Search This Blog

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

I rode through the desert on a post with no name...

This past weekend was difficult. I really struggled with feelings of frustration, resentment, even anger. Some of it was justified, some not. I've talked before about the things going on in my life that contribute to these feelings. I don't really want to dwell on them now, but let's just summarize by saying my financial situation is a struggle, caused mainly by the fact the the guy I live with can't figure out what he wants to be when he grows up.

And I'm tired. I don't like being the only one with responsibilities in my house. I resent the free time, the lack of obligations, the sense of expectation that all this will be given.

I hate that my so-called "free time" is spent cleaning and organizing. I sorted through my youngest daughter's closet and dresser on Sunday afternoon. I spent all day Saturday cleaning and folding laundry. In the evening I took my daughters and niece to a movie at the second-run movie theater in town. We saw Shrek in 3D. It was fun, but it kind of felt like a chore.

I feel run down. I have a very minor (but annoying) medical condition that tends to flare up when I'm stressed that has made an appearance in the after-math of the weekend. Mostly that was what I intended to post about. I don't want to whine and complain. What I want to say is when will I learn to manage my stress? When will I stop allowing myself to over-do it and then suffer the consequences?

Because I can't control the rest of it. I can't twitch my noise and make my numbers come up in the Lotto Jackpot. I can't make my fella find a job (I could kick him to the curb, but that's another post for another day). I can't find and beat the man who bought a piece of property from my mom (and her sibs) for 3.5 million, paid $500,000 (mostly realtor fees and taxes), tied up the transaction for two years and then announced he wasn't going to be able to finish paying for it. Those things are out of my control.

But how I react and how I feel ARE within my control, as is what I eat. On Sunday I made a couple of bad food choices. Nothing major, but I felt a bit out of control for a little while. I realized that I could slide back into old patterns. I don't want to do that.

Even though I know intellectually that I can't control the external stuff, I still fight a battle with myself about it. I pray and wonder why God doesn't make it all better, even though I don't think I believe that is what God does. But I want that to be what God does. I want God to wave a magic wand and give me "enough". I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of playing by the rules and not getting anywhere but further behind. I want someone to help me. I want to feel hopeful about the future instead of anxious.

But I have to stop myself and remember that a year ago, I believed my relationship with food to be hopeless. I felt controlled by my obsession to overeat. I thought I'd always be fat. I was afraid WLS was my only option and that I'd never be able to afford it. Well I didn't afford it, but I managed to finance it. I made it happen. And now I'm better. Not perfect, but healthy. So there is hope.

Here's a picture from my vacation taken in the Ape Cave on Mt. St. Helens with my oldest daughter:

15 comments:

Band Groupie said...

Look at you now in those size 16's...awesome! And I could have written those ending paragraphs...it's where I was too. Life's a rollercoaster and it's starting to turn for you...just keep believing in yourself and what you've already done...you're lookin' good GF...the 'feeling' good will come! ((hugs))

Heather said...

Hugs and condolences on your bad way of it. I really want to kill my husband today for bringing us down every time that we seem to get a bit ahead. It seems as if he doesn't want us to make it. I know this isn't a place for my problems, I guess I just want you to know that you are not alone.

CHRISTINE said...

your "turn" will come. Keep looking for the moon and if you miss it grab a star!

Amy said...

I'm sorry you are struggling, Amanda. Financial stress is horrible - I can relate, when DH was out of work for six months, we were in a real bind. We are doing better, but not great. And it does weigh on me.

I hope that things get better, but moreso, I hope that you can find a way to deal with the stress without overeating or getting sick. Hang in there! We care.

Lonicera said...

Amanda, I too could have written those last two paragraphs. You really, TRULY are not alone. You feel that with all the sh*t you're living through you deserve better, and that it's your turn for something good. Like you, I too say ..."I know I can't control the external stuff...", so I hang onto the mantras I wrote about in a post some time ago, and this one I keep saying to myself when I get very low "Concentrate on what you CAN control"... I have no doubt that by succeeding at weightloss I will gradually iron out all the rest because I will acquire the strength to do so. Sharing your problems in your blog helps too. Hang on in there, we're all supporting you.
Caroline

Island Bandit said...

sorry to hear of your struggles. manage what you can and try not to get your knickers in a twist over things you can't control. How great does it feel to finally be in control of food though? Way to go!!!!

tessierose said...

Amanda, hang in there! I know it's hard not to get discourged at times like these. I think of all the stresses out there, financial stress just weighs so heavy. I hope things get better soon. Big hug!!
Oh, and I finished the book that Caroline sent me, I'll message you for your address and I'll send it to you.

Kim said...

Hugs for you!

MandaPanda said...

A couple things... I'm a little late but CONGRATS on 75 lbs! That's a HUGE accomplishment and you should feel so proud for getting there. You're definitely going through a rough spot right now but there's always a light at the end of the tunnel...more times than not, it's not a train. Hang in there! Sending good thoughts your way

Cindylew said...

Hang in there girl. I'm sorry you are in a crappy place right now, at least mentally, but I know how strong you are and have faith that you will come out on the other side.

Bonnie said...

Sorry you've got so much going on. Sending positive vibes your way.

Neglected Foster Child said...

I have to question how young your youngest is. My mother thinks that I'm a lazy mother, although she will never come out and say that directly. Most of that is centered around the fact that I give my daughter the freedom to keep her room clean or have it dirty based on how she takes care of it. To my mom, that's lazy. To me, it's instilling in my daughter what my sisters and I missed out on: the ability to understand that no one else is going to do it if we don't.

You see, I never learned to take care of the small things like organizing drawers because if I did them like my mother asked, she would always come in my room, determine I'd done them wrong and redo them. So I stopped doing them, took the chewing out without having done the work as opposed to doing the work and still getting chewed out.

I'm not trying to say that I'm better or worse than you. Your choices for how you raise your family are totally yours. But you shouldn't get to the end of the day and have that pent up in you or have it come out in unhealthy ways. Because in the end, you'll end up being even angry at yourself for those feelings of resentment because they're your children.

I guess I'm just saying that in order to take it easier on yourself, take it easier on yourself. Stop doing that work for your kids. Let them sort it out. It will do both of you a monumental favor.

Jess said...

I am sorry you are having such a tough time. I know how it feels. I can't imagine adding the responsibility that comes with children to my life. It's hard enough as it is without that added stress. Hang in there. Things will improve.

Michelle said...

Keep your chin up things will get better with time. Force yourself to have some you time. *hugs*

Stephanie said...

Never give up hope, sweetie. There is so much that is beyond our control, but you are in control of your body and you will win!!