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Friday, October 16, 2015

Have you ever had an affair?

You don't have to answer that.  I've been thinking about having an affair.  I don't really have anyone in mind.  I'm just very lonely.

My feelings for my current fella (of 16 years) are mainly resentment, to be honest.  I don't have a lot of respect for him.  Mainly the source of these feelings is his long-term unemployment.  I divorced him over it back in 2006, but he manipulated me into letting him stay with me by telling me he was dyeing of cancer.  I didn't really believe him, but a part of me was afraid it was true.

9 years later, I have no one to blame but myself for allowing things to go on so long, but since he has no source of income, I don't know how to separate myself from him.  I can't force him to leave and he won't go voluntarily.  I don't want him to have to pitch a tent and live in the park, but I also don't want to continue being miserable for the rest of my (or his) life.

Mostly I just pretend it isn't how things are and I go about my life. 

Intellectually I know having an affair won't really change things, except maybe he would get the point.  And maybe I wouldn't be so lonely.

5 comments: said...

Life is too short to stay miserable. I hope you find a solution Amanda.
Maybe you are holding him back from happiness too by allowing him to stay.

MandaPanda said...

I'm wondering what you mean by you "can't force him to leave." You most certainly can. It would be difficult, but YOU could leave. He can't follow you. I know it wouldn't be easy but for your own happiness, it's something that needs to be done. Have y'all tried counselling? Some people find it very helpful. I think therapy for you, even if he won't go, would help you see that you DESERVE to be happy and not miserable in your life. We're here for you sweetie.

Amanda Kiska said...

I own the home we live in and so me leaving would be difficult. It is probably a little underwater from the recession and there are lots of repairs I would need to make it ready to rent or sell.

I have done therapy before and we have done it together as a couple. I'm not opposed to that,but I guess I don't really know what sort of outcome I am hoping for.

Amy W. said...

The first time Heather kissed me, I was still with Tracy. About 4 days later, I told him and we began the break up. Tracey is is too damn short. Of course, it's easy to SAY that, and we all know that ending a relationship is freaking hard and can feel like it lasts forever. But you have to start somewhere. We can only give you advice from a far-off perspective...which kind of sucks.

Theresa said...

I stayed with a man who abused me and manipulated me for 23 years, because I didn't know how to get out. I left once and he manipulated me into taking him back too. I was so worried about what would happen to him that I couldn't see what was happening to me! You are not his mother! Sadly he knows you are good and kind and that you don't want him living on the street, but think about this Amanda...your girls are growing and soon will be out of the nest, what then? What will it feel like when you realize that you could have been sharing your life with someone who cared as much about you as you care about them. I promise you this much, he WON'T leave unless you force him and he WON'T change unless that is forced too. It could be the biggest favor you do for both of you. My advice on an affair...don't do it, that's not a good way to start a relationship.