don't know exactly how you feel but I think I'm in the same park as you. If you ever need an ear.

If you read my blog you'll notice a lot of the same issues and thoughts. And come on now, making cheese is a very useful skill in todays job market.