I gained

I'm up .4 lbs. (.18 kg.) this morning.  This is not my first gain, but it is the first one I've honestly deserved.  I mainly attribute it to the Easter candy and to eating three meals in a restaurant.  I'm not too upset about it.

Actually the knowledge that I've lived the last 15 months of my life without a bunch of binges and overeating incidents is pretty amazing.  I have certainly had times here and there where I ate things I didn't plan to eat or I've eaten (even overeaten) food in a  compulsive manner, but overall I feel like I have changed my lifestyle to one where food plays a more normal role.  That feels pretty good! 

More than just generally being "good" around food, I think it is the fact that I follow a very realistic plan.  I eat all foods in moderation.  I try to eat "real" food instead of chemically modified sugar-free, fat-free foods.  Nothing is off-limits.  I eat pizza, bread, pasta, rice, dessert, whatever I want.  I don't believe there is any such thing as "good" foods and "bad" foods and I don't think that eating a food that is less than nutritious makes a person "good" or "bad". 

I'd even go so far as to say that when we judge ourselves in that way, we actually set ourselves up for failure and make it more difficult to stop the cycle of overeating, even when we really want to.  We feel badly about ourselves because of our food choices, so we eat and then we feel worse and continue eating.  Unrealistic goals are a part of this too.  We vow to eat below a certain calorie number or exercise so many times or only do liquids or whatever and then when that doesn't work out, we may end up binging.  I remember this cycle all too well from my pre-op days.  I was always disappointed in myself or angry with myself for my food choices.  I didn't understand that NEGATIVE REINFORCEMENT almost never brings about permanent change.  It was only by learning to be kind to myself and be realistic about what I was going to eat that I could end the cycle.

And even though I gained, it wasn't because I was compulsively eating the entire week.  I ate three restaurant meals in 24 hours.  I ate rich foods that I don't normally eat.  I didn't eat as much protein as I need.  I still followed my basic plan of eating small quantities.  I stopped when I'd had enough.  Other than the run-ins with the Easter candy, I think I did a pretty good job.  And the Easter candy part was a learning experience.  I'm not ashamed of it.  I hope I'll do better the next time I'm in a situation like that.  I'm not going to beat myself up over it.

I'm curious how you deal with set-backs?  Also how has your relationship with food changed? 

My weekend in pictures

Caelyn being silly

Bryn - She's like this all the time.

Easter Egg Hunt at church - the weather was SO beautiful!

We had to leave church and head to Caelyn's soccer game.  They tied 0-0 in a very tough game!

Sunday morning.  The weather was very different.  Bryn hunting eggs at our house.

Caelyn finds an egg.

I felt really beautiful in my Easter dress until I saw this picture.  I think I look terrible.  I am thinking it is because my daughter took the photo and she is shorter than me so it is a bad angle. (That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!)

Easter dinner @ my mom's

Caelyn hunting Easter eggs at my moms.  It was wet and cold. 

Matthew and I snuck off after dinner and spent the night at the Oregon coast.  Here's a picture in our room.  We had a lovely view of the river and old town Florence.

Here I am. 

Matthew being silly on the jetty.  We saw sea lions playing in the river channel.

Here we are taking a self-portrait in front of the Pacific Ocean.  It was very windy.

We got back into town in time to pick Bryn up from dance and then drop Caelyn off at dance and then pick her up and take her to soccer practice.  Mondays are our busiest afternoon.  We don't get home until almost 7:00 PM.  Anyway I snapped this photo of a beautiful rainbow above the soccer field.  I usually walk the track during practice.

All in all it was a very nice long weekend.  I did have a little trouble with the Easter candy on Saturday when I was stuffing Easter eggs and again yesterday evening.  I'm not really sure what to say about that.  Overall my food was very good even though we ate in restaurants and had a big family meal at my mom's.  I also got a LOT of extra exercise walking on the beach and walking around antique stores and doing stuff in the hotel room ;)  I guess I'll have to wait and see what the scale has to say about it tomorrow.  I don't normally eat food I don't plan to it so spontaneously shoving candy in my mouth is a bit unsettling, but it is what it is.

