Amanda's Waning

Reading List Maintenance

2012-02-15T11:29:00.000-08:00

A while ago I discovered that I'd exceeded the number of blogs that I could follow, at least according to Blogger. If you're curious, they allow you to follow 300 blogs. It is kind of irritating to see that I have a new follower and go to their page and discover that I couldn't follow them back. So before I forget, if you are following me and I am not following you, please leave your blog address in my comments.

So I started the process of reviewing all of the blogs that I am following. I'm only on the D's. Sigh. I noticed some stupid things about Blogger. #1 - If a blog no longer exists, I cannot "de-follow" it. Stupid. #2 - If a blog has been made private, I have to send an email or some other BS and ask to be allowed to stop following the blog. Also stupid. Or maybe I'm the stupid one. It is possible that I am doing it wrong, especially when you consider that it took me a really long time to figure out why I couldn't add more blogs to my reading list and an even longer time to learn how to stop following blogs. If you have any tips, I'd appreciate them.

What I really wanted to post about, however, is how it feels to stop following a blog. Sometimes I chose to stop following because they haven't posted in six months or two years. In those cases, their last post was usually something like, "I can't believe how long it has been since I posted! I am a bad blogger!" (Ya think?) Sometimes the last post was more like, "I am really struggling and need help." (How did that end?) A couple last posts were, "I had a horrible stuck episode" which left me wondering if they never recovered. (Can that happen?). I know blogging isn't for everyone, but as I glanced at the blogs and the last posts of people who had stopped blogging for whatever reason, I felt sad and wished I knew that things were going well for them.

Then there were blogs that I really wanted to stop following. People whose blogs I never read because something about them irritated me or we just didn't jive for whatever reason. A few of the blogs I was following were people who had not had WLS. They were trying to lose weight through WW or some other method. When I've read their blog posts, they usually sound like things I could have written a few years ago. ("Everything is great. I'm following the diet 100%. I rock!" Followed by, "I slipped up. I'm going to start again." And then, "I suck. I hate myself.") It isn't that I can't relate or don't empathize with their situation that caused me to de-follow them. It is more that I spent too much of my life on THAT particular treadmill and I just don't have the energy to do it again.

There were also a couple of blogs (okay maybe just one) that I wanted to un-follow, but I didn't. At some point the blogger said something that hurt my feelings. In general I like her blog and can relate to many of the things she talks about, but I can't get past the hurt. Dumb, right?

And remember, I'm just on the D's!

Happy Valentine's Day!

2012-02-14T10:09:00.000-08:00

One of the coolest things about being two years post-op (as of this past Sunday) and being at goal is that every so often, someone acts as if I know a thing or two about weight loss. I can't lie; it strokes my ego a bit! Here in Blogland, there is no bigger honor than being featured in the Band Superstars blog. (The second biggest honor, IMHO, is having Amy W. or Band Groupie comment on something I've written). I am the February superstar, which is amazing and very flattering. Thank you, Sandra, for thinking of me and for all of your efforts to keep the Superstar blog going! You can read all about me right here.

Life-changer!

2012-02-13T16:17:00.000-08:00

Two years ago yesterday marks the day I took control of my eating and my life and had Lap-band weight loss surgery. It feels like a life-time ago. I feel like a different person. I know I look different on the outside, which is what I originally thought mattered the most, but what I have come to appreciate is how this surgery changed me on the inside.

Surgery does a pretty good job with the physical part of obesity. The mental stuff is much harder. Surgery cannot make us make good food choices or force us to exercise or slap the third cookie out of our hand. In all the years that I struggled with food, I wanted to be thin, but I didn't want to give up binging and overeating. I wanted my cake and to eat it too. Literally.


Proverbial Cake

And then I had weight loss surgery and I realized that what I really wanted was to be healthy. I quit beating myself up and trying to shame myself into making good choices. Shame, as it turns out, isn't a great motivator unless you're trying to create resentment and hostility. I also realized that I could still eat the foods I loved. Getting and being healthy is not about deprivation.

I have learned so much in the last two years and you guys have been a huge part of my success. You've given me a sounding board. You've listened and supported and encouraged. I know I wouldn't have been so successful without you and I am eternally grateful!

Hiya!

2012-02-08T12:00:00.000-08:00

Man, I am still dealing with those 6-7 lbs. I gained over the holidays. I got my eating behavior under control pretty quickly, but I am really eating a maintenance diet at the moment and I need to be eating a weight-loss diet. I am tracking my food and doing all the right things, except I need to drop my calories down by about 200-300 per day.

And I don't want to!

I like eating the way I'm eating, but I'm not so crazy about those extra pounds!

I've been hoping they'd drop off by magic, but I guess that's not going to happen. So...

I guess I better decide if I'm happy with where I'm at or if I want to lose those extra EL BEES.

And then I'd better do it.

Putting Shit Off

2012-01-24T13:23:00.000-08:00

I have stuff to do at work and I'm not doing it. I've been playing games, checking Facebook and now reading (and writing) blog posts. I swear I'm not a procrastinator. The problem is that there is an email in my in basket that I am afraid to read. I know I need to open it, but I can't and the anxiety is sending me into fits.

I used to eat when I was anxious. I did it so much that I didn't even know I had an anxiety issue until I quit binging over it.

I know that there are drugs for what I am experiencing, but I don't have health insurance or even a doctor that I see. It would be a major expense to try to get help right now. When my bills are paid this week, I will have $175.52 left over for groceries and anything else my family of four needs. I do have some cash I've been squirreling away that will go for food because $175.52 will NOT get us through two weeks. It just won't.

My last two weekends have been less-than relaxing due to my reacting badly to stress. The first weekend because I saw this financial hurdle coming up and was preemptively stressed out. This last weekend I had to deal with the person who's email I am avoiding today.

My brain gets stuck in a loop of conversation going over and over about the issue I'm anxious about. I try to direct my thoughts elsewhere, but they always drift back. I can distract myself with a book or a TV show or writing a blog post for a little while. As you can imagine, it interferes with my sleep sometimes. I even took Tylenol PM over the weekend. It didn't help Friday night, but it helped Saturday and Sunday. I didn't take any last night and I slept okay. But now I've got that fucking email that I need to open. Ugh!

Paula Deen...Who Cares?

2012-01-19T11:59:00.000-08:00

I'm sure there have been many posts written about Paula Deen's big diabetes news. I haven't had much of a chance to read blogs so I don't know for sure, but a radio show I listen to had a whole segment devoted to talking about it. My initial thought was that I didn't really care. I've never watched a Paula Deen show and I really don't know much about her. But the radio show made some interesting points so it has been on my mind.

There seems to be a lot of fuss about how she's had diabetes for a couple of years without saying anything. Now she's been hired as a spokesperson for a pharmaceutical company and is suddenly going to be role model for people with diabetes who need to change their lifestyle. People are criticizing the fact that she has made her brand based on Southern home-cooking with lots of real butter and real sugar and all sorts of other fattening ingredients.

I must admit that I don't think much of her not saying something sooner. I'm also not real impressed by endorsing drugs for a pharmaceutical company. But I must admit that I am feeling a bit defensive about the criticism about using "real" food ingredients in her cooking. I happen to agree that real butter, real cream, full-fat cheeses and real sugar have their place in a healthy diet.

I am very suspicious of foods that are made of chemicals and are artificially created. Margarine is one of those foods for me. It is made of refined vegetable oil. Foods sweetened with artificial sweeteners are also suspect. I believe sugar is healthier and there's research to back that up. As far as full-fat (rather than non-fat or reduced fat) foods, especially dairy products, I think they just taste and cook better and are much more satisfying. I can use and be satisfied with a dollop of real sour cream or butter.

I do occasionally eat or drink things that contain artificial ingredients. My kids love squeeze cheese and I usually buy it when we go camping or on a special trip as a snack. I don't consider squeeze cheese to be real food, but I eat it a couple of times a year. I used to drink diet soda, but I quit because the carbonation bothered me. I will now occasionally drink iced green tea sweetened with Splenda.

So the question is, should we criticize someone with diabetes for doing a cooking show where these natural ingredients are used? Can't diabetics eat a healthy diet of all foods in moderation like the rest of us are supposed to be doing? I think they can!

So say what you want about Paul Deen, but don't criticize her for cooking with butter instead of artificially created and modified chemicals disguised as "food".

Wish me luck!

2012-01-16T16:38:00.001-08:00

I have an important meeting tonight about managing a new property. I really hope I get it! Wish me luck!

Balancing Act

2012-01-11T10:23:00.000-08:00

How's your balance? No, I don't mean the kind of balance that is required to do the grasshopper pose in yoga.

I'm talking about the balance in your life between work, family, relationships, food, personal time, spirit, and exercise.

Oh, that balance.

I have learned that when my life is out of balance, it gets really messed up, really fast. There are two prime areas where I struggle: work and food.

I am the daughter of a workaholic. My father ran a small business while I was growing up. He ran it out of our house initially. He was a contractor. He worked a lot. When he got home from work, he would go up to his office and do paperwork and make phone calls to schedule jobs for the following day. I am lucky that my mom was a stay-at-home mom and could provide the hands-on parenting that we needed. In that regard they made a good, balanced team. But I could easily be a workaholic myself. I've always had jobs that didn't end when the work day was over. Now I have a full-time job plus I have my own small business. I often work on weekends and evenings. I always have my phone and am checking email and texting with clients. I work at balancing my work life, but do you know what's hardest for me? When I'm not working. I always think I want more free time and wish that I wasn't as busy as I am, but I have the hardest time keeping my head when I lack the structure of my job. During my vacation after Christmas, I had a hard time with the down time.

But this is a blog about weight loss and having an-out-of-balance relationship with food is something I know quite a bit about. To me either end of the food/weight spectrum is a problem that represents a lack of balance in my relationship with food. If I am compulsively counting calories, weighing myself obsessively and exercising like a maniac (you know, dieting) then I am out of balance. If I throw my hands in the air and eat everything that doesn't eat me first, I'm out of balance. Either extreme is a problem for me.

One of the reasons that I ended up fat is that every time I decided to "do something" about my weight problem and screwed up relationship with food, I ended up back on the extreme dieting end of the spectrum. I believed that this was the behavior that would lead me to freedom from weight issues and freedom from the general nuttiness in my brain when it came to food. But because this approach lacks the balance that is required for a good, healthy life, it was doomed to fail.

Now please don't think that I'm all balanced and serene. If you've followed my blog for any length of time, you know that I am not. But I'm working on it because I know that it is important. I believe it is the key to a normal, healthy life.

So how's your balance today?

I own my choices

2012-01-05T13:24:00.000-08:00

I chose to spend the week from December 28th through January 2nd pigging out. I did it because I was making myself crazy (Don't believe me? Read my last posts before Christmas. Coo coo, I tell you) and I knew just giving myself permission to eat would quiet the craziness. And you know what? It did, at least for a while. I ate what I felt like eating. I didn't shame myself. I enjoyed my food. I stopped freaking out about every food choice.

But here's the deal, that sort of "relief" brings its own set of problems. I gained three more pounds in that week. Remember how freaked out I was about the original three pounds that I spent about four weeks gaining? Well now they have three more new friends! I am up six pounds over the holidays! FAN-FREAKIN'-TASTIC!

But I own my choices. I made them. No one forced me to make bad choices.

I don't need to go on a diet. I don't need to start a liquid fast. I don't need the latest miracle pill, cream, exercise craze, or diet book.

What I do need is to quit eating between meals. I need to log my food, at least for awhile. I need to avoid snacks after dinner (which is pretty much the same thing as not eating between meals, but I guess I need to say it both ways). I need to focus on getting in my protein first and making nutritional food choices most of the time. I need to limit sweets to a single serving on weekends. I need to continue exercising and drinking lots of water, two things that I have been doing well this whole time.

I may get a fill if things don't improve. I'm so glad I have this amazing tool that can be "recharged"! Although I have noticed that I have been PBing a lot lately, I think it has more to do with overeating and poor food choices than being too tight.

And someone commented that maybe I should see a therapist. I thought you guys were my therapists? No? Well, that probably isn't a bad idea, but I have done therapy many times and I don't really want to do that right now (Not to mention that I don't have health insurance or extra cash for that sort of thing). So we'll see! Really I feel like I'm back on track already so I'm not too worried. I just wanted to publicly own the gain and my choices. Thanks for listening!

Vote for Pedro!

2012-01-05T09:14:00.000-08:00

I mean my dear real-life friend, Kenda! She's entered a contest to win some exercise equipment and she sure deserves it. She graduated college last year and has been struggling to find a full-time job since. She had VSG in September and has already lost 130 lbs.

And if you're not already following Kenda's blog, you can find it here.

Product Review: Nature Valley Protein Bar

2012-01-03T14:13:00.000-08:00

I sure hope Nature Valley sees this post and sends me some coupons for their fabulous products because this is really good! I tried the peanut butter dark chocolate variety. It is 190 calories and 10 grams of protein. It does have a fair amount of fat (12 grams). It also has five grams of fiber (and don't we all need more of that?).

What I really liked about the protein bar is that it isn't really sweet. It doesn't taste like a candy bar. It has six grams of sugars if you're counting, but with all the protein and fiber it balances really well.

The Black and the White of It

2012-01-03T09:51:00.000-08:00

My problems with food and weight have traditionally fallen to one extreme or the other along the spectrum of eating behaviors. I was either "being good" with food or "being bad". When I was good, I was oh so good, but when I was bad, well, you know.

Ah, but the "good" is so sweet! I perfectly count every calorie. Every food I eat is carefully planned. I think, "This is EASY!" and wonder, "Why don't I always eat like this?". In time, I become a bit smug. I wonder why everyone doesn't do what I'm doing? I feel in control. I exercise like a mad-woman, getting up at 5:00 AM and sweating in the gym.

But of course it doesn't last. This type of rigid-perfectionism is unsustainable in the long-term. Something happens - it's someone's birthday at work or I overeat a restaurant meal or my fella does something that pisses me off and I eat my feelings. There's no "gray" when I'm being good. There's no room for bad food choices. Suddenly everything shifts. I'm no longer "good". I'm horrible, stupid, fat, ugly, hopeless. I'll be fat forever. Everything will always be they way it's always been. There's no sense in trying. I'll just fail. Again.

Somehow having Lap-band surgery changed everything for me. I began living in a place of moderation. I was successful even when I made less-than stellar choices. Slowly I began to do things differently. I questioned the long-held beliefs. I didn't start another diet, slipping into the "good" zone. I didn't make foods off-limits. I allowed them for the first time, in moderation. I began to trust myself with food. I was okay for the first time in my life. It was freeing, unbelievably so.

But lately I've seen a bit of those old black and white thoughts creep back in. It started around Halloween when I had several candy-binges. I ate candy I didn't even particularly like. I just shoved it in my face without enjoying it. It wasn't moderation. It was "bad". I was bad. I didn't start gaining weight for awhile, but around the first part of December I noticed I was up about three pounds. I've struggled with that all month. I've had weeks where I did pretty well with food, but I've also had some colossal failures. Last week was hard because I was off work and my house was filled with Christmas goodies. My weigh-in on Wednesday after Christmas was good - I was down a bit, but since then I haven't done such a great job of holding it together.

Now I'm afraid of the scale. I'm afraid that my pants feel tight. I don't want to fail. I'm ashamed. I'm "bad". My eating has been okay, but I'm afraid, perhaps irrationally so. The number on the scale tells me if I'm okay or not. It defines me. It evaluates me.

And I know that I have lost my moderate living, at least for the moment. I'm back in the black and white of it.

Me and my dad on New Year's

Is it 5:00 PM yet?

2011-12-23T11:13:00.000-08:00

I hate working on days like this where I just want the clock to speed up so I can hurry and get on with things. My office-mate is already off for HER holidays (and she's coming back the day after me too-not that I'm keeping track or anything). How can it only be 10:30 AM? Ugh!

I really love Christmas, but I think it might be making me a little crazy. How's that, you ask? Well, here's the deal. In my mind the Christmas season has come and gone and I haven't had the chance to enjoy it yet. I've been too busy working. I wanted to take it easy, but work got busier and busier. Yes, I've done some Christmas stuff, but it doesn't really feel like Christmas when I'm sitting in my office. So it will all be over in just a few hours and I feel like I haven't had a chance to enjoy it yet. It hasn't even happened and I think I've already missed it.

See! I told you. Crazy.

I wonder how many other things in life I do this with. I know it happens every time I take a vacation. I spend the whole week thinking that I wish I had more time, that I don't want to go back to work, that I have so much I should be doing and that I need more free time. How much of my life do I treat as if it has already happened because I'm afraid of missing it?

Part of my complaint is legitimate. I do work a lot. I know I'm lucky to have a job (two of them actually). Although my kids' dad is in the picture, I am the one who does the lion's share of the childcare. My fella, their dad, is working quite sporadically right now. His employment has been tenuous for a long time. He didn't work at all in 2010. At one point this year he had three jobs, but was still only working about 25 hours a week and that only lasted a month or so. It drives me crazy to go off to work day after day when I know that my "partner" isn't putting in the same effort. Right now he is teaching himself to make cheese. Fucking cheese! I don't have enough free time to pluck my eyebrows and he's making CHEESE!

I didn't intend this post to turn into a rant about that. Ignore the previous paragraph. All I wanted to say was that I am somewhat justified in feeling a little resentful about spending all my waking hours working, but that doesn't explain why I am already feeling the post-holiday melancholia set in on December 23rd!

Is it because I know that nothing ever really lives up to the hype? Christmas, no matter how wonderful, is still just a day like any other.

And you want to know what else? Losing all the weight is the same thing.

Do you fantasize about how life will be when you finally lose the weight? I know I sure did. Of course I knew intellectually that losing weight wouldn't make life perfect, but I didn't really think about how difficult it would sometimes be to maintain the weight loss. I should have since I have lost weight before and always gained it back and then some, but I guess I thought it would be easier after surgery.

And the fact is that it is easier sometimes, but sometimes it is quite hard and I just want to throw up my hands and eat peppermint bark and sugar cookies like I used to. I used to be able to eat and I wouldn't even think. Eating was a way of tuning out all the thoughts. For the few minutes that I spent putting food in my mouth, I could permit myself to have as much as I wanted. I could pretend there were no consequences. I sometimes still overeat unplanned things, but it just isn't the same.

I feel fat. I thought those days were over. A couple of weeks ago I looked at myself in the mirror and I like what I saw. Now I feel like my pants are cutting into my skin. I gained two pounds. I have been careful with my food since I saw the two pound gain on the scale. I weighed myself again and I was up another pound! I think it is because I am ovulating, but what if I really gained even more? Ugh! I hoped to never see 170 on the scale again and there it was. In truth I deserved the two pound gain. I was eating between meals and not being careful with food choices at all, but I thought after a week of carefully logging my food, I'd see a loss. Probably not the whole two pounds, but some of it. So I feel fat and suddenly I'm afraid of re-gaining all the weight. I feel like it isn't within my control at all, which of course is absurd, but there you go.

Did I really think that once I hit goal I would effortlessly maintain the loss for the rest of my life? Worse, did I think I'd then be able to eat whatever I wanted without worrying about re-gaining the weight?

I don't know.

So I'm watching the clock. It is 11:05 AM now. I'm wishing to be somewhere else, wishing I wasn't working. I'll be on vacation next week. I will have to work a bit, but I hope to get some R&R time too. I wanted to have some R&R time with food, I guess. I didn't want to feel all freaked out about food going into the holiday. I wanted to feel confident and self-assured like I normally do so I can make good food choices and have a little guilt-free splurge here and there.

Answering MandaPanda's question

2011-12-20T13:14:00.000-08:00

MandaPanda wrote a thought-provoking post today asking the question,

Have YOU made the mental changes necessary for long term success?

I'm nearly two years post-op. I've been at goal for over a year. I've lost 115 lbs. I think maintenance is more difficult than losing weight was, at least for me. So how do I answer MandaPanda's question?

Dear Lord I sincerely hope I have changed! I used to be pretty nuts about food. I thought about eating all the time - what I was eating, what I should be eating, what I shouldn't be eating, what I wanted to be eating. When I wasn't thinking about food, I was thinking about my weight. If I happened to get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, my first thought as my foot hit the carpet was, "I am so fat. I need to lose weight.". I tried all sorts of diets, exercise programs, binging and purging, Overeaters Anonymous, binging and starving, binging and binging. I read self-help books and diet books. I saw several therapists and talked and talked and talked about it. I took medication. I went through eating disorder out-patient treatment. I felt out of control with food. Although I was generally fairly happy, I was miserable when it came to food/weight issues. I felt helpless, hopeless. I was certain that I would end up weighing 500 lbs if I let myself eat the way I wanted.

I don't feel like that now. I don't think I'll end up fat. I seldom want to overeat. Sometimes I want to make less-than stellar food choices and in truth sometimes I do make less-than stellar food choices, but I don't beat myself up about it. I don't feel out of control. It isn't all black and white anymore. I'm not "fat" and my food choices aren't "bad". Sometimes I chose foods that lack nutritional content, but it isn't a reflection of my value as human being as it once was. My brain changed when I had surgery. I don't know how or why, but it did and I'm so grateful!

I think I knew that having surgery was doing something about the problem so I could quit beating myself up. Even when I was still overweight, I knew I was losing weight and I felt confident that I could keep it up. I think one of the reasons that I was successful was that I refused to think of it as a temporary diet. I made choices and continue to make choices that I believe I can sustain throughout my life. I don't do typical "diet" sort of behaviors like weighing and measuring my food. I only log my food when I am struggling and want to get back on track. I eat "normal" foods like full-fat dairy products. I avoid sugar-free, fat-free foods like the plague. My Lap-band keeps my portions reasonable. As long as I eat at mealtimes and avoid snacking, my weight stays the same. I exercise every day, but in a very moderate sort of way.

So yes, I do think I've changed or am changing enough to continue being successful. I recently noticed I was eating more than normal - snacking, eating unplanned desserts. Instead of it turning into a December-long binge, I start logging my food. Amazing how that simple action can change how I feel! It's tools like these that make me confident that I can do it into the future!

Re-heating my lunch..

2011-12-15T14:03:00.000-08:00

Do you do that? Heat your lunch over and over as it grows cold? And I don't really eat all that slowly. I just take "breaks" while I wait for the food to go down.

I'm sitting at my desk wishing I wasn't at work today. I'll be on vacation between Christmas and New Years. I've done pretty much everything I need to do for the rest of the month.

Do you know what I did a little bit ago? I booked a hotel for five nights in Disneyland next summer! I sure hope I can save enough money between now and then 'cuz I just paid for a hotel room IN ADVANCE! I get an extra paycheck twice a year and this happens to be one of the months when that happens so I bit the bullet and made our Disneyland trip that we've been talking about official. Crap!

Those of you who have read my blog for awhile know that I work a full-time job and also have my own small property management company. I've had two clients for a few years and I just added another property. The owner of that property has another house we might add too. Plus I've done some free-lance stuff. I also have talked to a few other people that could turn into more accounts. Yeah me! I had an email this morning on another house we might be able to manage. Damn, I'd sure like to just work for myself and not have to keep working for someone else. Someday!

On the Lap-band note, I am writing a food diary. I don't usually log my food. I lost 115 lbs. without logging my food most of the time. I've maintained for a year without logging most of the time, BUT I feel like I need to. I've been snacking more than usual. I see something that looks good and I just eat it without a thought. Then I feel a little ashamed of myself. I've also gained about two pounds so I'm hoping that a little tune-up before Christmas is just what I need to get back on track and survive the holidays. I'm also trying to drink more water. It is so cold that my water consumption has slowed quite a bit. I've probably been drinking about 50 ounces a day. In warmer weather, I'd easily drink 100 ounces. So now I'm drinking more and I get a bunch more exercise running to the bathroom all damn day!

Anyhoozle - I guess that's about it! Happy Thursday!

Bah-humbug

2011-12-12T13:39:00.000-08:00

I love Christmas. I really do. This is my favorite time of the year. I love the music. I love the decorations. I love buying gifts. I love getting together with my family. I love that people make an attempt to ebrace the spirit of the season.

There's 13 days until Christmas and I just want to throw on the brakes! I have worked so much in the last few weeks. I am afraid Christmas will be here and gone before I get a chance to actually enjoy myself.

And truth be told I am taking today to feel a little sorry for myself. Tomorrow I will tell myself to knock it off and quit bellyacheing. Tomorrow I will be grateful for all that I have - healthy kids, a good job, presents under the tree, but today I'm peeling some sour grapes.

I'm not getting a Christmas bonus even though our company is making plenty of money. It is all being funneled to an expensive construction project. I know many people don't even have jobs, let alone Christmas bonuses. Tomorrow I'll go back to feeling grateful, but today I am pissed off that I am working my ass off and not getting a Christmas bonus.

I've already bitched about my former tenant. I decided to send her a portion of her deposit. I charged for the cleaning and lawn care she should have done, but I didn't charge for her breaking the lease. I just wasn't up to the fight. I'll still probably get hauled into court over it so I'm listing it in my litany of complaints. Tomorrow I'll be grateful that the crazy bitch is gone. Today I am sulky and resentful.

My car's brakes are making a God-awful noise. I was actually planning on doing some car maintenance this month since we'll be taking two driving trips after Christmas, but I wasn't really planning on a brake job. Tomorrow I'll be grateful to have a reliable car, but today I am pissed about the crappy timing.

I have spent too much money on Christmas and I'm not done shopping yet. I set a budget every year and I save all year to have enough money for gifts. I should have stuck within the budget. Tomorrow I will be grateful that I had money for gifts, but today I'm feling broke.

I think that's it for now. I'm sure tomorrow I'll think of something else, but of course I'll be feeling so grateful then that I won't want to go there.

Not a great day

2011-12-08T16:59:00.000-08:00

I completely lost my head today. Last May I had a new tenant move into my duplex. I live in one half and the other side is a rental. My fella really didn't want me to rent to this lady. She was on Section 8 (a rent subsidy) and social security disability. He felt like she was a typical welfare mom. Of course these are all reasons that would be highly illegal if I were to chose not to rent to her. Well, not the Section 8 voucher. I have no obligation to rent to someone on Section 8, but I've always had good luck with the program in the past since they help out with any issues that come up and the rent payment is guaranteed.

