I feel healthy. I feel like I'm not just doing a bunch of stuff temporarily. I feel like this is now my lifestyle. I'm now a skinny, active person who eats pretty well, doesn't (normally) obsess about food and likes myself.
It is a great feeling! I spent years of my life doing things I knew were not good for my body. I have been obese. I've been a smoker. I've been bulimic. I've beat myself up and hated myself for not being the person I knew I wanted to be, that I knew I could be. Over the years I quit smoking, quit binging, quit purging and now I've quit overeating. I've always been pretty active, but now I seek out opportunities to exercise every day and I want to do it.
I feel better at age 37 than I did at 27 or even 17. I think I am healthier than I've ever been in my life!
I wish you could have known me before just for comparison's sake. Let's just say I was a hot mess. I'm not perfect now - far from it, but I am happy with where I'm at.
And that, my friends, is pretty amazing!
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Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
A new low!
Okay, don't laugh at me, but I am jumping up and down today because I saw a new low on the scale this morning: 170.6 (77.4 kg.). Yes, I realize that is only .2 lbs. (.1 kg.) less than my last low which I saw on 3/9/11 so yes, I realize that I am excited that it took me 21 days to lose that .2 lbs. Yes, I know that many of you can sneeze and lose .2 lbs. Let me have my moment, okay?
Because it has been unbelievably frustrating the last couple weeks to see the scale bouncing around. If it was staying in one place, I probably would have felt okay about it, but I saw gains of 1 lb. (.5 kg.) and then 2 lbs. (.9 kg.) despite the fact that I was exercising more and eating normally.
I have been kicking ass in the exercise department! I have done my normal daily routine of walking my dog for 30 minutes and my normal weekly routine of commuting to work by bicycle on Tuesday and Thursday, but in the last few weeks I have found tons of other opportunities to exercise. Here's what I've done in the just the last few days:
Friday - Walk 30 minutes
Skate 60 minutes
Saturday - Walk 40 minutes
Bicycle 60 minutes (pulling 55 lb kid and 30 lb. trailer bike plus heavy backpack and oldest daughter's bag)
Clean house 60 minutes
Sunday - Walk 30 minutes
Bathe dog 20 minutes
Clean house 30 minutes
Monday - Walk 55 minutes
Tuesday - Walk 30 minutes
Bicycle 40 minutes
Today - Walk 30 minutes
Bicycle 20 minutes
It seems like practically every day, I've added extra exercise. I feel really healthy. I think I am healthier physically and emotionally than I've ever been in my life! Not just from exercising and getting my weight under control, but also I no longer have the constant compulsion to overeat and subsequent feelings of shame and self-loathing about my behavior.
Because it has been unbelievably frustrating the last couple weeks to see the scale bouncing around. If it was staying in one place, I probably would have felt okay about it, but I saw gains of 1 lb. (.5 kg.) and then 2 lbs. (.9 kg.) despite the fact that I was exercising more and eating normally.
I have been kicking ass in the exercise department! I have done my normal daily routine of walking my dog for 30 minutes and my normal weekly routine of commuting to work by bicycle on Tuesday and Thursday, but in the last few weeks I have found tons of other opportunities to exercise. Here's what I've done in the just the last few days:
Friday - Walk 30 minutes
Skate 60 minutes
Saturday - Walk 40 minutes
Bicycle 60 minutes (pulling 55 lb kid and 30 lb. trailer bike plus heavy backpack and oldest daughter's bag)
Clean house 60 minutes
Sunday - Walk 30 minutes
Bathe dog 20 minutes
Clean house 30 minutes
Monday - Walk 55 minutes
Tuesday - Walk 30 minutes
Bicycle 40 minutes
Today - Walk 30 minutes
Bicycle 20 minutes
It seems like practically every day, I've added extra exercise. I feel really healthy. I think I am healthier physically and emotionally than I've ever been in my life! Not just from exercising and getting my weight under control, but also I no longer have the constant compulsion to overeat and subsequent feelings of shame and self-loathing about my behavior.
I'm going to close with a picture of my youngest daughter who broke her arm while roller skating on Friday. She got her cast today (she's been in a splint). Here it is:
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Dang! I want to EAT!
I am not hungry, but all I can think about is food today. I've been looking at the clock and calculating how long until my next meal. Sigh!
So glad every day isn't like this!
So glad every day isn't like this!
Friday, March 25, 2011
Snack Lunch
I don't usually eat snacks. I just am not hungry for them and the extra calories don't do my diet any favors. But I love snack foods and I have them around because my kids eat snacks. So every once in a while I have a "snack lunch" and eat my favorite snacks instead of a proper lunch.
Today my snack lunch is:
honey-roasted peanuts - 280 calories, 8 grams protein
4-Cheese Cheese Its - 150 calories, 4 grams protein
string cheese - 70 calories, 8 grams protein
I plan to eat them through the course of the afternoon in true "snacking"-style and I'm looking forward to it.
What do YOU do to keep your food-plan interesting?
Today my snack lunch is:
honey-roasted peanuts - 280 calories, 8 grams protein
4-Cheese Cheese Its - 150 calories, 4 grams protein
string cheese - 70 calories, 8 grams protein
I plan to eat them through the course of the afternoon in true "snacking"-style and I'm looking forward to it.
What do YOU do to keep your food-plan interesting?
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Lap-band basics
My brain is on Spring Vacation this week so I thought I would re-post something that I originally wrote in July 2010.
I have some new followers and it seems there are a bunch of newbies in Bandland so I thought I would invite the rest of us (the "old-bies") to share some wisdom. I have found myself making comments on some posts of late and saying essentially the same things. Which is probably more of a reflection on me than on others, but here we go anyway, in no particular order:
1) I believe that the lap-band works because it encourages behavior that mimics so-called "normal" eating behavior. Specifically the lap-band requires one to BE MINDFUL while eating, TAKE SMALL BITES, CHEW THOROUGHLY and EAT SLOWLY.
