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Thursday, April 14, 2011

Carrying a watermelon into the BBQ

I haven't posted for awhile.  A lot is going on.  I am overwhelmed and stressed out.  I don't know how to talk about my worries so I haven't posted.  Yesterday I felt like I was going to explode for a variety of reasons, but one of the things that kept setting me off was that people were calling my cell phone.

I know I'm not the only one in Blogland who suffers from social phobia.  I consider mine to be pretty minor in comparison to others who've shared their experiences.  But my issues still get in my way sometimes, especially when I'm already overwhelmed. 

I have been dealing with the insurance company about my roof and that's been fine, but it really irritates me that the agent insists on calling me on my cell phone in response to my email.  If I email you, you should email me back.  Don't call.  Don't stop by.  Click "reply".  It is really simple.  Because I cannot cope with speaking to you right now.  When I am overwhelmed, it helps to have email to refer back to for details of our conversations.

I have a new tenant lined up for my duplex.  I live in half and rent the other half out.  So in addition to picking out my tenant, I'm also picking out my neighbor.  It is overwhelming.  My fella isn't happy with my choice.  I say choice, but really fair housing laws don't permit me to "chose" someone.  I have to accept the first qualified applicant, even if they aren't my first choice.  So now if there are any problems, I'll never hear the end of it from the fella.  Great.  I also told my new tenant not to call my cell phone and to call my office or the property manager.  She "stalker called" me three times in a row and didn't leave a message.  I was driving and am prohibited by law from answering my cell phone. Annoying.

You are probably wondering about the title of this post.  It refers to my first memory of my social phobia.  We went to my best friend's family's house for a BBQ.  My mom gave me a watermelon to carry in.  I was about six and the idea of walking up to the door while holding a watermelon petrified me.  I was afraid they'd answer the door and say, "Why are you bringing a watermelon?".  What if we had the wrong day?  It was irrational, but I often have those overwhelming feelings when I must deal with people or answer the phone.  And it gets worse when I'm overwhelmed.

I feel like burying my head in the sand.  Work is so busy.  I have a bunch of church obligations in the next week.  It was my daughter's birthday Tuesday and she's having her friends over Saturday night.  My other daughter has two soccer games this weekend.  She had a dance recital this morning at 8:00 AM.

I hate complaining in my blog.  You guys are always so sweet and your comments really make me feel better, but then I feel bad for burdening you.  I know you all have your own problems and issues.  Sometimes you've contacted me by email or sent me something to cheer me up and I feel even worse for bothering you.  I have written before about my "shit or get off the pot" mindset when it comes to complaints.  I expect myself to either do something differently or quit complaining about things.  But I also feel bad for not blogging.  It helps me to process what's going on. So here you go - This is me today.  I'm carrying the watermelon into the BBQ and feeling embarrassed and overwhelmed.         

23 comments:

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

Oh Amanda, I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now. I hope things calm down and that people quit calling you. Hang in there!

Bandita Senorita said...

:( Hang in there, Amanda!

Leslie said...

Sometimes you just have to blog to get out of the funk. I find that helps me most of the time.

I hope that things start to look up for you!

CHRISTINE said...

who would not love a watermelon even on the wrong day? Hope thing get better.

-Grace- said...

I have the same fears around social events. The watermelon story really reminded me of things I've done/felt in the past.

Cat's Chic Chat said...

I really despise talking on the phone. It would definately annoy me too that people were calling especially after you emailed them to begin with.

What is really terrible is that due to the fair housing that you cannot actually make a choice of who you want living in your income property. I am glad though that you were able to get renters though. As corny as this sounds, try to keep your head up, this too shall pass. PS - I'm SO not a stalker, but I have read your blog from your band date to current. I love your writing.

Justawallflower said...

Oh my goodness, I have the same issues with my social anxieties. I have conversations in my mind about having the wrong day, or wearing something completely inappropriate or something else completely irrational. So sorry you have so much stressing you out right now. I to relate with people calling me! Even my own friends sometimes. I find myself questioning why they didn't just send an email or something. But honestly, most of my friends are completely unaware of how bad I am. I have only recently started being so open about it.

Anyway, again, I hope all works out for you!

Molly Naughton said...

I love Christine's comment...I would LOVE a watermelon, even on the wrong day. Amanda, love, don't be too hard on yourself.

Lonicera said...