When I was talking with the Section 8 coordinator she essentially told me not to rent to this lady. She wouldn't say why. I tried really hard to disapprove the application, but her references were good and her credit was good. She met the criteria. Frankly I was afraid to turn her down because she is African American and I didn't want to be accused of discrimination. Let me be clear that I don't give a shit about race. I was, however, very concerned that her Section 8 worker was telling me to screen her very carefully, but wouldn't say why. So I screened her carefully and there were no issues with her application.

So she moved in. She was mostly a good tenant. She was away most of the summer. Really my only complaint was that her boyfriend would come and stay for one to two weeks every other week or so and he has a really, really loud voice. So loud that I could hear him whenever he spoke. I've never really heard any of my previous tenants and I didn't hear the woman. Just Loud Boyfriend.

In September my tenant had a huge fight with Loud Boyfriend. I didn't say anything. Loud Boyfriend was there for most of September (which is a huge no-no on Section 8). I didn't say anything. In October I went away for the weekend and when I came home, my fella told me that there had been another fight and that he'd called the police. My daughters corroborated the story.

So I issued a disturbance notice and told her she needed to submit a rental application for Loud Boyfriend since he had exceeded his guest status. I met with my tenant and she complained (as she had previously) that my fella doesn't like her, he's a jerk, blah, blah. I replied that she still needed to refrain from having fights and needed to register Loud Boyfriend if she wanted him to stay with her.

She came back a week or so later and was really upset that my fella doesn't like her and that he'd called the police. She'd already confirmed that the fights had actually occurred, but she was so upset that he'd called the police. She was afraid that I didn't like her or that her kids were too loud. I assured her everything was fine so long as she took care of the problems and didn't continue having unauthorized people staying with her. She came back a few days later and wanted me to agree to terminate her lease.

I was torn. I really wanted her to move out and I knew that she would leave when her lease was up because her oldest son had moved out so Section 8 wouldn't let her stay in a three bedroom. But the timing was totally crappy. If my apartment was vacant, I would have to pay the mortgage without the rent payment and would potentially have costs to get the place ready for a new tenant. This doesn't make for a very happy Christmas. I finally decided to let her go, but I reminded her that her lease has an early termination penalty of one extra month's rent and so she may not get her security deposit back. Her response was, "Why can't people ever think of me and my family? Why do people only think of themselves?" Barf.

So she moved out yesterday. She left the place pretty clean, but she didn't mow the lawn or pick up her cigarette butts. She didn't clean the oven or wipe out the cabinets and drawers. It wasn't horrible, but it did take us six hours to clean up. She also showed up at my office today to ask about getting her deposit back. I told her I would mail her an accounting within 30 days. I told her I was having it cleaned and there would be some charges. I said I didn't know if I would charge her the lease termination fee since I didn't know what my costs would be yet.

And basically I lost my head. I didn't keep my cool. She accused my fella of being a racist. She said she was going to sue me. I was shaking so hard and yelling at her that she left it filthy and that because of her attitude I was going to charge the lease penalty and she'd be getting a big fat bill.

Not my best moment. I'm still upset. And I don't think I was wrong. I really think she is just someone who plays the system and who works all these programs to get whatever she can. When she doesn't get what she wants, then she's being discriminated against according to her.

Ugh!

GOAL-aversary

2011-12-07T09:30:00.000-08:00

Last year on December 8th (which I realize is tomorrow but whatever), I hit my weight loss goal of losing 100 lbs. (45.4 kg.).

Except I actually didn't. I expected to. I thought I would. I wrote several posts in anticipation of my Wednesday weigh in and then when I got on the scale, I was shy by a few ounces.

So what the hell, I put up the goal posts anyway. The following week, I actually did hit goal. A year later, I'm about 15 lbs. lighter than my original goal.

December 2009 - 280 lbs.

December 2010 - 180 lbs.

Now - 165 lbs.

The Finish Line

2011-12-06T11:00:00.000-08:00

I did a 5K on Thanksgiving morning, followed by swimming at the local swim park. My niece, sister, and daughters and I have done this two years in a row as a good way to do something healthy on a traditional food holiday. I'm not a runner; I walked the 5K, but it was still a good, healthy start to the holiday season.

This race, like all others, has a starting line and a finish line. But I've come to realize that no matter how far I've come with weight loss and maintenance, there will never be a finish line. I will always have to run this race.

I bring it up because I've really been struggling the last couple weeks. I've had a "don't give a shit" attitude about food choices about 25% of the time. The rest of the time, I've done fine, but it is inconsistent. My exercise has been good, but since I work out outside and it is really cold, I haven't had much enthusiasm about it. I'm still doing it, though. The worst part has been how I feel in my head. I was convinced that I've gained weight (I haven't) and I couldn't make myself get on the scale. I looked in the mirror and thought I looked bigger. I obsessed about how my pants fit, certain that they were tight.

Hitting our weight loss goals doesn't mean we're done. I know that's pretty obvious, but somehow I am able to go along pretty well for a good long time and then it hits me that I'll never be done. I've been at goal for a year, but I will always struggle. Weight issues are a part of who I am. In some ways, it would be easier if we could just cross the finish line and be done, but there is a lot of personal growth that happens in the struggle. I've heard recovering alcoholics say that they are grateful for their alcoholism. They appreciate that this flaw has made them a better person. I think in times like this, I can see what they mean.

At the starting line with my youngest.

Ready to swim after the race!

Happy Thanksgiving, the Marney letter

2011-11-23T12:00:00.000-08:00

I'm sure many of you have seen this before, but for those who have not, Enjoy!

From: Marney
As you all know a fabulous Thanksgiving Dinner does not make itself. I need to ask each of you to help by bringing something to complete the meal. I truly appreciate your offers to assist with the meal preparation.
Now, while I do have quite a sense of humor and joke around all the time, I COULD NOT BE MORE SERIOUS when I am providing you with your Thanksgiving instructions and orders. I am very particular, so please perform your task EXACTLY as I have requested and read your portion very carefully. If I ask you to bring your offering in a container that has a lid, bring your offering in a container WITH A LID, NOT ALUMINUM FOIL! If I ask you to bring a serving spoon for your dish, BRING A SERVING SPOON, NOT A SOUP SPOON! And please do not forget anything.
All food that is to be cooked should already be prepared, bring it hot and ready to serve, warm or room temp. These are your ONLY THREE options. Anything meant to be served cold should, of course, already be cold.
HJB—Dinner wine
The Mike Byron Family
1. Turnips in a casserole with a lid and a serving spoon. Please do not fill the casserole all the way up to the top, it gets too messy. I know this may come as a bit of a surprise to you, but most of us hate turnips so don’t feel like you a have to feed an army.
2. Two half gallons of ice cream, one must be VANILLA, I don’t care what the other one is. No store brands please. I did see an ad this morning for Hagan Daz Peppermint Bark Ice Cream, yum!! (no pressure here, though).
3. Toppings for the ice cream.
4. A case of bottled water, NOT gallons, any brand is ok.
The Bob Byron Family
1. Green beans or asparagus (not both) in a casserole with a lid and a serving spoon. If you are making the green beans, please prepare FOUR pounds, if you are making asparagus please prepare FIVE pounds. It is up to you how you wish to prepare them, no soupy sauces, no cheese (you know how Mike is), a light sprinkling of toasted nuts, or pancetta, or some EVOO would be a nice way to jazz them up.
2. A case of beer of your choice (I have Coors Light and Corona) or a bottle of clos du bois chardonnay (you will have to let me know which you will bring prior to 11/22).
The Lisa Byron Chesterford Family
1. Lisa as a married woman you are now required to contribute at the adult level. You can bring an hors d’ouvres. A few helpful hints/suggestions. Keep it very light, and non-filling, NO COCKTAIL SAUCE, no beans of any kind. I think your best bet would be a platter of fresh veggies and dip. Not a huge platter mind you (i.e., not the plastic platter from the supermarket).
The Michelle Bobble Family
1. Stuffing in a casserole with a serving spoon. Please make the stuffing sans meat.
2. 2.5-3 qts. of mashed squash in a casserole with a lid and serving spoon
3. Proscuitto pin wheel – please stick to the recipe, no need to bring a plate.
4. A pie knife
The June Davis Family
1. 15 LBS of mashed potatoes in a casserole with a serving spoon. Please do not use the over-size blue serving dish you used last year. Because you are making such a large batch you can do one of two things: put half the mash in a regulation size casserole with lid and put the other half in a plastic container and we can just replenish with that or use two regulation size casserole dishes with lids. Only one serving spoon is needed.
2. A bottle of clos du bois chardonnay
The Amy Misto Family (why do I even bother she will never read this)
1. A pumpkin pie in a pie dish (please use my silver palate recipe) no knife needed.
2. An apple pie in a pie dish, you can use your own recipe, no knife needed.
Looking forward to the 28th!!
Marney

I hope this letter from crazy Marney helps you to keep perspective on your own crazy relatives!

I have writer's block

2011-11-18T16:30:00.000-08:00

Seriously! I have been a bad blog writer! I think about things I want to say, but I am overwhelmed by trying to explain them. I feel like it would be too complicated to say what's going on so I say nothing. And more time passes and it becomes more and more difficult to recount.

Now you probably think some major thing has occurred. It hasn't really. Just life. Some things are changing and I think it will be good. Right now it is scary.

I ate like DOG SHIT yesterday. I had about a million tiny miniature butterfinger candy bars. I was stressed out and it seemed like a good idea at the time. I'm back on track today. One thing I've learned in this process is that if I make a bad choice one day, it doesn't mean I have to keep doing it. Sometimes we have bad days. That's life.

I also feel like all I do in my blog is complain. And some people who used to comment on my posts never comment anymore. I take it personally, like they don't like me anymore. Neurotic much?

I weighed yesterday and was at the high number of my normal two pound goal range. I hate that. It was also TOM. Stupid bastard.

I seriously have no food in my house. I don't know what to make for dinner. My daughter has a friend coming over who has never spent the night before. I assume she'll expect a meal of some sort.

I hope all is well for you and yours. I hope I get over my writer's block and can get back to regular posting.

The one who got away is on vacation in Mexico. I hate facebook.

Weight loss/relationship survery

2011-11-15T13:59:00.000-08:00

I received an email from a PhD candidate who asked me to spread the word about a survey she is conducting for her dissertation. The topic is on how our partners can sabotage weight loss efforts. Here's the email she sent and a link to the survey if you'd like to participate:

Hi, Amanda,

I recently found your blog, Amanda's Waning, and I'm wishing you much success with your fitness goals (and steering clear of the Frosted Mini Wheats). Anyway, congrats on your overall success with WLS! I'm writing you because I'm involved in research that some of your contacts might find interesting. (Below, I've included a Sample Announcement, Tweet and Full Study Info for your review. Also, here's a link describing my study on a blog post by an obesity medicine doctor, Dr. Yoni Freedhoff: http://www.weightymatters.ca/2011/11/is-your-spouse-sabotaging-your-weight.html?m=1)

I'm completing my PhD in clinical psychology at Clark University where I've been primarily trained in couples therapy. I also recently completed my pre-doctoral internship in health psychology at Duke University Medical Center. I've heard so many people's stories of frustration and anguish with their partners who "just keep getting in the way" by doing all sorts of things from buying the wrong foods at the grocery store, nagging to go to a restaurant where the favorites are all high-calorie and off-program, or by begging them not to exercise right now and do something sedentary instead.

I decided that this was exactly how I could combine my interests in couples therapy and health psychology. For my dissertation, I am developing an anonymous, online survey to assess for partner undermining of weight loss. I'd really appreciate your help spreading the word about my study as I think this is a very worthwhile and important study that could help health care professionals better understand their patients' barriers to weight loss.

Thank you in advance for your help,

Amanda

Amanda G. Harp, M.A.

Doctoral Candidate

Clinical Psychology

Clark University

Worcester, MA

aharp@clarku.edu

@Amanda_G_Harp

For the second day in a row...

2011-11-02T12:50:00.000-07:00

I had Frosted Mini Wheats for lunch today and yesterday. Both times I had a few bites and then was stuck and had to ralph in the bathroom.

Because...DUH!...There is MILK in with the cereal and drinking while eating isn't a good idea!

I am embarrassed to confess that it took me two days to figure that out. Yes, I was banded, oh, about a year and a half ago. I'm not a newbie, I swear!

Friday Freak Out

2011-10-28T11:53:00.000-07:00

That title means nothing. I just wanted a word that started with the letter "F" to go along with the word Friday. Sorry if I got you all sucked in for nothing!

Speaking of strange titles, my daughters are going to a Halloween party tonight called a Halloween Shakedown. I always thought a "shakedown" was something involving some guy named Fat Tony and the threat of broken thumbs.

I've been keeping busy at work. As many of you know, I am a wildly successful Property Manager. I live in a mansion and make $100,000 a week. I drive my cars one time only and then give the keys to some homeless dude. It is a fabulous life!

If only, right?