2) Diets don't work, at least not for me. I have heard that somewhere in the neighborhood of 95% of all diets FAIL. I bet that figure is higher for the obese. Most people assume that it is the dieter that fails, but I don't believe that. I think the entire system is flawed to begin with. Naturally thin people don't diet. They eat what they want, in moderation. They eat when they are hungry. They stop when they are full. Some of them exercise and some do not.
3) Diets make people gain weight in the long-term. We have all experienced this. Statistically most people who diet and lose weight eventually re-gain that weight. And then some. One could even make the argument that if your ultimate goal is to make someone obese, you should put them on a diet.
4) There are no such things as "good" foods and "bad" foods. Yes, some foods carry greater nutrition than others. But food just is. We are the ones who identify it as "good" or "bad" and think, "I shouldn't be eating this." or "Man, I should ONLY be eating this." The funny thing about humans is that we have a tendency to covet that which is forbidden. From Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden to me on my last diet longing for a bowl of Cherry Garcia Ben & Jerry's (and every illicit love affair, corrupt politician and heist both big and small in between), mankind has wanted what it could not have.
Which is not to suggest that we should eat whatever we want all the time. No one can do that except maybe teenage boys, but the best, most healthful diet, is one of moderation.
5) Satisfaction is really important. I ate food for 20 years of my life and NEVER allowed myself to truly enjoy it. I ate as much as I could until my brain started shouting at me that I was a pig and then I stopped. I was never satisfied, never had "enough", because food and eating were about shame and frustration and defiance, not about nourishing my body.
6) We have to reclaim the innate ability to recognize hunger and satiety. Every baby is born knowing when they are hungry and when they are full. Very quickly the rest of the world becomes involved in attempting to change how those things are perceived. Parents want the baby on a feeding schedule for their convenience. Children that cling to their innate sense are labeled "picky eaters". We don't celebrate that they recognize that their hunger is satisfied by a tablespoon or two of food. Instead we lament that they are hungry every hour and try to get them to eat more at mealtimes. We teach our children to eat in a certain way. This happens to every child, thin or fat. But to those who eventually grow up to have a weight problem, something else occurs. At some point, either external or internal forces cause that person to believe that they need a diet to tell them what and when and how much to eat. But what we really needed was to learn how to eat according to the needs of our body. The diet actually makes it worse because it teaches us that we require some external force (the diet) to tell us these things. We become further alienated from our internal sense of hunger and satiety. Eventually eating becomes about everything but hunger and satiety. It is about soothing jagged emotions or entertaining ourselves when bored, but not about nourishing our bodies. And the thing is that if you are eating for any reason other than nourishing your body, it is nearly impossible to become satisfied. So we keep eating.
As you can probably tell, I am really passionate about these issues. I hate that we live in a world that says that if you aren't thin, you are a second-class citizen. I hate that my own self-esteem is wrapped up in these same ideals. I hate that I walk into a room and size myself up against the other fatties and that I read posts from Bandsters who started smaller than I was at the beginning and I judge them for it. But I don't regret that it took the lap-band for me to begin coming to grips with all of this stuff. Much of it I knew before I was banded, but I couldn't figure out how to implement it in my life. To me the idea of quitting dieting was an excuse to binge. I believed all foods were equally valid, were "good", but I couldn't get the hang of the moderation part of it. I needed the lap-band to teach me to mimic the naturally thin behaviors that I listed in #1.
So please, for the newbies and the old-bies, share your wisdom. You don't have to have a lap-band to participate. An opinion and a brain will suffice.
I have some new followers and it seems there are a bunch of newbies in Bandland so I thought I would invite the rest of us (the "old-bies") to share some wisdom. I have found myself making comments on some posts of late and saying essentially the same things. Which is probably more of a reflection on me than on others, but here we go anyway, in no particular order:
1) I believe that the lap-band works because it encourages behavior that mimics so-called "normal" eating behavior. Specifically the lap-band requires one to BE MINDFUL while eating, TAKE SMALL BITES, CHEW THOROUGHLY and EAT SLOWLY.
2) Diets don't work, at least not for me. I have heard that somewhere in the neighborhood of 95% of all diets FAIL. I bet that figure is higher for the obese. Most people assume that it is the dieter that fails, but I don't believe that. I think the entire system is flawed to begin with. Naturally thin people don't diet. They eat what they want, in moderation. They eat when they are hungry. They stop when they are full. Some of them exercise and some do not.
3) Diets make people gain weight in the long-term. We have all experienced this. Statistically most people who diet and lose weight eventually re-gain that weight. And then some. One could even make the argument that if your ultimate goal is to make someone obese, you should put them on a diet.
4) There are no such things as "good" foods and "bad" foods. Yes, some foods carry greater nutrition than others. But food just is. We are the ones who identify it as "good" or "bad" and think, "I shouldn't be eating this." or "Man, I should ONLY be eating this." The funny thing about humans is that we have a tendency to covet that which is forbidden. From Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden to me on my last diet longing for a bowl of Cherry Garcia Ben & Jerry's (and every illicit love affair, corrupt politician and heist both big and small in between), mankind has wanted what it could not have.
Which is not to suggest that we should eat whatever we want all the time. No one can do that except maybe teenage boys, but the best, most healthful diet, is one of moderation.
5) Satisfaction is really important. I ate food for 20 years of my life and NEVER allowed myself to truly enjoy it. I ate as much as I could until my brain started shouting at me that I was a pig and then I stopped. I was never satisfied, never had "enough", because food and eating were about shame and frustration and defiance, not about nourishing my body.
6) We have to reclaim the innate ability to recognize hunger and satiety. Every baby is born knowing when they are hungry and when they are full. Very quickly the rest of the world becomes involved in attempting to change how those things are perceived. Parents want the baby on a feeding schedule for their convenience. Children that cling to their innate sense are labeled "picky eaters". We don't celebrate that they recognize that their hunger is satisfied by a tablespoon or two of food. Instead we lament that they are hungry every hour and try to get them to eat more at mealtimes. We teach our children to eat in a certain way. This happens to every child, thin or fat. But to those who eventually grow up to have a weight problem, something else occurs. At some point, either external or internal forces cause that person to believe that they need a diet to tell them what and when and how much to eat. But what we really needed was to learn how to eat according to the needs of our body. The diet actually makes it worse because it teaches us that we require some external force (the diet) to tell us these things. We become further alienated from our internal sense of hunger and satiety. Eventually eating becomes about everything but hunger and satiety. It is about soothing jagged emotions or entertaining ourselves when bored, but not about nourishing our bodies. And the thing is that if you are eating for any reason other than nourishing your body, it is nearly impossible to become satisfied. So we keep eating.
