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Thursday, August 18, 2011

ANXIETY

I lost a follower.  It happens and I don't take it personally, except maybe when I write about something personal like my last post and the next time I log on, I notice I've lost a follower.  Then it might hurt just a little, tiny bit...


Several of us are writing about what happens when food and fat are no longer around to insulate us from whatever it is that the food and fat protected us from.  Draz wrote a great post about what happens when being thin doesn't "fix" our life like we thought it would. For me I've noticed that one of the functions my disordered eating used to serve was helping me to do with anxiety and now that it's gone, the anxiety has become bigger and more difficult to manage.

Like right now.  I work as a property manager and as such some of my interactions with tenants are not pleasant.  There are a few specific tasks that I must do as part of my job that I have intense anxiety about.  To the point that when I know these tasks are coming up, I become a complete mess.  In my mind everything becomes tainted by this fear of what I've got to face.  I have difficulty enjoying things I'd normally enjoy because of the worry.  These fears don't stay at work either.  They creep into my regular life.  They interfere with my sleep.  I obsess about them.  I pray that I won't have to do it.


The tasks are conflict-related tasks: times when I have to deal with someone face-to-face (or on the phone) in a conflict situation.  The worst stress comes from time when I have to go to court with people.  I'm usually okay with the evictions that I must process through the courts.  I do those every couple of months or so and they don't normally evoke any major response from me.  The ones that freak me out are money disputes with people that go through small claims court.  The actual process isn't that big of deal, but the lead-up to the experience causes me to be riddled with anxiety and stress.  I have a court case scheduled with a former tenant (and alcoholic who is actively drinking) for August 29th.  I feel like the rest of my summer is ruined because I have to do this.  Usually my co-worker (and sister) would go with me and her presence is very calming to me, but she has to go to court with her ex-husband that day so I'll be on my own. 

I know that it will work out.  I think that the courts are usually pretty fair.  Intellectually I know that everything will be okay.  It isn't personal.  Even if I lose, the world will keep spinning.  But this horrible fear still runs loose in my head.  It has influenced everything in my life since I learned of the court case on Monday.  It isn't a rational response.  I now have no outlet for the anxiety that I once would have coped with by overeating.  And when I feel like that, I start feeling like I'm all on my own.  Like I have no one to turn to for help in life.  These emotions clouded the post I wrote the other day in which I talked about my relationship with my kids' dad.  Because I am feeling overwhelmed, my attitude in the post was that there were no redeeming qualities in our relationship which probably isn't accurate.  It was just the way I was feeling at the moment that I wrote the words.  It was influenced by this horrible feeling of dread and anxiety that is clouding my mind right now.

In a perfect world, I'd probably seek medical help for this anxiety, but I don't have health insurance so that would require careful planning.  I would need to save money for the office visit and the prescription.  It would probably be October before I had the funds and that would be too late.  This only comes up a few times a year with the court stuff.  I also have limited situations that are more common,  but also happen spontaneously so I don't have to worry about them for weeks. I have the same anxiety when a tenant comes in pissed off about a maintenance issue or a problem with their neighbor, but I don't have to think about it over several days.  They come in, we talk, the situation gets resolved.  Pretty much any conflict can invoke this reaction, even conflicts with my fella (or with my daughter's soccer team, another one of the fun things I have going on right now).  Often I just bury my head in the sand and try to ignore whatever is going on, but the fear still runs rampant in my mind.

Oh, yeah, my youngest daughter also has LICE (eek!) (well, hopefully not anymore), my fella is only working one day this week, I am up a bit on the scale, I just realized when I was planning to go camping next weekend for probably the last trip of the year, I also have an opportunity to make some money so now I have to decide what I'd rather do, and I have to work alone for the next two days.  I also have some fun things coming in the next couple days so I hope I can get out of this funk.

On a completely unrelated topic, I wish I had a cool tag-line to end all my posts like, "Now you have the skinny!" so I wouldn't have to think of a nice way to wrap up my post without just trailing off like I tend to do.      

19 comments:

Linda said...

I am trying to figure how to cope with stress without food too. It's really hard. My daughter got lice this Summer too- so gross. Hopefully they are gone. Email me if tips- on the lice stuff, I'm no good on the stress stuff yet.

Beth Ann said...

Sounds like you just got a tag line! :)

Anxiety sucks. I hope you can get yourself through the next few days with some enjoyment. Good luck in court. Like you said, the world will keep spinning either way. But I understand how much better it is to come out on the winning side.

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

Have you ever tried Sam E? I hear that some people with anxiety have good luck with it. I'm sorry things are stressful. I hope it gets better soon. I feel you on the coping without food for stress releif...but hey, you're writing it out, that's good. Take care of yourself!

Stephanie said...

If you have issues with lice, I can help as I dealt with that MANY times last year. I have found the best stuff to get rid of it. The OTC stuff does not work and the comb is next to worthless. Email me if you need more info: sjoy1972@gmail.com

I suffer from situational anxiety and I take Klonopin and it works fast and great!!

Cece said...

I have been on anti-depressants for most of my adult life. When I was without insurance, my doc was able to assist me with the manufacturer's no charge program. Good attitude though knowing that the world will keep on spinning ... take care ...

Rachel said...

One follower lost, one gained! http://fatfishskinnysea.blogspot.com

MandaPanda said...

I know that when things start piling up, it seems like EVERYTHING is going wrong. I think it's good that you can keep it in your mind that all things will pass and you'll be on even footing soon. Hang in there sweetie!

Amanda said...

Oh my goodness...LICE! That is enough to push me over the edge.

I find that I have the same type of anxiety as you some times. I am pretty happy go lucky but man, I don't like conflict. I think about it, I stress about it, and I worry about it! Typically when it passes it was not big deal! So why the hell did I stress?

Don't worry about losing a follower. Chances are they felt overwelmed by the amount of people they were trying to keep up with! Or perhaps they fell off the wagon and deleted their whole account. What matters is quality! Right?

Sarah G said...

Deep breaths Amanda! I understand the anxiety over confrontation/conflict totally.

Good luck with the lice, my oldest had a couple of rounds with it several years ago. What a nightmare!

~Lisa~ said...

You totally have a cool tag line now!

And, I'm really sorry that things in your life are so full of stress.. (((huggggsssss))) to you....

Dizzy Girl said...

Amanda you will get through this! Maybe it's time to look for a job that's a little less stressful to you? You never know, maybe you'll be lucky and find something that pays a little more too. If that's not an option, I'd suggest looking more seriously into natural ways to reduce anxiety. I have anxiety too- social anxiety mostly, and I don't have insurance either so no way to get pills to cope. I started doing yoga and breathing exercises too. They don't resolve the anxiety by any means, but it's all I know at this point- so I keep doing it in hopes that soon it will help me

Good luck babe!

Xo

Fangirl Says/Monica said...

Is there any way you can get a friend to go with you to small claims court? Hopefully it would be a little bit easier if you have moral support. Hang in there! :)

Dinnerland said...

Sorry to hear.. how about some valerian tea nightly? It is a sedative that you can get in any 'sleepytime tea'-- it will knock you out a bit, but is calming...
Also: your post was fine. Don't be so hard on yourself, that causes anxiety too.
Finally: in my experience with anxiety-- trying to tell yourself not to be anxious DOESN'T work. Just accept the anxiety-- and maybe try to find a free or low cost clinic to get some help-- you deserve to feel better.

Cat said...

As much as it is awful for you to have to go through this stress, I believe talking it out with us may offer some emotional support at the least. I hope that court case resolves itself painlessly and quickly.

Also, I too wish I had a tag line rather than just trailing...

Lonicera said...

Tag lines and endings: have you noticed that Draz has a clever way of finishing her posts - she turns it back on the reader, and asks 'how about you?'
I used to be a credit controller and felt a sick dread when I had to go to court, or if an aggressive customer rang and their tactic was to turn the conversation back on you personally (and who are you, what's your name, and what right have you got to tell me.... etc). You had to leave the ball in their court by the end of the conversation and I used to find it very stressful.
In the end I think you need to decide how much stress you're willing to take on in order to keep your lifestyle, and then balance it with your health. I appreciate that this may not be possible till your kids can manage for themselves.
Caroline

Ronnie said...

*hugs* That's all I got. I can't imagine how much stress it is to deal with people like this on a daily basis.

Take some time for yourself, girlfriend. Take a bath, read a book, anything.

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

Sorry to hear. I wish I could give you a magic potion that has worked for me but I too am still learning to deal with anxiety with out food. I am still learning coping mechanisms. All I can offer you is a hug. And lice suck. I shaved my kids *thank god they are boys* heads due to lice so I know what a pain it is to get rid of them

Robyn's Nest said...

Dear Amanda, you need some serious hugs. (((HUG))) I am sorry about losing a follower, but really, your post was fine. Please don't stress about that- you need to be able to type what you need to type at the moment.
Maybe you should try some sort of meditation to help control your anxiety? I wish I had better advice. I wish somehow we could fix our health insurance issues and you could get the care you need to fight it.
Keep the tag line idea- it is now yours.

Debi said...

Oh Amanda....I wish so much that you didn't have to deal with so much stress. Stress is not good, no matter how good you are at it. And I hear you about anxiety too. I absolutely hate confrontation of any kind, which probably made it so much harder for my Fibromyalgia when I was working for the Franchise Tax Board in Calif before I retired on a Medical retirement.

But I also want to say that you are a GREAT Mother!! I remember how great you were with your daughter at our lunch together. You would do anything for your girls.

And....I want to wish you a belated Happy Birthday!! I totally missed it! But I am glad to see that you got to go off and enjoy yourself that week.