The only true statements in the previous paragraph are that I have been keeping busy and I'm a property manager. I actually work for a company and have my own little baby company that I hope will someday employ me full-time so I can quit my day job. That's if the blogging gig doesn't take off, and I'm not holding my breath. My baby company is also a property management (follow the link to "like" us on facebook) company. One of the things we've done for the last several years is rent out rooms at a sorority house when there are track and field events in Eugene, Oregon. We just started on the 2012 Olympic Track & Field Trials which will be held at historic Hayward Field on the campus of the University of Oregon. Most of the hotels in Eugene are already booked so we are hoping for a successful event. In fact, I'm hoping to make enough money to take my kids to Disneyland next summer.

I also have a couple of houses and apartments that people can rent. Here's one of the houses that is available if you're curious. I haven't decided what to charge yet.

What a boring post this is.

My weight remains the same. My food is pretty good, although I had to reign in some overeating earlier this week. Nothing sounded good to eat except fast food and eating out for lunch. That got expensive. So I'm back to packing my lunch and sticking to the plan.

So what else? I really want to take my kids to Disneyland this summer! We went in 2005, but my youngest was only a year and half so she has no memory. Next summer they'll be 11 and 9 which is probably the perfect age! But DAMN that is an expensive place to go! I think we need at least $4,000 for the trip.

Well, that's all I can come up! I hope you are all having a great Friday!

Go DUCKS!!!

In case you were wondering...

2011-10-19T17:01:00.001-07:00

I didn't get to keep it :(

It helps to be compulsive

2011-10-18T09:45:00.000-07:00

I get up at the same time each morning, usually a few minutes before my alarm sounds. I drink coffee, read the paper, walk the dog, bathe, get ready for work. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I ride my bike to work. Otherwise I drive. At 10:00 AM I eat my Greek yogurt. At noon I have lunch. On Mondays and Fridays I have a small mocha in the afternoon. On Wednesdays I go out to lunch. I always go to Café Yum! and get a small original Yum! bowl and a bag of kettle chips. I count out 13 chips and staple the bag shut. I go to church every Sunday. Saturday morning I clean and afternoons I fold laundry. I visit my mom every other Sunday afternoon. I grocery shop every other Thursday evening after work.

I never have to talk myself into exercising. It is just part of what I do. I like my routine. When I was single I typically ate the same foods day after day. After a while I'd get tired of something and switch it up a bit. Some of my favorites were green salad with rice vinegar dressing and five saltine crackers and this yummy red beans and rice chili that they don't make anymore.

There are certain things I do on certain days of the year. Holidays have their own traditions, of course. I always take one of my week's vacation over my birthday and the other one between Christmas and New Years.

I think you get the idea.

I am pretty sure everyone has a routine of some sort or another, but I'm also pretty sure that what I do is a little more extreme than the norm. I don't think I have OCD or anything like that. What I've come to realize, however, is that in the weight-loss, weight-maintenance game, it helps to be a little compulsive. I read a lot of blogs where people talk about wanting to work out, wanting to get back to their routine and really struggling to do so. That's never happened to me. I don't do a real strenuous work out right now (although I have at various times in the past), but whatever I commit to do, I do. I'm the best work out buddy in the world! Actually maybe my dog is the best. He's so competitive.

So I am calling today, "Embrace Your Compulsiveness" day. It is a day to celebrate the routine, the mundane, the ritual. Our ambassador is Dr. Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory.

What about you? Do you have some inner neurosis that helps you stay on track? Let's hear about it!

Can I keep it? Please?

2011-10-14T09:56:00.000-07:00

I've been sick this week. Some sort of stomach bug. I missed work part of the day Wednesday and all day Thursday. I don't usually get stomach sick. Have you ever seen the episode of Seinfeld where Jerry breaks his no-vomit streak after eating a black and white cookie? Well believe it or not, my no-vomit streak had lasted from 1989 until Wednesday (not counting alcohol and Lap-band related vomiting). Yes, that was a 22-year no-vomit streak.

So of course I had to get on the scale this morning. After all that suffering, I deserve a reward, right? I've lost 3 lbs. since Tuesday. Can I keep it? Please?

See, here's the deal. The weight I saw this morning is my lowest low since surgery and it is a normal BMI. I have been hovering about three pounds above a normal BMI for months. I've always felt that since I was maintaining that number without really working at it, it was the right weight for my body. I also figure I probably have at least a few pounds of extra, loose skin to factor into the equation. Now I'm sort of wishing I didn't get on the scale. I'm sure I am dehydrated. I know I am not going to eat a weight-gaining diet this week, but I probably won't get to keep the loss.

It was nice to see, though.

Forgive me, Blogger, for I have sinned...

2011-10-04T12:39:00.000-07:00

It has been at least 20 days since my last post and it was a few weeks between that one and the previous one. I suck.

I read once that if you keep a blog, you should never apologize for not writing. Most of your readers don't notice that you're gone unless you draw attention to it. Hard to believe that you're not all sitting there tapping your fingers, waiting for my next post to publish. Somehow you've managed to carry on without me.

I see on facebook that BOOBS happened. I've seen some pictures of all the fabulous attendees. I'm jealous and I look forward to catching up with everyone lucky enough to go. I hope to be among them someday.

I've been busy at work and busy with my kids. Life is pretty good. As the song says, I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. My weight stays pretty much the same. I saw my lowest-low (165) again recently, but I was back to 166 at my last weigh in. Bah! Oh well...I'm happy with where I'm at. One pound doesn't make that much difference really.

The weather is changing in Oregon. We've had some rain (shocking! I know) and a bit of sun. Usually October is a cold, dry month. The leaves are just beginning to turn colors. We put up the Halloween decorations on Sunday.

My oldest daughter is busy with soccer. Her team merged with another team so it has been a transition. I'm thinking of exploring other teams too. I just don't think this team is using her to her fullest.

You can see why I haven't posted much. I don't have anything especially interesting to say. I'll try to come up with something better!

Holding Steady

2011-09-14T09:42:00.000-07:00

What a cool thing it is to see the same number on the scale from week to week! Now that I'm in maintenance, I do not track my food or log my food so I consider it a victory to get on the scale and see that I am holding steady without putting a huge amount of effort into it. I feel as if I am largely free from the food and weight issues that have plagued me most of my life.

My aunt had lap-band surgery last Wednesday. Her husband had gastric bypass a few years ago and he looks great. I'm glad that she is now able to take this important step toward improving her own health!

I hope you're all doing wonderful. My job is NUTS this time of year so I'm not blogging much, but I'll try to start catching up soon!

Yummy, Yummy Ice Cream

2011-08-26T11:05:00.000-07:00

There is a very small and equally unlikely chance that I may be eating ice cream every night of the week. I know this seems hard to believe and, in truth, I am as shocked as you probably are.

It probably started with a Popsicle here and a cremesicle there. It is, after all, quite hot and something cool after dinner probably seems like a reasonable thing to have. Never mind that I don't normally eat sweets during the week, except on special occasions. 45 or 90 extra calories isn't going to hurt, right? Somehow the nightly treat routine seems to have morphed into a nightly dessert routine. A 230 calorie serving of ice cream? Sure, why not? Some peanut clusters on a Tuesday? Yes! Bring it on! An entire PINT of Ben & Jerry's Mint Chocolate Cookie ice cream?

WTF? Okay, clearly I am need of some serious intervention here. A PINT of ice cream is at least three (and maybe four) servings. That is, oh, I don't know, at LEAST 900 calories. And no, I don't know for sure because I DIDN'T EVEN LOOK! Ugh!

This is not moderation. This is literally too much of a good thing. So I am going to lay off the ice cream and go back to my normal policy of eating sweets only on the weekends. Luckily my weight hasn't (yet) been affected adversely by my little deviation into creamy, sweet ice-cream land. But my peace of mind has been affected and that's a problem.

ANXIETY

2011-08-18T11:09:00.000-07:00

I lost a follower. It happens and I don't take it personally, except maybe when I write about something personal like my last post and the next time I log on, I notice I've lost a follower. Then it might hurt just a little, tiny bit...

Several of us are writing about what happens when food and fat are no longer around to insulate us from whatever it is that the food and fat protected us from. Draz wrote a great post about what happens when being thin doesn't "fix" our life like we thought it would. For me I've noticed that one of the functions my disordered eating used to serve was helping me to do with anxiety and now that it's gone, the anxiety has become bigger and more difficult to manage.

Like right now. I work as a property manager and as such some of my interactions with tenants are not pleasant. There are a few specific tasks that I must do as part of my job that I have intense anxiety about. To the point that when I know these tasks are coming up, I become a complete mess. In my mind everything becomes tainted by this fear of what I've got to face. I have difficulty enjoying things I'd normally enjoy because of the worry. These fears don't stay at work either. They creep into my regular life. They interfere with my sleep. I obsess about them. I pray that I won't have to do it.

The tasks are conflict-related tasks: times when I have to deal with someone face-to-face (or on the phone) in a conflict situation. The worst stress comes from time when I have to go to court with people. I'm usually okay with the evictions that I must process through the courts. I do those every couple of months or so and they don't normally evoke any major response from me. The ones that freak me out are money disputes with people that go through small claims court. The actual process isn't that big of deal, but the lead-up to the experience causes me to be riddled with anxiety and stress. I have a court case scheduled with a former tenant (and alcoholic who is actively drinking) for August 29th. I feel like the rest of my summer is ruined because I have to do this. Usually my co-worker (and sister) would go with me and her presence is very calming to me, but she has to go to court with her ex-husband that day so I'll be on my own.

I know that it will work out. I think that the courts are usually pretty fair. Intellectually I know that everything will be okay. It isn't personal. Even if I lose, the world will keep spinning. But this horrible fear still runs loose in my head. It has influenced everything in my life since I learned of the court case on Monday. It isn't a rational response. I now have no outlet for the anxiety that I once would have coped with by overeating. And when I feel like that, I start feeling like I'm all on my own. Like I have no one to turn to for help in life. These emotions clouded the post I wrote the other day in which I talked about my relationship with my kids' dad. Because I am feeling overwhelmed, my attitude in the post was that there were no redeeming qualities in our relationship which probably isn't accurate. It was just the way I was feeling at the moment that I wrote the words. It was influenced by this horrible feeling of dread and anxiety that is clouding my mind right now.

In a perfect world, I'd probably seek medical help for this anxiety, but I don't have health insurance so that would require careful planning. I would need to save money for the office visit and the prescription. It would probably be October before I had the funds and that would be too late. This only comes up a few times a year with the court stuff. I also have limited situations that are more common, but also happen spontaneously so I don't have to worry about them for weeks. I have the same anxiety when a tenant comes in pissed off about a maintenance issue or a problem with their neighbor, but I don't have to think about it over several days. They come in, we talk, the situation gets resolved. Pretty much any conflict can invoke this reaction, even conflicts with my fella (or with my daughter's soccer team, another one of the fun things I have going on right now). Often I just bury my head in the sand and try to ignore whatever is going on, but the fear still runs rampant in my mind.

Oh, yeah, my youngest daughter also has LICE (eek!) (well, hopefully not anymore), my fella is only working one day this week, I am up a bit on the scale, I just realized when I was planning to go camping next weekend for probably the last trip of the year, I also have an opportunity to make some money so now I have to decide what I'd rather do, and I have to work alone for the next two days. I also have some fun things coming in the next couple days so I hope I can get out of this funk.

On a completely unrelated topic, I wish I had a cool tag-line to end all my posts like, "Now you have the skinny!" so I wouldn't have to think of a nice way to wrap up my post without just trailing off like I tend to do.

Taking stock at the beginning of year number 38

2011-08-17T10:31:00.000-07:00

I turned 38 last week. Damn. I remember when my mom was 38 and I thought she was SO OLD. Hell, she already had her first grandchild by then, thanks to my older sister. I think most of us do a bit of reflection around birthday time. So how are things thus far? Have I done what I wanted and accomplished what I hoped?

Hmmm....Maybe some questions shouldn't be asked.

When I was in my 20's, I was so optimistic about the future. Although money was tight and I hadn't finished my education and I wasn't settled into a relationship, I was confident that I was paying my dues and stability would come as I got older. I thought if I worked hard, things would work out. Is my life the way I pictured it would be? I know I've lost a lot of that optimism. I now realize that even when you work hard, there's no guarantee that you'll have security. Oftentimes things just don't work out the way they should.

This recession has really done a number on me and so many others. My fella was out of work for all of 2010. He now has three part-time jobs, but is only contributing about $400 per month to the household. Who knows how much my home is now worth. What I paid for it? Probably not. When my grandfather passed away in 2003, he left his property to his wife (my step-grandma) and his four children (my mom and her siblings). After a year or so, they put the property up for sale and it sold for 3.5 million. The buyer had two years to finish paying. He paid $750,000 altogether and then the economy went in the toilet and he bailed. The realtor was the only winner in the transaction because a good chunk of the money they did receive went to pay relator fees on the entire purchase price and taxes. Everyone else got a small chunk, but they each expected that more was coming so I don't think any of them were especially frugal with that money.

