For all the progress I've made in this process, I am sometimes surprised to see how easy it is to slip back into old thought patterns. This week I got on the scale as usual and I was up which is not usual. I weighed 181.6 - a gain of 1.6 since last week.
Now I don't believe it was a real gain. It happened that weigh day and TOM came knocking on the same day. Here's a bit of TMI. I have an IUD which typically contribute to very short, very heavy periods. I love my IUD anyways because it offers trouble free birth control for 10 years and of course I love having TOM around for only three days or so. But I could do without the heavy part. But I digress.
I don't usually gain weight when TOM comes around. Except Heavy Day isn't usually Weigh Day. So I am assuming that is the issue. Tomorrow I will weigh again to test my theory.
Also I hadn't had a BM in two days when I weighed. I told you, TMI.
But what is interesting to me about all this is that I am kind of freaking out. I am racking my brain for the foods I ate and trying to figure out if I went overboard somewhere and didn't realize it. I made a comment on Tuesday that it was such a relief to know I'd never have to diet again. Now my brain is screaming at me that I'm a fraud and that 180 lbs. is the lowest I'll ever see and that I'm now going to start gaining until I'm 280 lbs. again.
Before I was banded, I lost weight excruciatingly slowly. Every diet attempt was practically an exercise in futility. My last serious diet effort lasted six months and I lost 25 lbs. After my surgery I realized that I hadn't been eating enough protein and that my daily allotment on Weight Watchers with banked and exercise points had me eating about 1,800 calories a day which was too much for steady weight loss. But what if I'm back in that nightmare again?
Because it was a nightmare. I couldn't even think about dieting. It was such a painful subject for me. I didn't understand why I couldn't seem to lose weight anymore and yet I'd gain steadily while eating what most people would consider a healthy diet. I exercised every day. I tried to talk about it, but I felt like all I could offer was excuses. I didn't think anyone would believe me that I didn't eat crap all the time. I felt like a fraud.
So here I am. Freaking out. Feeling like my body has turned against me again. Even though the rational part of me knows it hasn't and that I haven't been successful for 10+ months to suddenly start gaining for no reason. So I am sincerely hoping tomorrow will give me a better number. And maybe someday it would be nice to not have to listen to my brain freaking out inside of my head when I don't see what I want there. Like maybe I could still be okay with myself no matter what I weighed?