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Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Well, duh!

I have a real hard time spending money on myself.  A really hard time.  Almost all of my clothes are purchased with gift cards I get for my birthday or Christmas.  I only have three pairs of pants.  Until Friday of last week ALL of my shoes had holes in them except a pair of rubber rain boots.

I think of myself as frugal.  I have lived on a tight budget for so long that I know that if there is something that we need, I have to plan and save to make it happen.  And there's always something that we need.  Kids need new coats, new shoes, soccer gear, summer camp, new clothes.  The list goes on and on.  The things that I need almost never make it to the top of the list.  Take the shoe example - I bought new tennis shoes (with a gift card) in September, but they got holes in them in December (stupid crappy shoes).  So I started wearing my old tennis shoes again.  They were in okay shape, but they were starting to get holes in the insoles and a small hole in the top.  My dress shoes also had holes in the insoles and were no longer water proof.  So I just didn't wear them in the rain.  I wore my ugly rain boots and changed my shoes when I got to wherever I was going.  I was chatting with some friends from church about it last week.  After we talked I walked home (I walk to church whenever I can because it is only a mile from my house and don't get me started on gas prices).   I got a blister on the bottom of my foot from where the hole in the insole was rubbing against my skin.  So yes, I could no longer deny that I needed new shoes.

Luckily I found a deal at Costco.  I got a cute pair of Fila tennis shoes for $19.99.

But why was I walking around with holes in my shoes?  Yes, I have to be careful with money, but could I really not afford to get some shoes that didn't have holes in them?  I don't know. 

So maybe instead of being frugal I am really cheap, at least when it comes to buying myself things. 

This is a really long post to get me to the point where I say this: I am getting a fill tomorrow.  It will cost $190.  I hate that I am spending $190 on a fill and I keep trying to convince myself that I don't need it, I don't want it, I can get by without it.  But I have really been struggling with trying to lose the 7 pounds I have gained.  Even though my food has been back under control after a short Christmas deviation, the extra weight hasn't come off.  And I am starting to feel really bad about myself.  I'm starting to say horrible things to myself in my head.  I have binged because I am trying to diet and for every diet there is an equal and opposite binge, at least for me.  And then I had this thought this morning:

Well, duh!

I have a Lap-band.  One of the reasons I paid over $6,000 for the stupid thing was for situations JUST LIKE THE ONE I AM EXPERIENCING.  The Lap-band is "rechargeable".  I can get a fill and it will work better.

Well, duh!

So I called my fill doc and am going in tomorrow.  I will be spending $190 on the fill and it will help me to end the cycle that I am on right now.  I am not going to try to do this on my own.  I know that won't work, which is another reason that I got the Lap-band.

You know, for a pretty smart person, I can be really dumb sometimes!

7 comments:

Dawnya said...

I'm glad your going for the fill. You are doing what needs to be done.

No more holey shoes ma'am.

Sam said...

Glad to see you are getting the fill you obviously need, and now you just need to remember hat shoes that are not holey, can also help you, you will be able to walk a lot more if you don't give yourself blisters :o)

Robyn's Nest said...

Amanda,
You are a very, very beautiful person. You need to take care of yourself too. I don't mean make everyone suffer so you can go wild; I just mean that you have needs too and you are the one working your butt off.
Get the fill, another pair of shoes, and pair of pants and a few shirts. Go to the Salvation Army and you can go crazy on a very limited budget and help out a charity too.

Cat said...

Good for you girl. There has to be some room in the budget to respond to your needs too. Also as Robyn said, try thrifting. You'll love the bargains you can get as long as you don't mind gently used. It's a blast to get like 10-12 things for less than 40 bucks!

Darlin1 said...

I am so proud of you Amanda!!

XO

Janice said...

Yes, a fill is an investment in yourself. Look at the money you are saving on food since banding. Take care of yourself...you provide for everyone else. Hang in there and good luck with your fill!

Ronnie said...

Glad you bought yourself some shoes, if I had known you were walking around in holey ones... I woulda tried to convince you to do that sooner!

Also, hope the fill went well. :)