I didn't stand to inherit anything, but my mom is very generous and I figured she'd give me some money. I was hoping for enough to bulk up my savings account, pay off my car and take my family on a nice vacation. I was disappointed that it didn't happen, but my biggest worry is for my mom. Through a combination of bad luck, bad timing and bad decisions, she has nothing. She'll be 60 years old in November. She deserves to live like a queen and instead she's facing a future of being unable to retire and constant financial worry. It really sucks. I'm sure the property will eventually sell again, but for a much lower price and who knows when it will happen?

I'd have to say that the element of my life that is the best right now is my weight situation. I have struggled since childhood with food issues and later with weight issues. I know I'll never be "normal" with food, but I am hopeful that I have the tools to be okay. Thank you, Lap-band!

I did finish my college education in 2006. I have a decent job with crappy benefits. I hope to see some improvement in that regard in the future.

I have two beautiful children, but being a parent is hard. I didn't know that before I had kids. There's no guarantee that they'll turn out okay. I make mistakes all the time as a mother. They screw up as children. But I love them very much and I'm doing my best. I hope it will be enough.

I've written before about my relationship with their dad, Matthew. It is...complicated. I feel like the adult and he is another child. I am the one who works full-time, pays the bills, saves money for back-to-school clothes, coordinates the kids' activities, lessons, etc. He is a difficult person with a difficult personality. He makes my life difficult at times. I don't know if having a relationship with him is worth it. I also don't know how to get free of him or even if I want to. It is hard. I don't know what else to say about it. I do know it isn't the relationship that I imagined I'd have at this point in my life.

So that's the stock at the beginning of year number 38. To recap, the economy sucks and has dealt some big blows. My kids are challenging, but wonderful. I am skinny and feel good about my weight. My romantic relationship is a headache. I have a college degree and a job.

Clever title to hook you in...

2011-08-15T17:03:00.000-07:00

I took last week off. It was my 38th birthday on Tuesday. We went to Newport, Oregon for a couple days and I stayed home the rest of the time.

Here's some pictures from Newport, Oregon. If you've never been to the Oregon Coast, you must add it to your bucket list! August is a good time to go because you might actually see some sunshine like we did. The high temps were in the 60's both days, but it was so beautiful!

California Sea Lions

Harbor Seals

My daughter Bryn touches a sea anemone

Sea horse at the Oregon Coast Aquarium

Regular horses - we took a family ride in the dunes

At home I stayed busy with house projects. We painted both girls' bedrooms and reorganized things. Here's some pics:

My oldest daughter's room "before"...

....and "after"!

Youngest daughter's room "before"...

..."after"

I'm a little embarrassed by how messy their rooms were. Really it had gotten to the point where they couldn't get things organized on their own. They needed some help!

Food-wise things are going pretty well. I haven't weighed myself for a while, but I will on Wednesday. I feel pretty peaceful with food right now.

Mmm...cheese...

2011-08-02T11:04:00.000-07:00

Last night I was making my lunch for today. As I sliced some cheese, the idea occurred to me that it would be yummy with some saltine crackers. Before I knew it, I'd gobbled down two crackers and cheese.

No biggie. But it was very good. So I had two more. And then I was fixing a snack for the pet rats and decided to make two more saltines with peanut butter for myself.

Why do I do this? It wasn't planned. I wasn't hungry. I was literally shoving food in my mouth for no reason. And the worst thing? I didn't even enjoy it. I have some rules when it comes to eating. I must eat sitting down. I cannot eat while driving. I can't eat when I have to pee or am otherwise distracted. Standing in the kitchen, eating quickly definitely violates the rules!

Mindless eating does not lead to satisfaction and when I am not satisfied by my food, chances are I'm going to keep eating. Shoving food in my mouth is like trying to eat as much as I can before I notice that I'm eating, before I put the breaks on, and before I make myself stop. I used to eat like this a lot.

Thankfully, I no longer do. Thankfully, I know that even though I made a poor choice yesterday, I don't have to continue making poor choices. I know I deserve to eat food and I deserve to feel satisfied by it. I don't have to gobble something up while silently screaming at myself that I'm fat and stupid. And THAT feels pretty good!

The big, fat lie.

2011-07-29T11:25:00.000-07:00

We've all been told throughout our lives that dieting is the solution to our weight woes. Need to lose weight? There's a diet for that. Medical professionals have a plan to recommend. Our friends and family can tell you about the new thing they're doing. There are pills and drinks. Eliminate this food and lose! Eliminate that food and lose! Eat this. Don't eat that. There's low carb, no carb, low fat, no fat. You can count points, exchanges, fat grams, calories. There's the grapefruit diet, the acai berry diet, the belly-fat diet, the paleo diet, the French diet, the Biggest Loser diet, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Weight Loss Clinic, LA Weight Loss. Does anyone remember Richard Simmon's Deal-A-Meal?

Most of us have been on several diets during our lives. We've lost weight, sometimes lots of weight. But we've always gained it back and usually more. We unequivocally believe the big, fat lie. Statistically we are told that 95% of all dieters will fail to lose the weight and keep it off for one year and nearly 100% will fail to keep it off for five years. We think WE are the problem and that if we could just stick to the diet, we'd finally lose the weight forever. If we quit the diet, it is because we are lacking somehow. We have no will-power, no self-control. We'd rather eat than be thin. We're stupid, ugly, lazy.

Why does no one ever seem to notice that naturally thin people don't diet? They may eat healthfully most of the time, but they don't usually go on a diet. Have you ever gone out to eat with your skinny friends and watched them eat an appetizer, salad with dressing, bread, the entree, drinks AND dessert while you have a dry salad, one drink, an entree without sides or sauce and no dessert?

There is, of course, a difference between following a healthy diet and dieting. Sometimes it is hard for those of us who've bought the big, fat lie to grasp the difference. We are prone to black and white thinking. We label foods as "good" and "bad" and we judge ourselves by extension if we eat them. We become accustomed to food rules and feel out of control when there are no rules. It isn't hard for feeling out of control around food to equate being out of control with food. We hear that diets don't work and we think that means we can just eat whatever we want all the time.

So if diets are the big, fat lie, what's the skinny truth? The truth is that moderation is the answer. Moderation. Balance. Yin and Yang. Sustainability. Moderation in our diets, our work, our lifestyles, our exercise plans, our relationships. It makes sense, really. But apparently moderation doesn't make for very interesting head lines and it doesn't sell diet plans, because we don't hear much about it. And it is hard for those of us who've bought the big, fat lie to believe. A lifetime of black and white thinking is difficult to give up. We remember the times when we were "good". Our diets were squeaky clean and we exercised like maniacs. Isn't that the ideal we should maintain? Nope. Not if we want to lead lives of moderation. Because of course that period of "goodness" was likely followed by an equally spectacular downfall. We ate too much or couldn't work out and all of the sudden all bets were off! If we couldn't be perfect, we would be horrible!

To eat a diet of all things in moderation, you must learn to trust yourself. You must believe that you can eat and enjoy a serving of cookies and not devour the entire bag. This can be a tough skill to master when you've bought the big, fat lie your entire life, but it is worth the effort! Not just because you get to eat a serving of cookies, but because your brain gets to enjoy the benefits of living a life of moderation. And if you slip up, it is okay because moderation teaches us that we cannot beat ourselves up for mistakes as that wouldn't be a very balanced approach! Often when we try to teach ourselves to live in moderation, especially with food, we find ourselves turning to the old diet stand-byes like counting calories because we really do not know what a moderate food plan looks like. And that's okay so long as we understand that it is a temporary tool. For me, my Lap-band was necessary to teach me to live in moderation because I really could not determine what an appropriate serving size of food was. I'd start eating and just keep going, convincing myself that I wasn't eating all that much, really.

The big, fat lie or the skinny truth? What do YOU think?

The glass is half empty

2011-07-27T10:00:00.000-07:00

I hate my scale! That stupid POS says I weigh 164.2 (74.6 kg.) today which is a loss of 1.8 lbs. (.8 kg.) from last week. This is the first time I've seen a new low since June 1st. So why am I hating the scale? Because I just know that NEXT week I'll be up and it will probably be another two months before I see this low again.

Am I a pessimist or what? Why can't I just enjoy this new low? After all, I lost consistently for a year until I hit this annoying new low, gain, gain, lose but not to the new low, new low pattern. I know that I don't lose 1.8 lbs. a week anymore. The fact is I was sick on Monday and didn't eat much. This is an artificial low and next week I'm going to get on the POS scale and it will be up and I'll feel like crap about myself.

The really stupid part about it is that I am pretty happy with my appearance most of the time. I don't really need to lose any more weight. But we can never be too rich or too thin, right? I wish I didn't need to weigh myself anymore, but "they" say that we should weigh ourselves at least once a week in order to maintain our weight loss. Plus I get weird about the scale when I haven't weighed in a while. I start imagining that I've gained all kinds of weight.

So apparently I can't win. If I weigh myself, I'm not satisfied with what I see and if I don't weigh myself, my imagination gets the better of me.

Is it wrong to post a picture so you guys will give me a bunch of compliments?

2011-07-26T16:45:00.000-07:00

I posted some pix yesterday from our weekend family reunion in which I was wearing a swimsuit. I think maybe I post pictures like that from time to time so I'll hear a bunch of compliments. Is that wrong?

I swear I'm not completely narcissistic! It's just that I really have never liked the way I look all that much. Even before I was fat, I was insecure about my appearance. I thought I looked good at times, but generally I worried about my looks way too much. Now I have the confidence and wisdom that comes from maturity, I guess. I know I have many, many flaws, but I am happy with my looks overall. Sure, I could pick myself apart. I could talk about my saggy ta tas or my extra skin, but I chose not to focus on those things.

So why do I post pictures in hopes of getting a bunch of compliments? Maybe I still am kind of insecure. Maybe I just like hearing that other people think I look good. Anyway, THANK YOU for all the validation. I'm working on my insecurities, I swear! Maybe someday I won't need/want you all to tell me how foxy I look.

Weekend Recap!

2011-07-25T13:12:00.000-07:00

On Mayfield Lake in Washington State


My sister (left) and I (with the glasses)

We had a fantastic weekend! After work Friday my daughters and I drove north for our family reunion. We stayed at Mayfield Lake Resort in Washington State. The resort has RV and tent camping, cabins and hotel rooms. This works great so everyone can chose the accommodations that they prefer and can best afford. I picked "tent camping" on what they call Tent Island. I assumed that this meant we could drive across a bridge and camp, but nope, we had to schlep all our camping gear down a hill and across the boat dock then up a dirt hill and across the camping areas to our spot. I don't know how far it was - probably a quarter mile. Did I mention we had to carry ALL our gear? They had little carts, but with all the hills it seemed pretty likely that my things were going to end up at the bottom of Mayfield Lake (which the signs claimed was 80' deep!). Luckily my nephews and cousins took pity on us and helped up get our things over to the island and then back again.

Did I mention that there was no bathroom on the island? We had to hike back to the resort to use the bathroom. Or pee in the bushes. Guess what we did ;)

Too bad I woke up at 5:00 AM this morning with an upset stomach. Then my dog came upstairs and sat outside the bathroom. I cracked the door and told him to go away. I tried to go back to sleep, but couldn't so I got up and then stepped in dog mess by the stairs. Oh! So THAT'S why he was bugging me at 5:00 AM! I pulled the carpet cleaner out of the garage before I left for work and I'm sincerely hoping that the house elves shampoo the carpet while I'm gone. I wish I had sick leave so I could go home.

I also think my aunt had gastric bypass. She has always been a large woman and now all the sudden she's rather thin with TONS of loose skin. She also mentioned something about sampling an ice cream cone that one of her sons had and it upsetting her stomach, which made me think of dumping. I don't really know her well enough to ask her, but I'm happy for her, whatever she's doing! Here's a picture:

And here's a picture of my littlest, sleeping in our tent. Isn't she cute?

I guess I better include the oldest one too. She's also cute!

Family Reunion

2011-07-22T08:48:00.000-07:00

Later this afternoon my girls and I are heading to our annual family reunion. The fella can't go because he has to work Sunday. I am working today and I sure wish I didn't have to! I just mapqwested the route and it is a 3 1/2 hour drive! We probably won't get on the road until 4:00 PM and we'll have to stop for dinner. We probably won't get in until 8:00 PM at the earliest and then I'll need to set up camp.

And to make it worse, I forgot to lay my tent out after we went camping LAST weekend and now it smells all musty. It rained the morning we broke camp and for the next couple of days at home so by the time it had cleared up, I'd completely forgotten that my tent was all wrapped up, apparently molding away in its bag. Crap!

I am looking forward to seeing my family though. Most of them have been there since yesterday or even earlier so what often happens is they do all the family stuff they're going to do BEFORE we get there and half of them head home on Saturday or early Sunday. It kind of makes me wonder why I'm spending all this energy and money to drive so far!

Anyways...it is what it is. I'm sure we'll have fun either way.

I've been working extra hours all week so I could cut out a little early today and then like the genius I am, I set up an appointment at 3:00 PM. It will take 15 minutes or so and then I'll have to drive across town, get my kids and get on the road. If I'd been more organized, I wouldn't have set anything up so late so I could be leaving work at 3:00 and on the road by 3:30. I always do things like that. I spread myself too thin at work and my personal life suffers. I wish I knew how to set better boundaries. I work with my sister and she took today off and part of yesterday to get ready. I always work more than she does. Her husband works full-time (my fella, Matthew has three part-time jobs, but I am the main bread winner) and it used to be that their economic situation was much better than ours, but lately they've been struggling financially. Still, it doesn't seem to make a difference when she decides to take time off.