As you can probably tell, I am really passionate about these issues. I hate that we live in a world that says that if you aren't thin, you are a second-class citizen. I hate that my own self-esteem is wrapped up in these same ideals. I hate that I walk into a room and size myself up against the other fatties and that I read posts from Bandsters who started smaller than I was at the beginning and I judge them for it. But I don't regret that it took the lap-band for me to begin coming to grips with all of this stuff. Much of it I knew before I was banded, but I couldn't figure out how to implement it in my life. To me the idea of quitting dieting was an excuse to binge. I believed all foods were equally valid, were "good", but I couldn't get the hang of the moderation part of it. I needed the lap-band to teach me to mimic the naturally thin behaviors that I listed in #1.
So please, for the newbies and the old-bies, share your wisdom. You don't have to have a lap-band to participate. An opinion and a brain will suffice.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Why it doesn't always suck to share a car
2010 was a bad year at my house. My fella was out of work for the entire year. Things started breaking down and we couldn't repair or replace them. Important things like our second car, the microwave, the vacuum cleaner. Unnecessary things like our hot tub, my daughter's DVD player, our living room TV. Luckily I make decent money and could pay all the bills. But "extras" like meals out, coffee drinks, books, movies, birthday parties, vacation, health insurance were pretty-much out unless they could be done on the cheap.
He got a very part-time job at a farm in December, but they didn't really have work for him until March. In January he got another very part-time job as a parking lot attendant during events at the Matthew Knight Arena. Last week he started a third very part-time job at another farm. So basically he has three part-time jobs. We aren't behind on any bills or anything (in fact I paid off two debts in December and January) so now we're starting to save money to fix the second car.
We really need two cars! I work full-time and both my daughters are in school and do sports. Neither of Matthew's two farm jobs are in Eugene so when he's working, he needs the car. So I ride my bike. I normally commute by bicycle twice a week (my job requires a fair bit of running around so I can't bike-commute every day), but last week I also rode my bike to my satellite office on Friday (about 6 miles round trip) and then Saturday morning my youngest daughter and I rode our bikes to pick my oldest daughter up at her dance lock-in and then all three of us rode home (another 6 miles). And you know what? It was fun to get so much extra bike time in! I really like riding my bike and even though it is definitely more convenient to drive, it is nice to be outside. I also like how it simplifies my life. After all, I can't go running all around town so easily by bike.
But do you know what I can't figure out about bike riding? When I was a kid, I loved it when my dad took me for a bike ride. He probably only went with me a hand full of times during my entire childhood, but I coveted those opportunities! I used to pass my days riding up and down the street, around the block, around the neighborhood. Then and now, I couldn't get enough cycling! But my kids COMPLAIN about riding bikes. They haven't always, but lately it is like pulling teeth. Maybe it is because the weather is crappy, but it is driving me crazy!
He got a very part-time job at a farm in December, but they didn't really have work for him until March. In January he got another very part-time job as a parking lot attendant during events at the Matthew Knight Arena. Last week he started a third very part-time job at another farm. So basically he has three part-time jobs. We aren't behind on any bills or anything (in fact I paid off two debts in December and January) so now we're starting to save money to fix the second car.
We really need two cars! I work full-time and both my daughters are in school and do sports. Neither of Matthew's two farm jobs are in Eugene so when he's working, he needs the car. So I ride my bike. I normally commute by bicycle twice a week (my job requires a fair bit of running around so I can't bike-commute every day), but last week I also rode my bike to my satellite office on Friday (about 6 miles round trip) and then Saturday morning my youngest daughter and I rode our bikes to pick my oldest daughter up at her dance lock-in and then all three of us rode home (another 6 miles). And you know what? It was fun to get so much extra bike time in! I really like riding my bike and even though it is definitely more convenient to drive, it is nice to be outside. I also like how it simplifies my life. After all, I can't go running all around town so easily by bike.
But do you know what I can't figure out about bike riding? When I was a kid, I loved it when my dad took me for a bike ride. He probably only went with me a hand full of times during my entire childhood, but I coveted those opportunities! I used to pass my days riding up and down the street, around the block, around the neighborhood. Then and now, I couldn't get enough cycling! But my kids COMPLAIN about riding bikes. They haven't always, but lately it is like pulling teeth. Maybe it is because the weather is crappy, but it is driving me crazy!
Friday, March 18, 2011
Happy Friday!
I didn't lose any weight this week. I am thinking this might be it for me, weight-loss wise. I am not really sure what to think about that to be honest. I am seven lbs. (3.2 kg.) from a normal BMI and that has been my aspirational goal, but I have already hit my goal weight. In fact I've lost nearly an additional 10 lbs. (4.5 kg.) from my goal.
I am wearing a size 10 jeans and size medium shirts. I look pretty good. I feel healthy and thin. I am ready to invest in a new wardrobe (mentally ready if not financially).
I have complained several times about still being in the 170's (77 kg.) and a few have called me out on it and rightfully so. 109.4 lbs. (49.6 kg.) ago I would have given just about anything to be where I am today. So why am I not satisfied?
I know that part of the problem is that I have NEVER weighed the same thing from month to month, year to year. I was always losing or gaining, even during the years I was a "normal" weight. I don't know what maintaining my weight looks like or what it means for me. I like the idea of never dieting again, but I know I still have to watch it or the weight could come back. I think I need to shift my mentality from losing to maintaining, but I'm not sure how to do that.
