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Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I had a weird night yesterday.  I had tofu and rice for dinner and was promptly stuck.  I PBed and I guess I was sort of feeling sorry for myself because I decided to eat more.  Oddly I kept that down fine, but I was eating in that old out-of-control manner where I just wanted to eat as much as I could before I stopped myself.  I've only had a few such incidents since I was banded.  Calorie-wise I probably was fine.  A little more than normal, but nothing crazy.  Still, it is a reminder that I need to be wary of my eating behaviors.  I can't assume that I have my problem with food solved for good.  It wouldn't be hard to go back to the former binge-overeating behaviors that used to be my norm. 

The feeling sorry for myself element was strange too.  I've felt it before when I PBed or was stuck.  The feeling is something like, "Why does my eating have to be restricted?  Why can't I just eat what I want like a normal person?".  The funny thing is that I really like eating the way I do and I usually feel like a "normal" eater, whatever that is.  But when I'm two or three bites into something I really want and feel that, "Oh, $hit! This isn't going down right." feeling, there's definitely some sadness.   

Most of the time I feel like I'm not doing anything special to lose weight.  I try to eat only when I'm hungry.  The band tells me when to stop.  I try to eat healthy food since I eat so much less than I used to, I want to get the greatest nutritional value possible.  But I still eat so-called "junk" food sometimes.  The biggest difference is that I refuse to feel bad about it.  If I chose chips or sweets, I also chose to enjoy them. 

But I am doing something special - I'm choosing not to eat with that old frenzied sense of trying to stuff as much down my throat as I can before my brain starts screaming at me to knock it off. 


Mary H. said...

I did the same thing on Sunday...Weekends are hard for me because I lack my usual M-F structure. Sunday I caught myself grazing...I would eat a piece of cheese....a few of those tiny pickles...some olives...a few crackers...a laughing cow...a NSA icecream... that was my "lunch" you said, it probably wasn't killing me calorie-wise, but it was an old that I don't want to come back to.

Heather said...

Sometimes I feel the sadness too. I understand that it is going to be impossible for me to go wild and have a good binge and I love that fact. Like my tiny drill sargeant whom I can't hide from, but there are times that I would love to eat a lovely yeast roll and not worry.

Christine said...

Ugh. If you figure out the magic formula of stopping the out of control eating when you're in some kind of emotional tizzy, let me know, mmkay? I'm still trying to figure that one out.