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Friday, October 30, 2015

Being everything to everyone

I feel as if I have been through the ringer this year.  At first it was two major health crises: Lap-band re-positioning (followed by almost two months of sickness) and then it was the cardiac ablation procedure (which wasn't really a big deal, but kind of messed with my head for a while).  Then I worked like a crazy fool for five months.  Then my tenants put their notice in and I had to dump a bunch of money into renovating my rental property.  I also had a job offer across the state, a big fancy vacation and all the stuff I usually deal with: unhappy relationship, teenage daughters' drama, being a small business owner, etc.  Also I have gained a few pounds and that sucks.  Although I have been doing all the usual stuff to lose them, they don't seem to be going anywhere.

I have pretty much paid all of the bills associated with my rental property and yesterday the new tenants moved in.  It is actually someone I know, so I am feeling pretty good about it, which is important since I live next door.  But I emptied most of my savings to do the renovations.  This morning I was calculating things out and I was really bummed out by the final tally.

For some reason, I have been thinking about the coming holidays this week and getting preemptively stressed.  We are planning a little trip right after Christmas and I'm just not feeling it.  I don't know if I want to travel with my family.  I don't know if I can bring all of the Christmas joy to our lives, like I usually do.  I don't know what to get my kids for their main gifts.  The ideas I have seem too expensive.

I really want to do some remodeling in my house, where I live.  In fact, before my tenants gave their notice, I was thinking I would paint and replace my flooring, which is the same old carpets and vinyl that I had when I moved in eight years ago.

And I really wanted to take the job and move, but between my tenants moving out and needing to renovate my place, it would just be too expensive to leave town.  I just don't have the money.

It is cold and rainy and damp in Eugene, Oregon and so is my mood.

When does it get to be MY turn?  When does someone give a shit if I have a perfect Christmas or a perfect vacation or a perfect place to live?


MandaPanda said...

Aaaaawwww. If I've learned anything the last couple of years is that we can't count on anyone else to make us happy. We have to make our own happiness. If a trip doesn't sound good to you, don't do it. Don't feel bad about it and don't apologize for it. Have a Christmas at home and love it. As for your floor, perhaps an area rug to brighten it up until you can afford to replace them? Take a deep breath and do something for you. It's only November 2nd. You have plenty of time to figure it all out. We're here for you. BTW, your pic on your previous post is AWESOME! You look great! said...

How about a sun lamp chica? That Oregon gloom can get anyone down. Or better yet, a sunny inexpensive vacation alone! You'll figure it all out. Just breathe.