I've written before about how important satisfaction is when it comes to food and eating. I think I overate for decades and seldom, if ever, felt satisfied. Sure, I was often physically "full", but I always, always wanted to keep eating. I never finished eating and thought, "I feel great. I don't want another bite.". I stopped eating when my brain told me to knock it off, "You've had enough, Fatty!". I stopped eating because I felt guilty about continuing. I stopped because I'd exceeded the quantity I could get away with eating, either in the eyes of society or in my own perception.
Since banding I do generally feel satisfied when I'm done eating. I think it is because I eat slower and am aware as I eat. I can't mindlessly shovel food in anymore. I think about how each bite feels going in and I savor and enjoy it. Sometimes I want to keep eating, but I don't because I know it won't turn out so well. I listen to my band which I consider a part of my body now. So I listen to my body and it is satisfying to do that. I also chose foods I want to eat. I don't deprive myself of the foods I love, but I do make them "special" if they are treats. I typically only eat sweets at certain times and in limited quantities. I have been known to turn off the TV when I'm enjoying them so I can think about the taste of each bite. I also chose treats that I really love, like good chocolate. For me it is satisfying to eat in this way.
I think it is interesting that while I am now generally satisfied with food, I am having difficulty being satisfied with my weight loss. I think what I am really struggling with is being satisfied with myself. Can I really accept that I've done everything I can in this area? I know I'm not perfect, but I've done my best given my resources and circumstances. Not the best, but my best. Can I accept that?
Because the thing is I am happy with where I'm at, weight-wise, appearance wise, clothing size-wise. What I'm not happy with is the fact that the number on the scale isn't moving anymore. I've grown accustomed to seeing that number go down, down, down. It is like a drug. I get on the scale and I feel good about myself. Only now I don't feel so good about myself because the number isn't moving and I'm not getting any smaller.
I once weighed 119 lbs. (53.9 kg.). I am 5'8" (172 cm.) so my BMI was 18.1 which is underweight. I wasn't satisfied with that weight either. I know that I could continue to lose weight and never feel good about where I was at. This problem exists in my mind. It isn't a physical issue. And I'm not really sure what to do about that.
I am wearing a size 10 jeans and size medium shirts. I look pretty good. I feel healthy and thin. I am ready to invest in a new wardrobe (mentally ready if not financially).
I have complained several times about still being in the 170's (77 kg.) and a few have called me out on it and rightfully so. 109.4 lbs. (49.6 kg.) ago I would have given just about anything to be where I am today. So why am I not satisfied?
I know that part of the problem is that I have NEVER weighed the same thing from month to month, year to year. I was always losing or gaining, even during the years I was a "normal" weight. I don't know what maintaining my weight looks like or what it means for me. I like the idea of never dieting again, but I know I still have to watch it or the weight could come back. I think I need to shift my mentality from losing to maintaining, but I'm not sure how to do that.
I've written before about how important satisfaction is when it comes to food and eating. I think I overate for decades and seldom, if ever, felt satisfied. Sure, I was often physically "full", but I always, always wanted to keep eating. I never finished eating and thought, "I feel great. I don't want another bite.". I stopped eating when my brain told me to knock it off, "You've had enough, Fatty!". I stopped eating because I felt guilty about continuing. I stopped because I'd exceeded the quantity I could get away with eating, either in the eyes of society or in my own perception.
Since banding I do generally feel satisfied when I'm done eating. I think it is because I eat slower and am aware as I eat. I can't mindlessly shovel food in anymore. I think about how each bite feels going in and I savor and enjoy it. Sometimes I want to keep eating, but I don't because I know it won't turn out so well. I listen to my band which I consider a part of my body now. So I listen to my body and it is satisfying to do that. I also chose foods I want to eat. I don't deprive myself of the foods I love, but I do make them "special" if they are treats. I typically only eat sweets at certain times and in limited quantities. I have been known to turn off the TV when I'm enjoying them so I can think about the taste of each bite. I also chose treats that I really love, like good chocolate. For me it is satisfying to eat in this way.
I think it is interesting that while I am now generally satisfied with food, I am having difficulty being satisfied with my weight loss. I think what I am really struggling with is being satisfied with myself. Can I really accept that I've done everything I can in this area? I know I'm not perfect, but I've done my best given my resources and circumstances. Not the best, but my best. Can I accept that?
Because the thing is I am happy with where I'm at, weight-wise, appearance wise, clothing size-wise. What I'm not happy with is the fact that the number on the scale isn't moving anymore. I've grown accustomed to seeing that number go down, down, down. It is like a drug. I get on the scale and I feel good about myself. Only now I don't feel so good about myself because the number isn't moving and I'm not getting any smaller.
I once weighed 119 lbs. (53.9 kg.). I am 5'8" (172 cm.) so my BMI was 18.1 which is underweight. I wasn't satisfied with that weight either. I know that I could continue to lose weight and never feel good about where I was at. This problem exists in my mind. It isn't a physical issue. And I'm not really sure what to do about that.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
I cannot eat if I have to pee
Since being banded, I now have to pee before I eat. I don't want to sit down to a meal and not be able to enjoy it 100%. I think it has to do with being mindful when I eat, a skill that I think helps with band success. I am aware of each bite and aware of how my body feels as I eat, more than I ever have been.
I'm still in the 170's.
Oh, and rain is getting into my daughter's bedroom through our messed up roof. I am trying to borrow an extension ladder so I can get it covered up.
I'm still in the 170's.
Oh, and rain is getting into my daughter's bedroom through our messed up roof. I am trying to borrow an extension ladder so I can get it covered up.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Beware the Ides of March!
Thanks for coming to my pity party yesterday. I appreciate all your suggestions and thoughts. I am going to run the roof repair through my insurance company. I am hoping they'll give me enough money to replace the roofing on that entire half of the house and my plan is to do the work myself. I do have some reservations about this because I have only been on that part of my roof once and it was terrifying to me to be so high up. I actually couldn't even get off the ladder. I've also never done an entire project like that myself. When I worked for my dad as a teenager, I'd do things like "feed" him the shingles that he'd nail down so he could stay in one spot while I schlepped the shingles over to him. Any time I placed and nailed the shingles myself, I never did the areas around vents and the ridge cap so I'll have to figure that out, but I think it will all come back to me.
