I have a real hard time spending money on myself. A really hard time. Almost all of my clothes are purchased with gift cards I get for my birthday or Christmas. I only have three pairs of pants. Until Friday of last week ALL of my shoes had holes in them except a pair of rubber rain boots.
I think of myself as frugal. I have lived on a tight budget for so long that I know that if there is something that we need, I have to plan and save to make it happen. And there's always something that we need. Kids need new coats, new shoes, soccer gear, summer camp, new clothes. The list goes on and on. The things that I need almost never make it to the top of the list. Take the shoe example - I bought new tennis shoes (with a gift card) in September, but they got holes in them in December (stupid crappy shoes). So I started wearing my old tennis shoes again. They were in okay shape, but they were starting to get holes in the insoles and a small hole in the top. My dress shoes also had holes in the insoles and were no longer water proof. So I just didn't wear them in the rain. I wore my ugly rain boots and changed my shoes when I got to wherever I was going. I was chatting with some friends from church about it last week. After we talked I walked home (I walk to church whenever I can because it is only a mile from my house and don't get me started on gas prices). I got a blister on the bottom of my foot from where the hole in the insole was rubbing against my skin. So yes, I could no longer deny that I needed new shoes.
Luckily I found a deal at Costco. I got a cute pair of Fila tennis shoes for $19.99.
But why was I walking around with holes in my shoes? Yes, I have to be careful with money, but could I really not afford to get some shoes that didn't have holes in them? I don't know.
So maybe instead of being frugal I am really cheap, at least when it comes to buying myself things.
This is a really long post to get me to the point where I say this: I am getting a fill tomorrow. It will cost $190. I hate that I am spending $190 on a fill and I keep trying to convince myself that I don't need it, I don't want it, I can get by without it. But I have really been struggling with trying to lose the 7 pounds I have gained. Even though my food has been back under control after a short Christmas deviation, the extra weight hasn't come off. And I am starting to feel really bad about myself. I'm starting to say horrible things to myself in my head. I have binged because I am trying to diet and for every diet there is an equal and opposite binge, at least for me. And then I had this thought this morning:
I have a Lap-band. One of the reasons I paid over $6,000 for the stupid thing was for situations JUST LIKE THE ONE I AM EXPERIENCING. The Lap-band is "rechargeable". I can get a fill and it will work better.
So I called my fill doc and am going in tomorrow. I will be spending $190 on the fill and it will help me to end the cycle that I am on right now. I am not going to try to do this on my own. I know that won't work, which is another reason that I got the Lap-band.
You know, for a pretty smart person, I can be really dumb sometimes!