My financial situation has improved in the last few months. I've been slowly building my savings account up a bit after Matthew was unemployed for all of 2010. I also have money saved for Christmas, back to school shopping, my bi-annual car insurance payment, and vacation as well as the $1,000 "cushion" we're all supposed to have. Luckily I didn't have to touch one of my CD's, my IRA or the kids college fund during Matthew's unemployment (or year's vacation as I like to call it). Even though our income isn't huge, living frugally really pays off. So does planning. All together, it isn't all that much money, but as long as I don't spend any of it, we're doing okay. Of course there's all the stupid B.S. that comes up in life. I need to order flea stuff for my dog. He also needs his rabies shot and license renewed. The money I have for back to school is probably half of what I actually need. Oh, yeah and I told my daughters we could paint their bedrooms AND I'm looking for a new (to us) bed for my oldest daughter.

Cha-ching!

The reason my daughter needs a new bed (or new mattress) is that she has an occasional bed-wetting problem. She's 10. Does anyone have any experience with this sort of thing? It really, really upsets her. I don't think it is all that big a deal, other than that it upsets her so much. She wore pull-ups at night through most of her childhood thus far, but six months ago or so she decided not to use them anymore. I think the reason she wets is that she sleeps really soundly. We've tried waking her up when we go to bed, but she'll sometimes still wet in the middle of the night. I encourage her to make herself get up whenever she wakes up a bit in the night, but I don't know if that is helpful or not. I just figure she'll outgrow it. Everyone seems to eventually. I have told her I'm going to buy her a new bed when she's ready for one, not to reward or punish her behavior, but maybe to give her some incentive to work on it. I think she is so frustrated by it that's she's convinced herself that it will never get better. I know that oftentimes when people develop "mental blocks" to things, it makes it that-much more difficult to figure out.

Boy I sure seem to be rambling away this morning!

Anyways...I hope you're all having a great Friday! I know much of the country is dealing with sweltering heat. They're calling for weather in the 90's here on Sunday, but it has been cool (low 70's) all week. I'm actually looking forward to a little sunshine and HEAT!

Maintenance is...

2011-07-20T11:32:00.000-07:00

Maintenance is kind of a weird thing, but in a good way. I have weighed about the same weight (+/- a couple lbs.) for several months. I've considered myself at goal since December, but I've lost 14 lbs. since then so I'm not sure that really counts.

I suspect this is the longest period in my life in which I've been at the same weight. Always before I was gaining or losing. I stayed within a range of about 40 lbs. (between 119 and 155 or so) for most of my life. But from month-to-month and year-to-year, I was up and down. I still looked "normal". I wasn't overweight, at least not until I hit my 30's when I really started gaining weight. Then I put on 100+ lbs. in seven years. Some of it through pregnancy, but most of it through just throwing up my hands and giving up.

So it is really strange to see the same numbers month after month. At first, it frustrated me because I'd still like to lose another five lbs. or so, but I am pretty sure that wouldn't make much difference and it isn't going to happen without a bunch of effort I don't really want to put in SO I have learned to be okay with where I'm at. More than okay, very pleased to see that my eating plan and lifestyle or working for me.

I haven't been logging my food for a while so it is also nice to see that I am not deluding myself into thinking I am eating okay when I'm actually gaining. I put on 70 lbs. that way so I'm glad my Lap-band combined with my efforts really seem to be keeping me right where I want to be! I have spent several weekends out of town lately, either camping or staying in hotels and eating out, but I'm still holding steady. I feel really free!

Thank you guys for all your nice responses to my Arglefark post yesterday. I appreciate knowing I have you guys around to commiserate with me!

Arglefark!

2011-07-19T09:29:00.000-07:00

Not sure what that title means...It is the sound that expresses my frustration best right now, I guess.

Why am I frustrated, you ask? Maybe this is going to call for bullets.

I am a property manager which means that I have a job that requires that I be somewhat involved in a very intimate part of everyone's life: where they live. This means that I hear way more than I want to hear about what goes on behind closed doors. Having money problems? I know about it. Your neighbor has sex too loud? Better tell the landlady. Come by the office and I've stepped out for a minute? Better phone the office and leave a five minute complaint message about how you came by to pay your rent (18 days late) and no one was there (this happened yesterday) and how dare I put a default notice on your door and then not be there when you come in to pay? Reserve your student apartment in June and then break up with your boyfriend/roommate? Better have your mom call and complain about you not getting the security deposit back when you breached the contract. Tracked cherry stains all over your carpet? Better tell the landlady that you shouldn't be held responsible for it since the carpet was three years old.

ARGLEFARK!

I'm taking a vacation in a couple of weeks and I have a budget of about $850. Why does the idea of taking my kids and boyfriend somewhere sound more like torture than relaxation? I don't want to hear the bickering, the arguments, the constant drain on MOM. Why am I the only person capable of doing practically anything? I am so overwhelmed. I love my family, but I am so tired of the arguments. I feel like I am living with a house full of starving puppies, with each of them trying to get as much of the food for themselves as they possibly can. I guess in that analogy, I'm the puppy chow.

DOUBLE ARGLEFARK!

One of my nephew is a heroin addict, another is in a juvenile detention center, a third one has a stripper girlfriend and they drink every night.

Triple Arglefark!

My mom wrecked her car yesterday. She wasn't hurt, but the accident was her fault. She is very broke and not in a good situation to cope with this extra stress. She has insurance with a $500 deductible. Part of me feels like I should give her my vacation money. That might solve two problems.

Maternal Arglefark!

I have been working 9-10 hour days for a week and a half. I wish I had more paid time off. And health insurance.

Employment Arglefark!

The spell check DOES NOT like the word arglefark.

Phonemic Orthography Arglefark!

I saw the new Harry Potter movie on Friday and I thought it was an excellent movie BUT it really bothers me that it deviated from the book in what I feel were fairly significant ways. Also now that the series is done, it is done. Over. Finite. No more movies. No more books. Nothing to look forward to.

Anticlimactic Arglefark!

It has been raining. In July. Grey, cloudy skies. The whole country is having a heat wave and we're having a throwback to March weather.

Meteorological Arglefark!

Exercise or EXCUSEercise?

2011-07-18T09:18:00.000-07:00

I'm a walker and a cyclist. Every morning I walk my dog, Brody. We go for about 30 minutes at a park near my house. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I bike to work (7 miles round trip). On the weekends and in the evenings I often take another walk or ride my bike. I do it because it feels good and I want to. I never have to force myself to do it.

Now working out in a gym? That's another story. I've done it before, but right now I don't have the extra time or money for gym work outs.

Do you know what? It doesn't really matter what sort of activity I chose to do as long as I do it on a regular basis! I might have more muscle definition if I lifted weights or worked out in a gym, but from a health-benefit perspective, it is the doing that makes the difference rather than the activity!

So what do you ENJOY? Are you a runner? A walker? A swimmer? A dancer?

Are you trying to force yourself to do an exercise that you hate because you think you should? I read a lot of posts from people who talk about how they haven't exercised in ages because they don't have time or they have to get up at 2:00 AM or because they worry about what people think of them when they work out. I always wonder why they're trying to force themselves to do something that they don't want to do. Wouldn't it be better to do something you DO enjoy on a regular basis?

I think too often we select an exercise routine that we used to follow back when we were previously thin, but we often didn't have the same obligations then. We might have had more free time because we were in college or didn't have kids, spouses, mortgages, etc. But despite the evidence that it isn't realistic to attempt to embark on this routine, they pledge to do it four days a week, are unable to follow through, feel bad about it and do no form of exercise instead. They set themselves up for failure. And each week they pledge to start again, not recognizing that it isn't the right exercise for them.

So is your routine an exercise in excuse-making or is it the right activity for you? Only you can answer that, but if you are having to force yourself to do it and are constantly skipping because you can't quite squeeze it in, then maybe it is time to pick a different exercise routine. Maybe Nike had it right with the Just Do It slogan because the most important part of exercise is making it a regular part of your routine.

The 100 calorie principal

2011-07-12T14:21:00.000-07:00

A few months ago I read a great post and I wish I could remember who wrote it so I could credit it here. It was a thought provoking discussion on how easy it is to become overweight and obese. Basically the blogger explained that a person must consume an extra 3,500 calories above and beyond what their body needs to gain a pound. To gain one pound in a month, that works out to just over 100 calories a day (116.6 to be precise).

This has really stuck with me. I have started calling it the 100 calorie principal.

Think about it...If you gained a pound a month for a year, you'd be 12 pounds overweight. In five years, you'd be 60 lbs. overweight and possibly obese depending on your height. In a decade you'd be more than 100 lbs. overweight.

All this from just an extra 116.6 calories per day. As women we probably need 1,500 - 1,800 calories per day, depending on our activity level. That means that 1,616.6 to 1,916.6 calories per day could be a weight-gaining diet that would put us on track to obesity in less than ten years. That's less than three extra café mochas per week. Or an extra regular soda and a regular McDonald's cheeseburger per week. An extra 116.6 calories per day is NOTHING, really.

For many people simply getting older and the associated metabolism slow-down is all it takes. They eat the way they've always eaten, but find what used to be a weight-maintenance diet is now a weight-gaining diet. Or an injury may cause them to become less active than they've been in the past and they do not adjust their caloric intake accordingly.

The 100 calorie principal.

I find this significant because it demonstrates just how easy it can be to end up overweight and obese. Society assumes that fat people are gluttons, but would anyone consider it gluttony to have a couple of coffee drinks every week?

I didn't become fat stuffing my face with crap all the time. I actually ate pretty healthfully, but I ate too much. Both of my pregnancies left me about 40 lbs. overweight and the rest crept on over a few years. Yes, I did sometimes eat food that wasn't especially nutritious, but everybody does that at times.

It is easy to become overweight and obese. People need to understand that. The stigma associated with obesity doesn't help anyone and hurts all of us, fat or thin.

Perfect restriction...for me

2011-07-08T10:33:00.000-07:00

I read a post be the wonderful Amy W. yesterday about the elusive green zone. We talk a great deal about restriction here in Bandland. We've even heard that we shouldn't worry about restriction because that isn't what makes the band so effective. Despite that, for most of us the idea of restriction is a critical part of our understanding of the band. We want good restriction. We bemoan being too loose. We worry we'll never hit the sweet spot. We fret when we must have an unfill for some reason.

Let me tell you a secret: I have .7 ccs (point seven as in 7/10th of one ml.)in my band. Shhh....don't tell anyone. And guess what else: I'm perfect ally fine with it. How can that be? Doesn't that mean that I can eat bread and pasta and rice and pizza? Yes, I can eat all of those things. I can also take moderately big bites and I don't have to chew everything to the consistency of baby spit. I don't eat so slowly that the people I'm eating with are ready for their next meal by the time I finish my first one.

To be honest, I feel a little ashamed to admit these things. Not because they are shameful, but because I know that technically speaking that isn't exactly how the band is designed to work. I've heard people say that their surgeon's office tells them that they will never eat bread, rice, or pasta again. I've read many blogs where the writer is planning a fill BECAUSE they ate two pieces of pizza or they were able to eat a piece of bread.

I don't offer this information to suggest that my way is the best way. I just want to put it out there that there are different ways of viewing restriction. What I consider good restriction, you might consider bandster hell, but it works for me.

I think it comes down to eating behavior. I need my band to help me keep my portion sizes in check and that's what it does for me. Pre-band I would sit down to a meal with a full plate, clear it and get another plateful. I would happily munch away on several pieces of bread with my meal. At a restaurant I'd have a salad, bread, the entire entree, (diet) soda and possibly dessert. My meals were not necessarily made up of unhealthy foods, but they were definitely much too big. I didn't stop eating when I was physically full. Eating between meals wasn't really my problem. I didn't graze or snack all that much and I still don't. With the Lap-band, I cannot eat the same quantity of food. I physically cannot do it. I do not need the band to restrict the types of food that I eat. I do not believe that any foods need to be off-limits because I can't handle them. I do not believe in "good" or "bad" foods.

So that is what perfect restriction means for me. What is perfect restriction for you?

New Follower

2011-07-07T16:57:00.000-07:00

I hope you'll join me in checking out a (relatively) new blog. Robyn was banded in May and she's doing fantastically! She also very sweetly nominated me for an award. Thanks Robyn!

It's all in my head

2011-07-05T10:03:00.000-07:00

Good morning, Blogland! I hope you all had a wonderful weekend. I enjoyed being off work for three days and setting off fireworks with my kids. Oh yeah, I also realized that I'm still crazy.

Maybe crazy is too strong a word. I realized that my food/scale/weight obsession is still alive and well, despite losing 114+ lbs. in 17 months. Allow me to explain.