Anyways...despite my un-fill, my restriction has been pretty good. I fill up pretty quickly, just like before the un-fill. I was fairly hungry on Thursday last week, but I haven't been hungry since. My fill doc said she'd do a re-fill for me for $50 (instead of the normal $180) if I went back within 30 days of the un-fill so I'm going to have to decide if I need more or not.
Also you'll notice that I turned off my CAPTCHA for commenting. As long as you guys promise not to leave me a bunch of spam, I'll leave it off because I hate those stupid things.
Anyways...despite my un-fill, my restriction has been pretty good. I fill up pretty quickly, just like before the un-fill. I was fairly hungry on Thursday last week, but I haven't been hungry since. My fill doc said she'd do a re-fill for me for $50 (instead of the normal $180) if I went back within 30 days of the un-fill so I'm going to have to decide if I need more or not.
Also you'll notice that I turned off my CAPTCHA for commenting. As long as you guys promise not to leave me a bunch of spam, I'll leave it off because I hate those stupid things.
Monday, March 14, 2011
It's Monday again
Well, I had a craptastic weekend! Yesterday we had a wind storm here in Oregon and I lost about 1/3 of the shingles off of my roof. I sure could have done without that! Actually other than that, the weekend was pretty nice.
In better news, my sister's sister-in-law gave me a bunch of clothes last week. This person has always been someone I looked at and thought she had a great figure. I can't believe that I am SMALLER than she is! Not all of the clothes she gave me fit, but several pieces do.
Back to my roof...I called my dad (who used to be a roofer). I don't really have any handy-man in my life other than him. As soon as I told him what was going on (that the wind was ripping the shingles off my roof), he said he was sorry, but he didn't have time to help me. I know I am a grown up and I know he just started a new job and I know he just got remarried in October BUT I feel really let-down. He knows I don't have anyone else to help me and I don't have any money to hire someone. I know it would be a hassle for him, but he does have the time. I never ask him for anything. He didn't pay for my wedding or my education. The one time that I borrowed money from him as an adult, I paid him back and that was, oh, 20 years ago. So I am disappointed, to say the least.
Oh, and I almost forgot! I wrote one of my clients a check out of a closed account! Oops! I feel like an idiot.
In better news, my sister's sister-in-law gave me a bunch of clothes last week. This person has always been someone I looked at and thought she had a great figure. I can't believe that I am SMALLER than she is! Not all of the clothes she gave me fit, but several pieces do.
Back to my roof...I called my dad (who used to be a roofer). I don't really have any handy-man in my life other than him. As soon as I told him what was going on (that the wind was ripping the shingles off my roof), he said he was sorry, but he didn't have time to help me. I know I am a grown up and I know he just started a new job and I know he just got remarried in October BUT I feel really let-down. He knows I don't have anyone else to help me and I don't have any money to hire someone. I know it would be a hassle for him, but he does have the time. I never ask him for anything. He didn't pay for my wedding or my education. The one time that I borrowed money from him as an adult, I paid him back and that was, oh, 20 years ago. So I am disappointed, to say the least.
Oh, and I almost forgot! I wrote one of my clients a check out of a closed account! Oops! I feel like an idiot.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Hello, hunger. It's been a while.
I wrote yesterday morning about how things hadn't changed too much since Saturday's un-fill, restriction wise. As if on cue, hunger made a reappearance yesterday afternoon with a vengeance.
Hunger.
It scares me. I'm surprised how much it scares me. I knew I hadn't really been hungry for a good long time, but I've never really thought too much about how that factors into restriction and feeling in control with food. Plus it is pretty easy to keep the calories down when I don't need afternoon snacks.
Did I mention I promised to take my kids to Izzy's tonight for dinner? You know Izzy's? Binge-central. All-you-can-eat pizza and carbs and soda and dessert? I've only eaten there once since being banded and I couldn't eat much. It wasn't a big deal. It was interesting to watch the morbidly obese people eat and eat and eat. And now I'm hungry and I probably don't have much restriction and I'm going to Izzy's. Yep, I'm afraid all right.
I went grocery shopping last night and bought snacks for myself. I stocked my desk drawer and office refrigerator with Fiber One bars and string cheese and nuts. I packed a light lunch so I could factor both a snack and a trip to Izzy's into a moderate calorie day.
Realistically I'm probably not going to lose any weight until I get another fill. I know I'm going to need snacks and that will add an extra 100 - 250 calories per day to my food plan. I probably won't see the 160's for another two to four weeks.
So close yet so far.
Hunger.
It scares me. I'm surprised how much it scares me. I knew I hadn't really been hungry for a good long time, but I've never really thought too much about how that factors into restriction and feeling in control with food. Plus it is pretty easy to keep the calories down when I don't need afternoon snacks.
Did I mention I promised to take my kids to Izzy's tonight for dinner? You know Izzy's? Binge-central. All-you-can-eat pizza and carbs and soda and dessert? I've only eaten there once since being banded and I couldn't eat much. It wasn't a big deal. It was interesting to watch the morbidly obese people eat and eat and eat. And now I'm hungry and I probably don't have much restriction and I'm going to Izzy's. Yep, I'm afraid all right.
I went grocery shopping last night and bought snacks for myself. I stocked my desk drawer and office refrigerator with Fiber One bars and string cheese and nuts. I packed a light lunch so I could factor both a snack and a trip to Izzy's into a moderate calorie day.
Realistically I'm probably not going to lose any weight until I get another fill. I know I'm going to need snacks and that will add an extra 100 - 250 calories per day to my food plan. I probably won't see the 160's for another two to four weeks.