Not a burden at all - you must never think that. I so hate the tyrany of the mobile phone, while acknowledging its life saving possibilities, that I rarely have it switched on. I only use it to make calls, or to receive them by pre-arrangement. If you need it for your work, couldn't you get a cheap pay as you go phone (i.e. a second one) which only your work knows the number of??? I have a pay-as-you-go Skype phone which costs me very little.
Anyway, don't worry - bloggers are there to support you when you're down, and you clearly have too much on your plate at the moment. But as other commenters have said, it WILL pass... Look how far you've come already!
Caroline

Rachel said...

You should never feel guilty for venting because you AMANDA are a great virtual comforter and friend. I, like many others, have been the recipient of your support. Vent away...that is what blogging is all about.

~Lisa~ said...

(((hugggssssssssssss))) to you... I keep my phone on mute when I don't want to speak with anyone.. And as far as the insurance geek is concerned, I would (in very clear and exact language) tell him that all correspondence will be done through email - not on the phone.

I'm thinking about you, Hun.. I hope it gets better soon...

Sarah G said...

My first thought on your watermelon title was that it was a Dirty Dancing reference so I giggled.

http://www.80stees.com/products/Baby-Watermelon-Dirty-Dancing-T-shirt.asp

I have phone anxiety too, I understand where you're coming from! Hang in there!

Lyla said...

I hate talking on the phone too. My phone message says don't leave a message, email me :)

I'm sending destressing vibes your way.

Something About Kellie said...

You are never a burden! I hope the tenant works out well :)

Dizzy Girl said...

Girl please. People don't have to read it if they think it's a "burden". Get it out- it's your blog- it's what it is here for!!!

I get the social anxiety thing; completely. Mine isn't horrible either but it still makes me stop from doing things sometimes and that sucks. You'll get through this little rough patch babe- just hang on.

xo-

D

Kenda said...

My dear friend. You are so awesome!! You never need to worry about being a burden to me. You know, I hope, that I am ALWAYS available with a willing and listening ear! If you don't want to talk on the phone then you darn well better message me! As for people always being so nice and caring... darlin, would you prefer us to be snippy and bitchy when you are in need of comfort and care?!?! You know I can if that's what you want... I've found that generally that reaction doesn't help a person to feel better though. I agree with everyone who has posted. You have always been a wonderful support and a source of comfort. Allow us to return the love. My prayers are sent up for you. Love you lougher!!!

Kiwigirl said...

A problem shared is a problem halved. The reason we all write and read our blogs is to share our successes and our issues (and let's be honest, we all have them!). You have been very supportive to many of us, and we are happy to do the same for you when you need it. I don't know anyone who doesn't like watermelons, so come on over anytime!

I'm Listening! said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
I'm Listening! said...

I have always viewed the Bearer of the Watermelon as royalty at BBQ's. Maybe it's just me?
I think you should tell your fella that he needs to focus his scrutiny on the leaking roof.
Venting is what blogging is all about...unless it's my blog which is just nonsense!

susieq4givn said...

I am sorry your going thru a rough spot...seems like alot of us are lately. I also don't like talking on the phone, I do it all day for work, so when I am off work I prefer to text or email...its so much easier to deal with. I hope things get better for you, and good for you for venting what your going thru...it helps!

Stephanie said...

You're never alone here...Vent away if it helps you de-stress. I can relate to your watermelon story. When i was the same age I had a huge fear of ordering my own meal in a restaurant (the register at mcDonalds) because I was scared they would yell at me if I messed up. Gee, I wonder where I got that fear from mom and dad? You will work through it, hon, and come out a stronger woman!

MandaPanda said...

Never feel bad about complaining on your blog. It's what it's there for! I complain all the time and I'd like to think people still like me.

It sucks that things are so overwhelming right now. Try to stay focused on the positive. Your girls are active, social people which makes your calendar more hectic but makes them good people.

You have a renter for your duplex. Your first choice, maybe not but it's extra income.

And incidentally, I LOVE watermelon!

Read said...

I have the same "shit or get off the pot" thoughts about myself, and I'm working hard and not letting that censoring what I blog (with varying degrees of success). In my head I know that the blog is mine. It's for me. So if I want to vent to the airwaves - well so be it. I'm doing it for my own sanity. It helps me. It's not there to please or hurt others. It's there to help me.

I work on believing that every day and I hope you will as well. Because I read this and I think - oh man, vent away. It's no burden at all. None of us are compelled to post, we're not compelled to read even. We do because we care and also because we might get something from you - whether the post is full of fireworks and cartwheels or poop and dregs - that will speak to us.

You're not alone and I'm very, very glad you posted and hope you'll do it more often.