Last month I was rocking it. I was logging my food using My Fitness Pal. I lost four pounds over a month, which at this stage in the game is pretty amazing! I saw my lowest low, 165.6 (2.6 lbs. from a "normal" BMI, but who's counting?). And then one day, I stepped on the scale and I was up almost two pounds. WTF? My food and exercise had been spot-on. There was NO reason for the gain. Now this sort of thing is not completely unprecedented in my world so I told myself not to freak out. I kept logging and weighed again the following week. I was right about the same even though I did major physical activity one weekend when we re-roofed my house. Whatever.

I didn't freak out, although I wanted to. But I did feel my enthusiasm slip a bit. I stopped logging my food in My Fitness Pal. This isn't the end of the world for me. I consider logging to be optional at this point. I do it when I want to and I don't when I don't. My girls and I went away for the weekend and we ate out. I didn't go overboard, but I also wasn't super careful. When we came back I noticed I was feeling "weird" about the scale. My weigh-day came and I didn't get on. I was afraid that I would be up from all the restaurant meals. I kept thinking I'd weigh the next day. Then I had popcorn and I never weigh myself the day after eating popcorn. Then it was my BIL's birthday and I didn't want to weigh myself after eating cake. Then I went clothes shopping and I bought some cute new clothes, but one of the pairs of pants I bought without trying them on first didn't fit.

In my mind, I'd gained 100 lbs. I kept looking at my stomach and thinking I saw bulges where they hadn't been before. I felt fat. I was sure I'd gained, but too afraid to get on the scale. I wasn't eating badly. I tallied my calories most days and they were fine. Why wasn't I fine?

I got on the scale yesterday and I weighed 166.4. Not my lowest-low, but less than my last weigh in. Which make me wonder what the hell is wrong with my brain? Why can't I get over all this?

I have gone years without weighing myself because of this same scale phobia. Since WLS, however, I've weighed myself pretty consistently. I know I can't weigh more often than once a week, but I've generally wanted to weigh myself when weigh-day roles around. I felt pretty good about my progress up until this point. I felt much less obsessed with food and weight and the scale. I guess this is just a good reminder that I'm always going to have to work at this. I have made a lot of progress, amazing life-changing progress, but I am still the same person with the same struggles and demons that I've always had.

Stadium Seating

2011-06-29T09:33:00.000-07:00

Last night we went to an Eugene Emerald's baseball game. My seat happened to be next to a woman who was quite big. Whenever I find myself in stadium seats or movie theater seats, I'm always so happy to discover that I now fit with room to spare. I couldn't help notice, however, that the woman next to me was spilling out of her seat. As the game progressed, she commented about how uncomfortable she was. I agreed that the seat was not super comfortable, but my discomfort came from the fact that the seat was hard plastic and my not-so-padded behind offerred no cushion between the plastic and my fanny bones. We chatted a bit during the three-hour game and she mentioned she'd gone bowling that day and taken her dogs for a walk. I realized at some point that she was seeing me as a thin person and she was very mindful of how large she was. She wanted me to know that she wasn't lazy. She'd been exercising, after all. I wished there was some way to work into the conversation that I used to be fat so she wouldn't feel weird around me, but it didn't come up.

The game was fun. The Ems won 11-0. And I got a good reminder of where I came from and where I hope never to return to.

I can't comment...

2011-06-28T14:09:00.000-07:00

Have any of you had this problem? A couple of months ago no one could comment on Blogger and I have been having this problem again for a couple of weeks. I try to comment and it directs me to sign in. I sign in and then try to post my comment and it directs me to sign in again.

Ugh! Frustrating!

Stephanie - Hugs!

LD - Yeah for healthy babies! I didn't feel kicks with my first pregnancy until well after 20 weeks. I was worried, but it

Amy W. - I love you! No special reason. I just do!

Cat - Great tips! You're rocking it!

Now will someone please fix Blogger for me so I can comment?

Writing a weight-loss blog is like...

2011-06-28T10:37:00.000-07:00

...a chore? ...much more interesting when you're losing weight?

I used to write a few times a week. Actually for the first few months, I posted DAILY. I can't imagine having that much to say anymore. Losing weight was exciting and it gave me lots to write about. Maintaining weight is boring.

Lately I haven't been losing anything. It has been weeks and weeks since the scale went down. The lowest I've seen is 165.4. The week after I hit that number, I was back to 167.2 which is what I weighed on Friday. I was still logging my food when I had the gain and there was no reason for it. Pooh! I have been kind of discouraged since then. I even had some major activity like Father's Day weekend when we put a new roof on my house, but it didn't make any difference. Wah!

So other than that there isn't much going on in my food life except I have quit drinking soda again. I just don't like the way the carbonation feels in my stoma. It makes me feel like I constantly have to burp and then when I do burp, I get an icky taste in my mouth. So I've switched to ice tea. That doesn't make for a very interesting blog post, though.

My girls and I spent the weekend goofing around in Salem over the weekend. It was my first weekend off (other than roofing weekend) in several weeks. We had fun. We spent Saturday at Enchanted Forrest. Here's a picture of me:

The last time we were there was last August when I was just over 200 lbs. Here's a picture:

Binging...

2011-06-27T12:08:00.000-07:00

By 2:00 PM yesterday, I'd eaten over 2,000 calories. I had two bowls of Luck Charms, cheese and crackers, coffee and chocolate covered peanuts. Why was I eating like that? I'm not really sure. Maybe it was because my girls and I had been traveling for the weekend so the rules were "relaxed". Maybe it was just the stress of the last few weeks. Whatever it was, I quit eating after I tallied my calories and saw how much I'd eaten. I went for a bike ride. I drank a bunch of water. I think I'm over it.

In the past, I've had binges that lasted for days and days, weeks even. I've had periods of time where I didn't give my diet a thought for months, even years. I just ate whatever I felt like eating. I wasn't exactly binging, but I also wasn't eating due to hunger. This isn't the first time I've lost control since I had lap-band surgery, but luckily the events are few and far between. I also have been able to get back to my regular healthy behaviors pretty quickly. It is always a struggle for a couple of days post-binge because I have tons of cravings, but I will persevere. I'll get through it. I don't want to go back.

Test...test...test...Is this thing on?

2011-06-07T14:45:00.000-07:00

OMG!!! I haven't posted for so long and I haven't been able to read any of your posts either. I miss you guys! I'm not dead. I'm really busy with work. I am working 13 days straight and my first day off will be the day I start replacing my roof (weather permitting).

I'm still losing weight and tracking my food with My Fitness Pal. I'll try to write again soon!

Look how messy my bathroom is!

2011-05-25T11:32:00.000-07:00

I wrote about my little tee-shirts the other day. Here I am in my spaghetti-strap tee shirt that I wear under tight fitting shirts:

And here I am with my shirt over the tee, looking practically lump free!

Thank you for not judging me based on how messy my bathroom counter is!

Today was weigh-day and I hit a new low! 167.2 lbs. (75.8 kg.). That is just .4 lbs. (.18 kg.) from my last lowest low, but 2.2 lbs. (1 kg.) from my weigh-in last week when I was up a bit. So yeah!

I've been tracking my food using My Fitness Pal after several of you recommended it. I think I am resigned to having to track my food for the rest of my life or risk re-gaining. Even though I feel like I am staying on-track when I don't write things down, I always seem to experience trouble at the scale so I guess I'm a tracker. Oddly I didn't have to write things down most of the time I was losing. This is more of a maintenance thing for me. My Fitness Pal is kind of fun to use so I am okay with it for now.

I was thinking this morning about things I can no longer do since being banded. I can't usually sleep on my left side without hearing a bunch of gurgling. If I burp, the gurgling stops for awhile, but it comes back. I don't like to sleep on my back so I pretty much have to sleep on my right side. Annoying, but better than weighing 280 lbs. (127 kg.).

So how about you? Is there anything you can no longer do? Foods you can't eat?

Little tee shirt = little miracle

2011-05-23T12:47:00.000-07:00

That's not me

If you are like me, you probably have some extra skin around the middle that doesn't always lay right. And now that they use that flimsy fabric in shirts, the chance of muffin top showing through is pretty high. Enter the tiny spaghetti strap tee shirt.

I bough a pack at Costco and often wear a tee-shirt under my regular shirt to eliminate the extra bumps. It is a miracle how much difference an extra layer of cotton between my jeans and shirt can make!

Happy Monday!

Random Thursday

2011-05-19T13:17:00.000-07:00

The weather is beautiful today.  I wish I wasn't stuck in my office. My co-worker is taking a half-day so she just left. I'm watching her leave and feeling jealous! I feel like whimpering like a puppy. I.DON'T.WANT.TO.BE.HERE.

I signed up for My Fitness Pal and I am liking it so far. I used to use My-Calorie-Counter and it is pretty similar. It gives me so many extra calories when I enter my exercise. I don't plan on using them. Today it says I should be eating over 2,000 calories. Holy CRAP!!! I never eat that much. Just the thought scares me!

The scale hates me. I got on today just to torture myself and I was up even more than yesterday which is complete BOLLOCKS! There must be some water weight BS going on or something. I'm going to ignore it. I am eating just fine, thank you very much.

Thank you all for you support about my thieving daughter. I appreciate your ideas and suggestions and confirmation that we're doing the right thing. I know she's a good kid and I know she'll get over it. Honestly I never imagined how difficult parenting would be before I had kids. And it never occurred to me that I wouldn't know what to do so often. I do what I think is best, but I still see my kids making mistakes and suffering at times. I guess every parent comes to that realization.

Did I ever tell you about my friend and her two SUPER-KIDS? She has one daughter who is a soccer and basketball star. She plays both sports year-round and practices or has games (often multiple games) nearly every day. Their teams always win and they play up - compete against older children. The child is 9 and she is very smart and sweet, but I just can't help feeling sorry for how much pressure she's under. Their other child, an 11-year-old boy, isn't much of an athlete so they have steered him toward his interests which are drama and music. He plays piano and sings and just starred in a children's production of the Wizard of Oz. I love my friend very much. She and her husband are great people. I think I am jealous of how talented their kids are. My kids are just ordinary. My daughter also plays soccer, but her team loses sometimes. They've never been profiled on the local news.  My friend also just got a new job working 1/2 time and she is earning almost as much as she was at her full-time job that she just quit. Working 1/2 time is my DREAM! I am happy for her, but I can't help wish that my own situation was different. And a tiny little bit of me wishes the daughter's soccer team would lose a game. Is that wrong? Is it less-wrong if I tell you that they have two kids that used to be on my daughter's team?

I think I need a fill, but I probably won't get one any time soon. I don't have the money for one thing. For another I have decent restriction, but I am preoccupied with food. Is getting a fill a valid treatment for food preoccupation? I seldom thought about food before my un-fill a few months back. I'm also worried about the acid reflux coming back.

So I guess that's about it. I hope it is sunny where you're at. And I hope you can get out to enjoy it!

CURED!!!

2011-05-18T10:56:00.000-07:00

Do you ever just get tired of thinking about what you eat and what you weigh? I am really saick of it. It is so bad that I haven't even really been blogging, posting or reading. Won't there come a time when I can just announce that I'm cured and put it all behind me forever?

I haven't been tracking my food, but I think I should start again. I feel like I've been eating okay, but I didn't like my weigh in this morning so I guess I need to do something. Maybe I'll try a free on-line tracker. Does anyone have one they suggest?

The rest of my life has been...not fantastic. I have a lot of stressful things hitting me from every side. I don't want to bore you with all that, but I will mention one specific thing because I need some advice. My oldest daughter has had a history of stealing. She hasn't had any real issues for about a year, but her dad and I caught her last night with something in her bag that she had taken from my office. She first tried to lie and say a kid at school gave it to her. We knew she was lying, but she insisted so we told her we would be talking to her teacher and the child she fingered would be questioned. She went upstairs and returned a few minutes later to say she was lying and that she'd actually stolen the thing from my office. We appreciated her honesty.

In the past when she stole, we had her write letters of apology and she was grounded. The last time she had to perform five hours of chores during which time she was grounded and write an essay on why stealing is wrong. It has been a year since she's stolen so I guess we felt that the problem was solved. This time she's been grounded for the time it takes her to complete 10 hours of chores, she has to write a letter of apology and she has to donate a bag of her things to the Goodwill. What do you guys think? Does this seem appropriate? Does anyone have any ideas about teaching kids not to steal. My daughter is 10 years old.

Both her dad and I stole when we were her age and my sister's kids have been caught stealing. I know it isn't unusual, but obviously we want it to stop.

I don't want to write it down

2011-05-11T10:21:00.000-07:00

All of the sudden I don't feel like writing down my food. And I haven't done it in a week or so. I'm not sure if I should be concerned by my reluctance or if I should just accept it as a logical step.

I didn't write down my food most of the time I was actively losing weight. During the first couple months post-op, I kept track and then at the first of this year I started again because I had stopped losing.

I could either be lulling myself into a situation where I'll be eating too much or I could just be tired of keeping track and ready to spread my wings a bit.

What do you guys think? Do you write down your food? When do you think people should stop?