So close yet so far.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Post Un-Fill Update
As I previously reported, I had an un-fill on Saturday. I'm not sure how much I have in my band at the moment, but I think it is less than 1 cc. As you can imagine, I was pretty nervous about losing my restriction, but so far, I haven't seen any real difference except for I'm not gagging all night on stomach bile. I have only felt slightly hungry once, last night, when we had pancakes at church and I ate about an hour later than normal. The lack of hunger is pretty consistent with how I felt before the un-fill; I was only hungry then if I didn't eat at the normal time and waited an hour or so longer. I still feel like I have to eat slowly and wait a bit between bites to make sure everything goes down okay. I still get full pretty quickly like I did before.
I'm not sure how long the swelling from the acid and vomiting can last. The acid seems to be completely gone (although I'm finishing the 14-day course of Previcid). So I guess I'll just take it day by day.
Thank you all for commiserating with me yesterday about my small loss last week. I'm really not too upset about it, despite my f-bomb laden post to the contrary. I am pretty happy with my current size and I'm thinking about expanding my wardrobe over the next couple of months. I feel like I'm in my "final size" and I want to go out and start buying things that I won't use all the time, like dresses and skirts. I'm also thinking of buying shorts for the first time in a decade!
I'm not sure how long the swelling from the acid and vomiting can last. The acid seems to be completely gone (although I'm finishing the 14-day course of Previcid). So I guess I'll just take it day by day.
Thank you all for commiserating with me yesterday about my small loss last week. I'm really not too upset about it, despite my f-bomb laden post to the contrary. I am pretty happy with my current size and I'm thinking about expanding my wardrobe over the next couple of months. I feel like I'm in my "final size" and I want to go out and start buying things that I won't use all the time, like dresses and skirts. I'm also thinking of buying shorts for the first time in a decade!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Seriously?!?! POINT EIGHT?!?!!
I'm down .8 (.4 kg.) for the week. Seriously. I couldn't eat for 3 1/2 days. I vomited more times than I can remember. I starved, suffered, cursed my horrible luck and lost....POINT EIGHT OF A FUCKING POUND.
So.Not.Fair.
The only thought that got me through the stupid ordeal was at least I'd have a decent weigh in. At least I'd finally be out of the 170's (77-81 kg.), the decade where weight loss has apparently gone to die. I've been there for four months. I was 1.4 lbs. (.6 kg.) away from the 160's. With my BIG loss this week, I'm still .8 lbs. from the 160's. NOT.FUCKING.FAIR!!!!
So.Not.Fair.
The only thought that got me through the stupid ordeal was at least I'd have a decent weigh in. At least I'd finally be out of the 170's (77-81 kg.), the decade where weight loss has apparently gone to die. I've been there for four months. I was 1.4 lbs. (.6 kg.) away from the 160's. With my BIG loss this week, I'm still .8 lbs. from the 160's. NOT.FUCKING.FAIR!!!!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
5 day forecast...
Rainy, cold, dreary, dark, dank days ahead. No end in sight.
Man, I want some beautiful springtime weather!
Monday, March 7, 2011
Unfilled...(and TMI)
Last week was a bad week. I wrote about some of the issues I was having, but to be honest I think I minimized just how bad it was getting. I was struggling with acid reflux at night and waking up choking every few minutes or 30 minutes or 60 minutes. I slept like that Sunday through Wednesday night. My doctor put me on liquids and you guys suggested Previcid, which I'd used with good results in the past. I had also been trying to sleep with my head elevated. When I say I was waking up choking what I really mean was that I was waking up with my mouth full of vomit and I'd run to the bathroom to spew it out. After a day and a half on liquids I had one decent night sleep, Thursday night. I only woke up a few times. I figured the Previcid was kicking in. I was really relieved.
We went up to Portland on Friday. My daughter's second grade class had a field trip to the Oregon Zoo. I ate greek yogurt in the car and lunch at the zoo and felt pretty good. After we were done at the zoo, we goofed around in Portland for a while and since we had a few hours to kill we tried to catch a movie at the Kennedy School, a second-run movie theater that serves beer and pizza where you sit in recliners and watch movies. They didn't have anything playing during the time we wanted to kill so we went to the café. It was happy hour so I bought a couple of cheep appetizers and a cup of coffee. My fella had a beer. All was well for a couple hours. Then we went to my dad's for dinner. I was feeling "off". We were there for a while and I knew things weren't going well. I went to the bathroom and threw up. Like really threw up, not slimed, not PB'd. I thought, "I hope that takes care of it." and I tried a few bites of dinner. You guessed it. No go. More puking.
We drove the 100 miles home and I felt awful. Like in pain, awful. I went to bed when we got home and proceeded to wake every little while to throw up again. I woke up Saturday dehydrated and lethargic. I was supposed to meet with some Oregon Bandsters. I barely had the energy to send an email to say I wasn't going to be there. It was a miserable day. Finally in the afternoon I started trying to call my doctor. I kept thinking it would pass. I knew the acid was probably worse because TOM had come to town. Mostly I didn't really have the $180 to go see my doctor, but I finally decided I had no choice.
My doctor did a partial un-fill. She took a lot out. I don't really know how much. I think I have less than 1 cc in there at the moment, but I felt so much better right away. I slept great the last two nights. I resumed eating on Sunday with no problems.
I'm kind of nervous about the un-fill because I had really great restriction before. I never, not even when I was puking and feeling horrible, had trouble eating. Food and drink always went down with no problem. So I don't think I was too tight, but I must have been tight enough to let the acid reflux get out of control. I was taking famotidine (generic Pepcid), but I thought it was keep the reflux under control. Until it wasn't. My hope is that the un-fill will allow the acid reflux to completely go away. I can get another fill in two weeks if things go well.
I haven't yet been hungry at all. My restriction feels different, but not necessarily bad. I am assuming that I am pretty swollen from all the puking and acid. I also have had some nausea and a weird pain in my chest that I think is probably from damage caused by the acid. I'll talk to my doctor if it doesn't go away in a couple of days.
So that's my tale of woe. Mostly I'm pissed that my precious three-day-weekend was half-wasted, but I'm glad to be on the mend. And I'm a little excited about my weigh-in on Wednesday. There should be ONE good thing that comes from all the liquids and puking.