I hope you all had a great weekend too!

Happy Good Friday!

The sun is shining and it is a beautiful day here in Eugene, Oregon.  I have a three day weekend coming up and my fella and I are sneaking off to the beach Sunday night.  I got the car's oil changed and I cleaned it out so we are ready!  (This is a side note, but am I the only one who has a car that gets completely trashed?  I mean like it smells like someone died in there and there's garbage and clothing and toys and CRAP that has to be scooped out with a shovel?  Have you ever seen the show Hoarders?  It's like that!)   Anyway, I am looking forward to the weekend.  Tomorrow we have an Easter Egg Hunt at church followed by a soccer game.  In the evening they'll be an Easter vigil service and of course Sunday morning Easter service.  Then Easter dinner at my mom's and off we go to the beach for the night!

I am having a great deal of anxiety about SPENDING MONEY.  Does that ever happen to you?  I'm trying to save money, but it has been ages since the fella and I went anywhere alone (except the grocery store).  My sister pointed out yesterday that I used to EAT to cope with anxiety and now I don't really have an outlet for it.  I have noticed that my anxiety has really increased lately. 

I've been reading blogs this morning and several people are talking about needing a fill.  I had an un-fill a couple of months ago and I now have less than a cc in my 4cc band.  And you know what?  It is just about perfect!  This level of restriction means I can eat whatever I want, but I get full at the appropriate level and must stop.  No foods are off-limits.  I just can't eat too much of anything.  It is PERFECT!  I have noticed that I think about food more than I did before, but so far I am coping with that.  I'm also glad that the acid reflux is under control.  I think I'm a little afraid of getting a fill and having to cope with that again.  I still sometimes can tell that there is stomach acid in my stoma.  I can feel the sloshing and have to burp to feel normal.  It bothers me the most when I try to sleep on my left side.  I am occasionally taking previcid to stop the sloshing.  Has anyone else experienced this?  It is kind of weird!

I still haven't progressed on my roof project.  I got a material price list yesterday.  It will be $3,200 in materials to do the entire roof.  With what the insurance company gave me, I'd only have $1,000 left over to pay my BIL and nephew to do the work.  I asked if it was worth it to them and I haven't heard back yet so I guess I'm just waiting.  Plan B is to hire a roofer to replace the damaged half of the roof.  The money from the insurance company should cover that, but then of course I'd eventually have to replace the other half so this is not the ideal option.  Can you see why I'm stressed about money?  My tenants will be out at the end of the month and the new ones move in (hopefully) the next day.  There are things that could go wrong in that scenario too. 

Anyways...that's what is going on.  I still don't know if my sister is moving away.  Happy Easter!

169 and feelin' fine!

Weighed in this morning and I stayed the same - 169 lbs. (76.7 kg.).  I might have lost a few ounces if I hadn't had popcorn last night after dinner.  Those 100 calorie snack bags of popcorn are my go-to food when I want something to much on.  I made it before I remembered I was supposed to weigh in this morning.  I don't usually eat popcorn the night before a weigh in.  Anyways...maybe I'll get on the scale tomorrow morning just for fun and see if I get a different reading.  I'm actually okay with the scale reading.  It has been bouncing around so much in the last couple of months (down a bit, up a bit, up a bit more, down a bit = no net change), it is kind of nice to see the SAME number week after week. 

I've been drinking water like a mad woman.  I drink cold tap water from my super-cool metal water bottle.  Here's a picture:

Now here's a picture of all the stairs I have to climb to go pee 50 times a day at work:

Here's some reasons I copied from some random website why drinking water is so important:

Top 11 Health Benefits of Drinking Water


You will be amazed of the benefits of drinking water as follow:

1.Lose weight: Drinking water helps you lose weight because it flushes down the by-products of fat breakdown. Drinking water reduces hunger, it’s an effective appetite suppressant so you’ll eat less. Plus, water has zero calories. Here are the further details on how to achieve fat loss by drinking water.

