I had a weird night yesterday. I had tofu and rice for dinner and was promptly stuck. I PBed and I guess I was sort of feeling sorry for myself because I decided to eat more. Oddly I kept that down fine, but I was eating in that old out-of-control manner where I just wanted to eat as much as I could before I stopped myself. I've only had a few such incidents since I was banded. Calorie-wise I probably was fine. A little more than normal, but nothing crazy. Still, it is a reminder that I need to be wary of my eating behaviors. I can't assume that I have my problem with food solved for good. It wouldn't be hard to go back to the former binge-overeating behaviors that used to be my norm.
The feeling sorry for myself element was strange too. I've felt it before when I PBed or was stuck. The feeling is something like, "Why does my eating have to be restricted? Why can't I just eat what I want like a normal person?". The funny thing is that I really like eating the way I do and I usually feel like a "normal" eater, whatever that is. But when I'm two or three bites into something I really want and feel that, "Oh, $hit! This isn't going down right." feeling, there's definitely some sadness.
Most of the time I feel like I'm not doing anything special to lose weight. I try to eat only when I'm hungry. The band tells me when to stop. I try to eat healthy food since I eat so much less than I used to, I want to get the greatest nutritional value possible. But I still eat so-called "junk" food sometimes. The biggest difference is that I refuse to feel bad about it. If I chose chips or sweets, I also chose to enjoy them.
But I am doing something special - I'm choosing not to eat with that old frenzied sense of trying to stuff as much down my throat as I can before my brain starts screaming at me to knock it off.