We went up to Portland on Friday. My daughter's second grade class had a field trip to the Oregon Zoo. I ate greek yogurt in the car and lunch at the zoo and felt pretty good. After we were done at the zoo, we goofed around in Portland for a while and since we had a few hours to kill we tried to catch a movie at the Kennedy School, a second-run movie theater that serves beer and pizza where you sit in recliners and watch movies. They didn't have anything playing during the time we wanted to kill so we went to the café. It was happy hour so I bought a couple of cheep appetizers and a cup of coffee. My fella had a beer. All was well for a couple hours. Then we went to my dad's for dinner. I was feeling "off". We were there for a while and I knew things weren't going well. I went to the bathroom and threw up. Like really threw up, not slimed, not PB'd. I thought, "I hope that takes care of it." and I tried a few bites of dinner. You guessed it. No go. More puking.
We drove the 100 miles home and I felt awful. Like in pain, awful. I went to bed when we got home and proceeded to wake every little while to throw up again. I woke up Saturday dehydrated and lethargic. I was supposed to meet with some Oregon Bandsters. I barely had the energy to send an email to say I wasn't going to be there. It was a miserable day. Finally in the afternoon I started trying to call my doctor. I kept thinking it would pass. I knew the acid was probably worse because TOM had come to town. Mostly I didn't really have the $180 to go see my doctor, but I finally decided I had no choice.
My doctor did a partial un-fill. She took a lot out. I don't really know how much. I think I have less than 1 cc in there at the moment, but I felt so much better right away. I slept great the last two nights. I resumed eating on Sunday with no problems.
I'm kind of nervous about the un-fill because I had really great restriction before. I never, not even when I was puking and feeling horrible, had trouble eating. Food and drink always went down with no problem. So I don't think I was too tight, but I must have been tight enough to let the acid reflux get out of control. I was taking famotidine (generic Pepcid), but I thought it was keep the reflux under control. Until it wasn't. My hope is that the un-fill will allow the acid reflux to completely go away. I can get another fill in two weeks if things go well.
I haven't yet been hungry at all. My restriction feels different, but not necessarily bad. I am assuming that I am pretty swollen from all the puking and acid. I also have had some nausea and a weird pain in my chest that I think is probably from damage caused by the acid. I'll talk to my doctor if it doesn't go away in a couple of days.
So that's my tale of woe. Mostly I'm pissed that my precious three-day-weekend was half-wasted, but I'm glad to be on the mend. And I'm a little excited about my weigh-in on Wednesday. There should be ONE good thing that comes from all the liquids and puking.
Daughter Bryn at the zoo
At my dad's house Friday night
Thursday, March 3, 2011
New blogger
I am so excited to tell you that one of my real life friends is in the approval process for WLS and just started blogging about her experience. Please pay Kenda a visit and be one of her first followers. Kenda and I went to college together and she's a super-nice person. She's got a bunch of scary/cool things going on in her life right now and needs some support!
Can you believe this is my THIRD post this morning?
Can you believe this is my THIRD post this morning?
Becoming "Normal"
More than wanting to be thin, I wanted to have a "normal" relationship with food. I didn't want to think about food all the time. I didn't want to be constantly chastising myself for what I was eating or what I wished I was eating or what I wasn't eating. I believed it was possible to eat when I was hungry and stop when I was full. I believed that I could eat all foods in moderation; that nothing had to be off-limits. I believed these things, but I'd never actually lived them.
As long as I can remember, food played a disproportionate role in my life. I was a thin child and a thin teen and a thin adult until I was 29. But through all those years, I felt out of control with food. I felt like if I permitted myself to eat the way I wanted to eat, I'd weigh 500 lbs. Events were about the food I could eat, the food I couldn't eat, and the food I wanted to eat.
I had no idea how to obtain this normal food relationship. I read books. I went to Overeaters Anonymous. I went through eating disorder treatment. I remember trying to defend myself to my ex-boyfriend, Eddie, (who had food issues of his own) when it came to having certain foods around our home. I had taken to buying a tube of uncooked cookie dough and having a bit, raw, as dessert. He believed that I was deluding myself by having that stuff around. He thought that with my past food issues, I should abstain from eating sweets and fats FOREVER. He said that the fact that I was so attached to those foods proved that I wasn't eating them "normally", that I was being compulsive about having sweets and eventually I would binge on them.
One thing I have learned about myself is that other people can really influence my confidence in my beliefs. I thought that I could eat sweets in moderation, but when Eddie questioned it, I became defensive and resumed my previous "sneaky" food behavior. And eventually I binged because for me sneaking food is a part of that binge behavior.
But I don't want to talk about Eddie just right now. I want to talk about the other part of it. I want to talk about trying to have a "normal" relationship with food. I want to talk about what that means and how we go about getting it.
See, I think I have a normal relationship with food right now. At least as normal as I've ever had. I'm not compulsive about food. I don't obsess about food. I don't think about food all the time. I eat what I want. I stop when I'm full. I don't "go off program" because there's no program to go off of. I do what I do. I don't always make good food choices. Sometimes I overeat. Sometimes I eat when I'm not hungry. But most of the time, I'm pretty normal. And when I do make a mistake, it doesn't last long and I don't struggle to resume "normal" behaviors.
I don't know how I got here, to be honest. I know it has to do with finally stopping dieting and stopping beating myself up about food. I know, too, that having my lap-band to tell me when I've had enough is a HUGE part of my success. I don't know if I could have done it without that. But I also know that there's more to it than simply having weight loss surgery. I read other blogs where people talking about needing to get their mojo back, needing to do a 5-day pouch test to get back on track, needing to go to the gym again and I understand those feelings, but I also recognize that I don't feel that way now. To me that sounds like how I felt BEFORE I had surgery when I was always thinking I needed to "do" something - go on a diet, start an exercise routine, SOMETHING. I wish I could give some concrete advice so that others could have what I have, because it is amazing to be free from all that crap.