2.Natural Remedy for Headache: Helps to relieve headache and back pains due to dehydration. Although there are many other reasons contribute to headache, dehydration is the common one.

3.Look Younger with Healthier Skin: You’ll look younger when your skin is properly hydrated. Water helps to replenish skin tissues, moisturizes skin and increase skin elasticity.

4.Better Productivity at Work: Your brain is mostly made up of water, thus drinking water helps you think better, be more alert and more concentrate.

5.Better Exercise: Drinking water regulates your body temperature. You’ll feel more energetic when doing exercises and water helps to fuel your muscle.

6.Helps in Digestion and Constipation: Drinking water raises your metabolism because it helps in digestion. Fiber and water goes hand in hand so that you can have your daily bowel movement.

7.Less Cramps and Sprains: Proper hydration helps keep your joints and muscles lubricated, so you’ll less likely get cramps and sprains.

8.Less Likely to Get Sick and Feel Healthy: Drinking plenty of water helps fight against flu and other ailments like kidney stones and heart attack. Water adds with lemon is used for ailments like respiratory disease, intestinal problems, rheumatism and arthritis etc. Another words one of the benefits of drinking water can improve our immune system. Follow this link for further information on how lemon water can improve your health.

9.Relieves Fatigue: Water is used by the body to help flush out toxins and waste products from the body. If your body lacks of water, your heart, for instance, need to work harder to pump out the oxygenated blood to all cells, so are the rest of the vital organs, your organs will be exhausted and so are you.

10.Good Mood: Your body feels very good and that’s why you feel happy.

11.Reduce the Risk of Cancer: Related to the digestive system, some studies show that drinking a healthy amount of water may reduce the risks of bladder cancer and colon cancer. Water dilutes the concentration of cancer-causing agents in the urine and shortens the time in which they are in contact with bladder lining.

It's a bullet kind of day...

• I had a health exam on Saturday and it looks like I'm pretty healthy.  I went to a free clinic so I didn't see someone who knew much about the Lap-band, but they were duly impressed with my progress.  When he palpated my stomach, I had to explain what he was feeling when he came across the port.  It was kind of funny.  My blood pressure was 122/76 which is about as perfect as you can get!  He did say my potassium was slightly low so I'm wondering if any of you have knowledge about that.  I've done some internet research (read: I now know the worse-case scenario for low potassium) and one thing that stood out to me was that it was associated with WLS and could be due to malnutrition.  It can also cause lethargy and I'd have to say that if there was any one thing that I'd complain about health-wise, it is that I am practically always tired even though I get plenty of sleep. Also there were ketones present in my urine which he said is related to dramatic weight-loss.  So please tell me what you guys know about this stuff. 
• My sister/co-worker might be moving away.  Her husband is being aggressively recruited by a company that wants to pay him $40,000 a year MORE than he's making now plus better benefits and a housing allowance.  The catch is they'd have to move to different cities for jobs that last 10 months to a year.  So they're looking at renting out their house and taking their kids out of school.  It is weird to think about them not being here.  Our lives are so intertwined.  I really cannot even imagine it.  I think it would be a great opportunity for them, but it would be very sad for me.
• I really need to figure out what I'm doing with my roof.  I do not usually have issues with indecision and getting things done, but I'm having trouble getting a plan going.  The question is if I should just hire someone to repair the damaged places (basically one half of the roof) or if I should try to do the entire job.  I have a few people who I think would help, but I need to talk to them.  I hate asking people to do things for me.
• It is SUNNY!!  After weeks and weeks of grey skies and rain every day, (Seriously - it rained EVERY single day in March.  They wrote about it in the newspaper.  You must know that when they are writing articles about rain in OREGON, it is really, really wet.) we are now enjoying blue skies and sun for at least the next several days.  I'm really affected by the weather, mood-wise and am SO HAPPY to see the sun!  I just wish it would warm up 'cuz it is COLD!  Our low was 38 F. (3 C.) and the high is just 58 F. (14 C.). 
• I feel really disconnected from Blogland these days.
• I weigh-in on Wednesday and I don't know what to expect.  I've been eating fine, but the scale has been so random the last couple of months that I am afraid of what I'll see there.
• My daughter had a sleep-over birthday party Saturday night and we had eight extra little girls in the house.  I don't feel like I had much of a weekend.
• Easter is Sunday.  This is Holy Week.  We'll be at church A LOT this week.
• My fella and I are going to sneak off to the beach on Sunday night.  I love where we live.  We are one hour from the Pacific Ocean, one hour from several ski resorts, 20 minutes from several great forest-y places for hiking, 5 minutes from the Willamette River.  Oregon is a beautiful place (other than the months and months of rain)!
• That last point has inspired me to include some pictures of Eugene, Oregon so you can get a feel for our city. 

