This past weekend was difficult. I really struggled with feelings of frustration, resentment, even anger. Some of it was justified, some not. I've talked before about the things going on in my life that contribute to these feelings. I don't really want to dwell on them now, but let's just summarize by saying my financial situation is a struggle, caused mainly by the fact the the guy I live with can't figure out what he wants to be when he grows up.
And I'm tired. I don't like being the only one with responsibilities in my house. I resent the free time, the lack of obligations, the sense of expectation that all this will be given.
I hate that my so-called "free time" is spent cleaning and organizing. I sorted through my youngest daughter's closet and dresser on Sunday afternoon. I spent all day Saturday cleaning and folding laundry. In the evening I took my daughters and niece to a movie at the second-run movie theater in town. We saw Shrek in 3D. It was fun, but it kind of felt like a chore.
I feel run down. I have a very minor (but annoying) medical condition that tends to flare up when I'm stressed that has made an appearance in the after-math of the weekend. Mostly that was what I intended to post about. I don't want to whine and complain. What I want to say is when will I learn to manage my stress? When will I stop allowing myself to over-do it and then suffer the consequences?
Because I can't control the rest of it. I can't twitch my noise and make my numbers come up in the Lotto Jackpot. I can't make my fella find a job (I could kick him to the curb, but that's another post for another day). I can't find and beat the man who bought a piece of property from my mom (and her sibs) for 3.5 million, paid $500,000 (mostly realtor fees and taxes), tied up the transaction for two years and then announced he wasn't going to be able to finish paying for it. Those things are out of my control.
But how I react and how I feel ARE within my control, as is what I eat. On Sunday I made a couple of bad food choices. Nothing major, but I felt a bit out of control for a little while. I realized that I could slide back into old patterns. I don't want to do that.
Even though I know intellectually that I can't control the external stuff, I still fight a battle with myself about it. I pray and wonder why God doesn't make it all better, even though I don't think I believe that is what God does. But I want that to be what God does. I want God to wave a magic wand and give me "enough". I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of playing by the rules and not getting anywhere but further behind. I want someone to help me. I want to feel hopeful about the future instead of anxious.
But I have to stop myself and remember that a year ago, I believed my relationship with food to be hopeless. I felt controlled by my obsession to overeat. I thought I'd always be fat. I was afraid WLS was my only option and that I'd never be able to afford it. Well I didn't afford it, but I managed to finance it. I made it happen. And now I'm better. Not perfect, but healthy. So there is hope.
Here's a picture from my vacation taken in the Ape Cave on Mt. St. Helens with my oldest daughter: