Being everything to everyone

I feel as if I have been through the ringer this year.  At first it was two major health crises: Lap-band re-positioning (followed by almost two months of sickness) and then it was the cardiac ablation procedure (which wasn't really a big deal, but kind of messed with my head for a while).  Then I worked like a crazy fool for five months.  Then my tenants put their notice in and I had to dump a bunch of money into renovating my rental property.  I also had a job offer across the state, a big fancy vacation and all the stuff I usually deal with: unhappy relationship, teenage daughters' drama, being a small business owner, etc.  Also I have gained a few pounds and that sucks.  Although I have been doing all the usual stuff to lose them, they don't seem to be going anywhere.

I have pretty much paid all of the bills associated with my rental property and yesterday the new tenants moved in.  It is actually someone I know, so I am feeling pretty good about it, which is important since I live next door.  But I emptied most of my savings to do the renovations.  This morning I was calculating things out and I was really bummed out by the final tally.

For some reason, I have been thinking about the coming holidays this week and getting preemptively stressed.  We are planning a little trip right after Christmas and I'm just not feeling it.  I don't know if I want to travel with my family.  I don't know if I can bring all of the Christmas joy to our lives, like I usually do.  I don't know what to get my kids for their main gifts.  The ideas I have seem too expensive.

I really want to do some remodeling in my house, where I live.  In fact, before my tenants gave their notice, I was thinking I would paint and replace my flooring, which is the same old carpets and vinyl that I had when I moved in eight years ago.

And I really wanted to take the job and move, but between my tenants moving out and needing to renovate my place, it would just be too expensive to leave town.  I just don't have the money.

It is cold and rainy and damp in Eugene, Oregon and so is my mood.

When does it get to be MY turn?  When does someone give a shit if I have a perfect Christmas or a perfect vacation or a perfect place to live?

Gym Night

I am supposed to go to the gym tonight, although I don't want to.  I happily do all sorts of exercise every day, but I don't enjoy the gym work outs much. 

I have to remind myself that lifting weights is very good for me.  Among other reasons, I have been able to recover from an annoying and painful shoulder injury by gently working out that area for several months and gradually increasing weight and repetition.  A year ago I would have said my shoulder would probably require surgery to function properly, but now it is about 90% of normal and I wouldn't have surgery, even if it were offered. 

Here I am heading to the hotel gym when I traveled for business last month.

Have you ever had an affair?

You don't have to answer that.  I've been thinking about having an affair.  I don't really have anyone in mind.  I'm just very lonely.

My feelings for my current fella (of 16 years) are mainly resentment, to be honest.  I don't have a lot of respect for him.  Mainly the source of these feelings is his long-term unemployment.  I divorced him over it back in 2006, but he manipulated me into letting him stay with me by telling me he was dyeing of cancer.  I didn't really believe him, but a part of me was afraid it was true.

9 years later, I have no one to blame but myself for allowing things to go on so long, but since he has no source of income, I don't know how to separate myself from him.  I can't force him to leave and he won't go voluntarily.  I don't want him to have to pitch a tent and live in the park, but I also don't want to continue being miserable for the rest of my (or his) life.

Mostly I just pretend it isn't how things are and I go about my life. 

Intellectually I know having an affair won't really change things, except maybe he would get the point.  And maybe I wouldn't be so lonely.