As long as I can remember, food played a disproportionate role in my life. I was a thin child and a thin teen and a thin adult until I was 29. But through all those years, I felt out of control with food. I felt like if I permitted myself to eat the way I wanted to eat, I'd weigh 500 lbs. Events were about the food I could eat, the food I couldn't eat, and the food I wanted to eat.
I had no idea how to obtain this normal food relationship. I read books. I went to Overeaters Anonymous. I went through eating disorder treatment. I remember trying to defend myself to my ex-boyfriend, Eddie, (who had food issues of his own) when it came to having certain foods around our home. I had taken to buying a tube of uncooked cookie dough and having a bit, raw, as dessert. He believed that I was deluding myself by having that stuff around. He thought that with my past food issues, I should abstain from eating sweets and fats FOREVER. He said that the fact that I was so attached to those foods proved that I wasn't eating them "normally", that I was being compulsive about having sweets and eventually I would binge on them.
One thing I have learned about myself is that other people can really influence my confidence in my beliefs. I thought that I could eat sweets in moderation, but when Eddie questioned it, I became defensive and resumed my previous "sneaky" food behavior. And eventually I binged because for me sneaking food is a part of that binge behavior.
But I don't want to talk about Eddie just right now. I want to talk about the other part of it. I want to talk about trying to have a "normal" relationship with food. I want to talk about what that means and how we go about getting it.
See, I think I have a normal relationship with food right now. At least as normal as I've ever had. I'm not compulsive about food. I don't obsess about food. I don't think about food all the time. I eat what I want. I stop when I'm full. I don't "go off program" because there's no program to go off of. I do what I do. I don't always make good food choices. Sometimes I overeat. Sometimes I eat when I'm not hungry. But most of the time, I'm pretty normal. And when I do make a mistake, it doesn't last long and I don't struggle to resume "normal" behaviors.
I don't know how I got here, to be honest. I know it has to do with finally stopping dieting and stopping beating myself up about food. I know, too, that having my lap-band to tell me when I've had enough is a HUGE part of my success. I don't know if I could have done it without that. But I also know that there's more to it than simply having weight loss surgery. I read other blogs where people talking about needing to get their mojo back, needing to do a 5-day pouch test to get back on track, needing to go to the gym again and I understand those feelings, but I also recognize that I don't feel that way now. To me that sounds like how I felt BEFORE I had surgery when I was always thinking I needed to "do" something - go on a diet, start an exercise routine, SOMETHING. I wish I could give some concrete advice so that others could have what I have, because it is amazing to be free from all that crap.
Checking in...
I'm so happy to report that I slept great last night. I think it is the Prilosec that is doing the trick. I'm so glad you guys reminded me of how well that stuff works because I've used it before with great success too. Thank you!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Incoherent ramblings of the sleep deprived...
Incoherent ramblings of the sleep deprived...I slept like $hit again last night. I would fall asleep and sleep anywhere from a few minutes to an hour and then wake up choking. Oddly it was saliva I was choking on instead of bile. I took a few of your advice and bought some Prilosec so the stomach acid was 1,000,000 times better.
I really don't have the money to go in for an un-fill (or I do, but I wasn't planning to spend it on that). It is going to be the regular price of an office visit since I haven't seen her since June. I hate our health care system in this country. I hate being poor.
AND I'M HUNGRY! I've been doing liquids since yesterday afternoon when I talked to my doctor. In case you don't know, LIQUIDS SUCK! Last night I just felt kind of crappy so I didn't really mind not eating, but this morning my stomach is rumbling and the jello didn't help. I've decided that if I sleep okay tonight (Please God!), I'm going to switch to food tomorrow because this is no fun.
The only good thing going on is my weigh-in this morning. I am down two full pounds (.9 kg.) for a total loss of 108.4 lbs. (49.2 kg.). I now weigh 171.6 lbs. (77.8 kg.). My BMI is 26.1. Damn, I'm sick of the 170's! I've been here since December. If nothing else, the liquids will kick me into a new decade.
I really don't have the money to go in for an un-fill (or I do, but I wasn't planning to spend it on that). It is going to be the regular price of an office visit since I haven't seen her since June. I hate our health care system in this country. I hate being poor.
AND I'M HUNGRY! I've been doing liquids since yesterday afternoon when I talked to my doctor. In case you don't know, LIQUIDS SUCK! Last night I just felt kind of crappy so I didn't really mind not eating, but this morning my stomach is rumbling and the jello didn't help. I've decided that if I sleep okay tonight (Please God!), I'm going to switch to food tomorrow because this is no fun.
The only good thing going on is my weigh-in this morning. I am down two full pounds (.9 kg.) for a total loss of 108.4 lbs. (49.2 kg.). I now weigh 171.6 lbs. (77.8 kg.). My BMI is 26.1. Damn, I'm sick of the 170's! I've been here since December. If nothing else, the liquids will kick me into a new decade.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Benched
I've been benched. I called my fill doctor today because I've had HORRIBLE acid reflux the last couple of nights - so bad I've been unable to sleep more than a couple of hours without choking on acid in the back of my throat. I'll probably have to go in for an un-fill, but she suggested I try liquids for a few days to see if I can settle it down.
I've posted about my issues with acid reflux before. Really it has been well-controlled with famotidine (Pepcid) for several months. I don't know why the flair-up, but I could really do without!
I'm such a baby when I don't sleep!
In other news, one of my friends from college is looking into the lap-band. She just developed the necessary comorbidities for her insurance to cover WLS (lucky girl!) so she's been referred to a surgeon. I gave her my blog address so she might stop by (Hi K.!).
The good news about a few days of liquids is that I may lose a bit of weight. That'd be nice!
I've posted about my issues with acid reflux before. Really it has been well-controlled with famotidine (Pepcid) for several months. I don't know why the flair-up, but I could really do without!
I'm such a baby when I don't sleep!
In other news, one of my friends from college is looking into the lap-band. She just developed the necessary comorbidities for her insurance to cover WLS (lucky girl!) so she's been referred to a surgeon. I gave her my blog address so she might stop by (Hi K.!).
The good news about a few days of liquids is that I may lose a bit of weight. That'd be nice!
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