Autzen Stadium - The home field of the University of Oregon Ducks.  I can see the outside of Autzen stadium from one of my two offices.

The Matthew Knight arena (Why yes, Nike founder Phil Knight does contribute a lot of money to UO athletics.  Why do you ask?).  This is where the basketball teams play.  My campus office is right across the street from this arena.

My girls on the bridge over the Willamette River

My kids meeting a harbor seal in Florence, Oregon

Carrying a watermelon into the BBQ

I haven't posted for awhile.  A lot is going on.  I am overwhelmed and stressed out.  I don't know how to talk about my worries so I haven't posted.  Yesterday I felt like I was going to explode for a variety of reasons, but one of the things that kept setting me off was that people were calling my cell phone.

I know I'm not the only one in Blogland who suffers from social phobia.  I consider mine to be pretty minor in comparison to others who've shared their experiences.  But my issues still get in my way sometimes, especially when I'm already overwhelmed. 

I have been dealing with the insurance company about my roof and that's been fine, but it really irritates me that the agent insists on calling me on my cell phone in response to my email.  If I email you, you should email me back.  Don't call.  Don't stop by.  Click "reply".  It is really simple.  Because I cannot cope with speaking to you right now.  When I am overwhelmed, it helps to have email to refer back to for details of our conversations.

I have a new tenant lined up for my duplex.  I live in half and rent the other half out.  So in addition to picking out my tenant, I'm also picking out my neighbor.  It is overwhelming.  My fella isn't happy with my choice.  I say choice, but really fair housing laws don't permit me to "chose" someone.  I have to accept the first qualified applicant, even if they aren't my first choice.  So now if there are any problems, I'll never hear the end of it from the fella.  Great.  I also told my new tenant not to call my cell phone and to call my office or the property manager.  She "stalker called" me three times in a row and didn't leave a message.  I was driving and am prohibited by law from answering my cell phone. Annoying.

You are probably wondering about the title of this post.  It refers to my first memory of my social phobia.  We went to my best friend's family's house for a BBQ.  My mom gave me a watermelon to carry in.  I was about six and the idea of walking up to the door while holding a watermelon petrified me.  I was afraid they'd answer the door and say, "Why are you bringing a watermelon?".  What if we had the wrong day?  It was irrational, but I often have those overwhelming feelings when I must deal with people or answer the phone.  And it gets worse when I'm overwhelmed.

I feel like burying my head in the sand.  Work is so busy.  I have a bunch of church obligations in the next week.  It was my daughter's birthday Tuesday and she's having her friends over Saturday night.  My other daughter has two soccer games this weekend.  She had a dance recital this morning at 8:00 AM.

I hate complaining in my blog.  You guys are always so sweet and your comments really make me feel better, but then I feel bad for burdening you.  I know you all have your own problems and issues.  Sometimes you've contacted me by email or sent me something to cheer me up and I feel even worse for bothering you.  I have written before about my "shit or get off the pot" mindset when it comes to complaints.  I expect myself to either do something differently or quit complaining about things.  But I also feel bad for not blogging.  It helps me to process what's going on. So here you go - This is me today.  I'm carrying the watermelon into the BBQ and feeling embarrassed and overwhelmed.         

