I didn't lose any weight this week. I am thinking this might be it for me, weight-loss wise. I am not really sure what to think about that to be honest. I am seven lbs. (3.2 kg.) from a normal BMI and that has been my aspirational goal, but I have already hit my goal weight. In fact I've lost nearly an additional 10 lbs. (4.5 kg.) from my goal.
I am wearing a size 10 jeans and size medium shirts. I look pretty good. I feel healthy and thin. I am ready to invest in a new wardrobe (mentally ready if not financially).
I have complained several times about still being in the 170's (77 kg.) and a few have called me out on it and rightfully so. 109.4 lbs. (49.6 kg.) ago I would have given just about anything to be where I am today. So why am I not satisfied?
I know that part of the problem is that I have NEVER weighed the same thing from month to month, year to year. I was always losing or gaining, even during the years I was a "normal" weight. I don't know what maintaining my weight looks like or what it means for me. I like the idea of never dieting again, but I know I still have to watch it or the weight could come back. I think I need to shift my mentality from losing to maintaining, but I'm not sure how to do that.
I've written before about how important satisfaction is when it comes to food and eating. I think I overate for decades and seldom, if ever, felt satisfied. Sure, I was often physically "full", but I always, always wanted to keep eating. I never finished eating and thought, "I feel great. I don't want another bite.". I stopped eating when my brain told me to knock it off, "You've had enough, Fatty!". I stopped eating because I felt guilty about continuing. I stopped because I'd exceeded the quantity I could get away with eating, either in the eyes of society or in my own perception.
Since banding I do generally feel satisfied when I'm done eating. I think it is because I eat slower and am aware as I eat. I can't mindlessly shovel food in anymore. I think about how each bite feels going in and I savor and enjoy it. Sometimes I want to keep eating, but I don't because I know it won't turn out so well. I listen to my band which I consider a part of my body now. So I listen to my body and it is satisfying to do that. I also chose foods I want to eat. I don't deprive myself of the foods I love, but I do make them "special" if they are treats. I typically only eat sweets at certain times and in limited quantities. I have been known to turn off the TV when I'm enjoying them so I can think about the taste of each bite. I also chose treats that I really love, like good chocolate. For me it is satisfying to eat in this way.
I think it is interesting that while I am now generally satisfied with food, I am having difficulty being satisfied with my weight loss. I think what I am really struggling with is being satisfied with myself. Can I really accept that I've done everything I can in this area? I know I'm not perfect, but I've done my best given my resources and circumstances. Not the best, but my best. Can I accept that?
Because the thing is I am happy with where I'm at, weight-wise, appearance wise, clothing size-wise. What I'm not happy with is the fact that the number on the scale isn't moving anymore. I've grown accustomed to seeing that number go down, down, down. It is like a drug. I get on the scale and I feel good about myself. Only now I don't feel so good about myself because the number isn't moving and I'm not getting any smaller.
I once weighed 119 lbs. (53.9 kg.). I am 5'8" (172 cm.) so my BMI was 18.1 which is underweight. I wasn't satisfied with that weight either. I know that I could continue to lose weight and never feel good about where I was at. This problem exists in my mind. It isn't a physical issue. And I'm not really sure what to do about that.