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Friday, March 18, 2011

Happy Friday!

I didn't lose any weight this week.  I am thinking this might be it for me, weight-loss wise.  I am not really sure what to think about that to be honest.  I am seven lbs. (3.2 kg.) from a normal BMI and that has been my aspirational goal, but I have already hit my goal weight.  In fact I've lost nearly an additional 10 lbs. (4.5 kg.) from my goal.
I am wearing a size 10 jeans and size medium shirts.  I look pretty good.  I feel healthy and thin.  I am ready to invest in a new wardrobe (mentally ready if not financially). 

I have complained several times about still being in the 170's (77 kg.) and a few have called me out on it and rightfully so.  109.4 lbs. (49.6 kg.) ago I would have given just about anything to be where I am today.  So why am I not satisfied?

I know that part of the problem is that I have NEVER weighed the same thing from month to month, year to year.  I was always losing or gaining, even during the years I was a "normal" weight.  I don't know what maintaining my weight looks like or what it means for me.  I like the idea of never dieting again, but I know I still have to watch it or the weight could come back.  I think I need to shift my mentality from losing to maintaining, but I'm not sure how to do that. 

I've written before about how important satisfaction is when it comes to food and eating.  I think I overate for decades and seldom, if ever, felt satisfied.  Sure, I was often physically "full", but I always, always wanted to keep eating.  I never finished eating and thought, "I feel great.  I don't want another bite.".  I stopped eating when my brain told me to knock it off, "You've had enough, Fatty!".  I stopped eating because I felt guilty about continuing.  I stopped because I'd exceeded the quantity I could get away with eating, either in the eyes of society or in my own perception. 

Since banding I do generally feel satisfied when I'm done eating.  I think it is because I eat slower and am aware as I eat.  I can't mindlessly shovel food in anymore.  I think about how each bite feels going in and I savor and enjoy it.  Sometimes I want to keep eating, but I don't because I know it won't turn out so well.  I listen to my band which I consider a part of my body now.  So I listen to my body and it is satisfying to do that.  I also chose foods I want to eat.  I don't deprive myself of the foods I love, but I do make them "special" if they are treats.  I typically only eat sweets at certain times and in limited quantities.  I have been known to turn off the TV when I'm enjoying them so I can think about the taste of each bite.   I also chose treats that I really love, like good chocolate.  For me it is satisfying to eat in this way.

I think it is interesting that while I am now generally satisfied with food, I am having difficulty being satisfied with my weight loss.  I think what I am really struggling with is being satisfied with myself.  Can I really accept that I've done everything I can in this area?  I know I'm not perfect, but I've done my best given my resources and circumstances.  Not the best, but my best.  Can I accept that?

Because the thing is I am happy with where I'm at, weight-wise, appearance wise, clothing size-wise.  What I'm not happy with is the fact that the number on the scale isn't moving anymore.  I've grown accustomed to seeing that number go down, down, down.  It is like a drug.  I get on the scale and I feel good about myself.  Only now I don't feel so good about myself because the number isn't moving and I'm not getting any smaller. 

I once weighed 119 lbs. (53.9 kg.).  I am 5'8" (172 cm.) so my BMI was 18.1 which is underweight. I wasn't satisfied with that weight either.  I know that I could continue to lose weight and never feel good about where I was at.  This problem exists in my mind.  It isn't a physical issue.  And I'm not really sure what to do about that.


Bandita Senorita said...

That's exactly how I was pre-banding--my stomach never told me to stop. It's so frustrating!!!

Nella said...

I never stopped...kept going and going and going! Crazy cause Id get the look when I would over eat and now I get the look when I dont eat enough! Never gonna win!
We need to see some pics!

tagyourit said...

So many of us just blindly ate and were lucky enough to get banded and have a reminder that we should watch how much we eat. I would love to see a pic too.

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

I think the thrill of the scale moving is a very valid point, maybe it's almost become a habit and it's hard to break. I feel like I'm stuck in a maintenance phase and I still have half of my weight to lose. Maybe we could switch mind sets for a little while!

MandaPanda said...

That's a tough one. Maybe it has to be a conditioning thing. You step on the scale (for maintenance purposes) and say to yourself. It's OK it's the's supposed to be the same and then get off. Eventually, maybe it'll be an automatic response and you'll believe it. Just a thought.

Jess said...

I am kinda in the same boat. I justify my hovering in the 170's for several months by saying well maybe that's where I need to be. But truly, deep down, I know I want to continue I just don't know how to stay on track long enough to get more results.


Go for the wordrobe!!! You know if you do you will lose more and it wont fit. Hee He

Anonymous said...

I'm still a little ways from my goal, but I've often wondered things along the same line...what the heck IS my goal anyway? BMI says I should be 169, but I'd always had 180 in my head. Do I shoot for the BMI? What will I look/feel like at that weight? How do you even adjust to "maintenance?" I can't recall ever being at a weight I wanted to maintain...yeesh, now I'm scaring myself.

Dizzy Girl said...

I don't know what to tell you girl- I am NOT banded but I feel the exact same way; I would like to lose 10-15 more pounds but they just don't want to seem to come off. Part of me just tells myself to accept myself where I'm at; the other part of me wants to push through. But how?

Good luck finding peace- you will. I know you will because you already have worked so hard for what you want- and if peace is what you want now- peace is what you'll find.



~Lisa~ said...

Your accomplishments are so amazing - you are truly my hero.. I so very much want to experience the satisfied feeling, and to be healthier. You have been, and ARE an inspiration to me..

Mommyto3andahusky said...

Love your blog! I am your newest follower! :) Erin