Dear Cadbury Creme Eggs, I love you!

Dear Cadbury Creme Eggs, I love you...

...maybe a little too much!

This is my new go-to weekend dessert, at least until Easter.  One of the ways I keep my calories in check is by restricting my desserts to weekends only.  I eat a carefully measured serving each day of the weekend and I chose something I really, really love.  Right now I'm having a little affair with these delicious babies!

Feeling Bandtastic

First of all, what a great blog name!  Feeling Bandtastic was recently banded and could use some support.  Stop by and tell her Amanda sent you.

111

I've lost 111 lbs. (50.3 kg.).  I have finally made it out of the 170's and now weigh 169 lbs. (76.7 kg.).  Isn't 111 a great number?  It is almost magical with all those ones!

My BMI is 25.7.  I am 6 lbs. (2.7 kg.) from a "normal" BMI. 

I was in the 170's since December 17, 2010.  That's almost 4 months.  At that rate, it will take me a good long time to lose those 6 lbs.

I can't describe how frustrating it has been to weigh in and see the scale going up, going down, staying the same week after week.  I think the most disappointing thing about it is that I always thought that I'd be able to add some calories to my maintenance diet, but it is looking like my current diet is very close to a maintenance diet so that probably won't happen.  I am eating the same way I've been eating through this entire process and my caloric intake has stayed pretty consistent most of the time.  50 lbs. ago I was losing 1-2 lbs. a week every week.  I never had unexplained gains.  I began to rely on the consistency.  Now I feel like I don't know what to expect and it is unsettling.  Last night I was so stressed about weighing myself this morning that I ate a bunch of toffee covered peanuts that I didn't plan to have and I woke up in the middle of the night and lay there worrying for 45 minutes.

I thought by this stage in the game I'd be less neurotic about my weight.

But really I am feeling pretty good about where I'm at.  I'm happy to finally be out of the 170's.  Other than my mini-peanut binge last night, I'm feeling good about my food.  

So I am sending you 111 happy Wednesdays!  Have a wonderful day!       

New blogger

Chic Chat was just banded a couple of weeks ago and could use some support!  She's already lost 15 lbs. and is back to work.  Tell her Amanda sent you!

There's so much going on!

I don't know where to begin!  Life has been having its way with me.  I am doing my best to hang on.  Work is busy.  My tenants are moving out of my rental property.  I'm afraid of the scale.  I still haven't started on my roof.  My youngest daughter's birthday is NEXT week and I have planned NOTHING.

I've barely blogged.  I've barely read blogs.  If I am reading, I should be doing other things.  My house looks like a bomb went off.

Remember how I was all excited last week about exercising a bunch extra?  Well, Matthew fixed his car (after being parked about 15 months) and so now I'm just doing my "normal" exercise.  I feel like a slug.  Yesterday I had a meeting at church and I thought about riding my bike, but I decided against it.  It was raining...excuse, excuse.  I was a slug.  Yes, I'm still walking every morning and riding my bike to work twice a week, but I pretty much quit doing all the extra stuff.

I'm afraid of the scale.  Like irrationally afraid.  I've lost weight consistently following the same food plan I am following, but for the last month my weight has bounced around.  Last week I was down slightly, but I'm afraid to get on the scale tomorrow.  I hate that it still has so much power over me.

My tenants are moving out.  I am trying not to freak out.  I need to get it re-rented very quickly.  Ack!  Please say a little prayer that I get great tenants/neighbors (I live next door).  I can't afford to lose any rent or spend a bunch of money on repairs and renovations.  

Work is getting crazy.  Stupid job.  Why can't I be paid to read and write blogs all day?  I'd be perfect for that job!  Allergan?  Are you reading this?  I have your product installed in me and I've lost all my extra weight?  Hire me to read and write blogs!

Okay...I better get back to work!