No Hangover

2011-05-04T10:46:00.000-07:00

A few of you hoped I didn't have a horrible hangover after my Monday night of debauchery. I'm sure you'll be interested to know that I've NEVER had a hangover. Ever. Not once. I've woken up drunk the next morning (not recently), but I've never been hungover. Weird, huh?
Today is my weigh-day and I am happy to report a loss of 1.4 lbs. (.6 kg.). This brings me to a total loss of 112.4 lbs. (51 kg.). I now weigh 167.6 lbs. (76 kg.). This is the biggest loss I've had in one week in a good, long time! My BMI is now 25.5 so I am still technically overweight for another 4.6 lbs. (2 kg.). I don't know if I'll ever get there, but I feel fine with where I'm at.

I've been thinking about perfectionism lately. I posted a comment on someone's blog yesterday and I realized that the things I was saying were things that related to perfectionism that sort of jived (jove?) with some of the things I've been trying to write about. I think the concept of perfectionism (or lack thereof) really explains where I'm at these days.

I used to be a perfectionist. I grew up in a loving, but very rigid household. When I was on my own in my teens and early 20's, I struggled with bulimia and feeling out of control much of the time. I had a very demanding job and my boss was a difficult man to work for. My coping mechanism was to attempt to follow a very rigid set of rules about food, appearance, exercise, work and pretty much everything else. When I deviated from these rules, I was "bad" and I punished myself in various ways. If it was food related, like I ate something I shouldn't eat, I would purge or starve or compulsively exercise. I was thin (118 lbs. (53.5 kg.) was my lowest low), but I was seldom happy. I couldn't meet my standards most of the time. My life was also very small. I didn't date much and I lived alone with my pets. I had some friends, but my relationships were very one-sided. I didn't let people get close to me so I had relationships with people who needed a lot of my attention, but there wasn't really anything left for me.

As I grew older I changed a great deal. Life became bigger. I met my husband and we got married pretty quickly. We lived in Mexico for a while and I made new friends there. I was still very reserved, but the bigger my life became, the more I realized how little control I really had of things. I hadn't engaged in bulimic behaviors for many years except the occasional binge. I weighed more, but I was a normal weight. I quit that job for the jackass boss which was one of the best things I'd ever done. And then I got pregnant.

Pregnancy and having a child opens your life like few things can. Just the process of being pregnant and giving birth puts a person into situations a reserved, control-freak like me would never otherwise have been in. Strangers see and know intimate details about your body. It is very obtrusive. But I didn't count on the fear. I worried and fretted about this new little creature I carried and birthed in ways you cannot imagine. I feared she would die in her sleep and if I thought about her, I would have to get up and check on her because I knew that if the worst ever happened, I'd never forgive myself if I had worried about her and NOT checked on her. But over time I learned to relax a bit. I started letting all those rigid rules loosen up. Because I realized that we're never 100% safe and in control. Nothing we can do will guarantee that we won't suffer and experience pain in this life. In fact I think we are pretty-much guaranteed that we will.

My world got even bigger. I had another daughter. People I loved died. I went back to college. I worked. I was active in church and relationships. Perfectionism and control became farther and farther from my day-to-day reality. Sure, I still like to do a good job. Yes, I did graduate college Magna Cum Laude with straight A's. I still expect a lot of myself and those around me, but I have adopted a philosophy of moderation rather than one of constant perfection. Because that is, of course, impossible and any control we think we have is an illusion.

How does this affect my relationship with food? Before WLS it didn't really affect it that much. I was still trying to do all the old things I'd done over the years that had worked to keep my weight normal, but didn't seem to be working any longer. Except for binging and purging. I gave that up a long time ago. But post-WLS, I begin to apply all of the things I'd learned over the years in my regular life about moderation and not beating myself up for mistakes. I eat all foods that I want and I've lost a lot of weight. Portion control was apparently my problem and the band takes care of that for me. I try to eat healthy foods most of the time, but I also eat what sounds good and I make room for treats. I watch my calories a bit, but I'm not anal about it. I don't have a calorie limit. I usually eat about 1,450 calories a day, but sometimes I eat more (like when I drink a bunch of beer).

I've noticed from reading these blogs that often times when people feel like they've eaten something "bad", they beat themselves up and have a difficult time reigning themselves in after the slip. Sometimes they'll talk about wanting to eat a specific food that they think is "bad" and then eating something else, but then eating a bunch of other foods afterwards. They weren't satisfied by the original thing they had because they wanted the "bad" food. So they eat and eat to try to feel satisfied or to punish themselves for the original "bad" desires. I can relate. Although my typical M.O. back in my bulimia days was to purge or starve after overeating, I sometimes continued binging as a means of self-punishment. Until I realized that if I just ate the stupid thing I wanted and let myself enjoy it, I could be satisfied. Duh.

Dang, this is a long post! If you're still with me, thank you. I am so happy with the place I'm at these days. I want to sing it from the rooftops that I have hope! I found a way out of the self-imposed misery I used to live in. I realize that what works for me may not work for you. We are all different. No one has walked the same path as me, but I hope that sharing my experiences may help you as a cautionary tale or a good example. Happy Wednesday!

Drinking and banding

2011-05-03T10:05:00.000-07:00

I got drunk last night. On a Monday. I should say I almost never drink. My fella is trying to get a job at a local brewery and he volunteers a lot of time there. Last night they had an event at a local pub so we went. I started with a beer and was very tipsy. After an hour or so my fella asked if I wanted another and I said no. He got me one anyway so of course I drank it.

I tried to eat to mitigate the damage.

I was seriously wasted. On two beers.

I looked online this morning and found an article about gastric bypass and alcohol. I don't know if any of the results that they discovered can be applied to gastric banding, but basically they found that RNY patients got drunk on less alcohol and stayed drunk longer post-op.

Interesting, no? Any thoughts?

I gained

2011-04-27T10:18:00.000-07:00

I'm up .4 lbs. (.18 kg.) this morning. This is not my first gain, but it is the first one I've honestly deserved. I mainly attribute it to the Easter candy and to eating three meals in a restaurant. I'm not too upset about it.

Actually the knowledge that I've lived the last 15 months of my life without a bunch of binges and overeating incidents is pretty amazing. I have certainly had times here and there where I ate things I didn't plan to eat or I've eaten (even overeaten) food in a compulsive manner, but overall I feel like I have changed my lifestyle to one where food plays a more normal role. That feels pretty good!

More than just generally being "good" around food, I think it is the fact that I follow a very realistic plan. I eat all foods in moderation. I try to eat "real" food instead of chemically modified sugar-free, fat-free foods. Nothing is off-limits. I eat pizza, bread, pasta, rice, dessert, whatever I want. I don't believe there is any such thing as "good" foods and "bad" foods and I don't think that eating a food that is less than nutritious makes a person "good" or "bad".

I'd even go so far as to say that when we judge ourselves in that way, we actually set ourselves up for failure and make it more difficult to stop the cycle of overeating, even when we really want to. We feel badly about ourselves because of our food choices, so we eat and then we feel worse and continue eating. Unrealistic goals are a part of this too. We vow to eat below a certain calorie number or exercise so many times or only do liquids or whatever and then when that doesn't work out, we may end up binging. I remember this cycle all too well from my pre-op days. I was always disappointed in myself or angry with myself for my food choices. I didn't understand that NEGATIVE REINFORCEMENT almost never brings about permanent change. It was only by learning to be kind to myself and be realistic about what I was going to eat that I could end the cycle.

And even though I gained, it wasn't because I was compulsively eating the entire week. I ate three restaurant meals in 24 hours. I ate rich foods that I don't normally eat. I didn't eat as much protein as I need. I still followed my basic plan of eating small quantities. I stopped when I'd had enough. Other than the run-ins with the Easter candy, I think I did a pretty good job. And the Easter candy part was a learning experience. I'm not ashamed of it. I hope I'll do better the next time I'm in a situation like that. I'm not going to beat myself up over it.

I'm curious how you deal with set-backs? Also how has your relationship with food changed?

My weekend in pictures

2011-04-26T10:40:00.000-07:00

Caelyn being silly

Bryn - She's like this all the time.

Easter Egg Hunt at church - the weather was SO beautiful!

We had to leave church and head to Caelyn's soccer game. They tied 0-0 in a very tough game!

Sunday morning. The weather was very different. Bryn hunting eggs at our house.

Caelyn finds an egg.

I felt really beautiful in my Easter dress until I saw this picture. I think I look terrible. I am thinking it is because my daughter took the photo and she is shorter than me so it is a bad angle. (That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!)

Easter dinner @ my mom's

Caelyn hunting Easter eggs at my moms. It was wet and cold.

Matthew and I snuck off after dinner and spent the night at the Oregon coast. Here's a picture in our room. We had a lovely view of the river and old town Florence.

Here I am.

Matthew being silly on the jetty. We saw sea lions playing in the river channel.

Here we are taking a self-portrait in front of the Pacific Ocean. It was very windy.

We got back into town in time to pick Bryn up from dance and then drop Caelyn off at dance and then pick her up and take her to soccer practice. Mondays are our busiest afternoon. We don't get home until almost 7:00 PM. Anyway I snapped this photo of a beautiful rainbow above the soccer field. I usually walk the track during practice.

All in all it was a very nice long weekend. I did have a little trouble with the Easter candy on Saturday when I was stuffing Easter eggs and again yesterday evening. I'm not really sure what to say about that. Overall my food was very good even though we ate in restaurants and had a big family meal at my mom's. I also got a LOT of extra exercise walking on the beach and walking around antique stores and doing stuff in the hotel room ;) I guess I'll have to wait and see what the scale has to say about it tomorrow. I don't normally eat food I don't plan to it so spontaneously shoving candy in my mouth is a bit unsettling, but it is what it is.

I hope you all had a great weekend too!

Happy Good Friday!

2011-04-22T11:33:00.000-07:00

The sun is shining and it is a beautiful day here in Eugene, Oregon. I have a three day weekend coming up and my fella and I are sneaking off to the beach Sunday night. I got the car's oil changed and I cleaned it out so we are ready! (This is a side note, but am I the only one who has a car that gets completely trashed? I mean like it smells like someone died in there and there's garbage and clothing and toys and CRAP that has to be scooped out with a shovel? Have you ever seen the show Hoarders? It's like that!)   Anyway, I am looking forward to the weekend. Tomorrow we have an Easter Egg Hunt at church followed by a soccer game. In the evening they'll be an Easter vigil service and of course Sunday morning Easter service. Then Easter dinner at my mom's and off we go to the beach for the night!

I am having a great deal of anxiety about SPENDING MONEY. Does that ever happen to you? I'm trying to save money, but it has been ages since the fella and I went anywhere alone (except the grocery store). My sister pointed out yesterday that I used to EAT to cope with anxiety and now I don't really have an outlet for it. I have noticed that my anxiety has really increased lately.

I've been reading blogs this morning and several people are talking about needing a fill. I had an un-fill a couple of months ago and I now have less than a cc in my 4cc band. And you know what? It is just about perfect!  This level of restriction means I can eat whatever I want, but I get full at the appropriate level and must stop. No foods are off-limits. I just can't eat too much of anything. It is PERFECT! I have noticed that I think about food more than I did before, but so far I am coping with that. I'm also glad that the acid reflux is under control. I think I'm a little afraid of getting a fill and having to cope with that again. I still sometimes can tell that there is stomach acid in my stoma. I can feel the sloshing and have to burp to feel normal. It bothers me the most when I try to sleep on my left side. I am occasionally taking previcid to stop the sloshing. Has anyone else experienced this? It is kind of weird!

I still haven't progressed on my roof project. I got a material price list yesterday. It will be $3,200 in materials to do the entire roof. With what the insurance company gave me, I'd only have $1,000 left over to pay my BIL and nephew to do the work. I asked if it was worth it to them and I haven't heard back yet so I guess I'm just waiting.  Plan B is to hire a roofer to replace the damaged half of the roof. The money from the insurance company should cover that, but then of course I'd eventually have to replace the other half so this is not the ideal option. Can you see why I'm stressed about money? My tenants will be out at the end of the month and the new ones move in (hopefully) the next day. There are things that could go wrong in that scenario too.

Anyways...that's what is going on. I still don't know if my sister is moving away. Happy Easter!

169 and feelin' fine!

2011-04-20T09:40:00.000-07:00

Weighed in this morning and I stayed the same - 169 lbs. (76.7 kg.). I might have lost a few ounces if I hadn't had popcorn last night after dinner. Those 100 calorie snack bags of popcorn are my go-to food when I want something to much on. I made it before I remembered I was supposed to weigh in this morning. I don't usually eat popcorn the night before a weigh in. Anyways...maybe I'll get on the scale tomorrow morning just for fun and see if I get a different reading. I'm actually okay with the scale reading. It has been bouncing around so much in the last couple of months (down a bit, up a bit, up a bit more, down a bit = no net change), it is kind of nice to see the SAME number week after week.

I've been drinking water like a mad woman. I drink cold tap water from my super-cool metal water bottle. Here's a picture:

Now here's a picture of all the stairs I have to climb to go pee 50 times a day at work:

Here's some reasons I copied from some random website why drinking water is so important:

Top 11 Health Benefits of Drinking Water

You will be amazed of the benefits of drinking water as follow:

1.Lose weight: Drinking water helps you lose weight because it flushes down the by-products of fat breakdown. Drinking water reduces hunger, it’s an effective appetite suppressant so you’ll eat less. Plus, water has zero calories. Here are the further details on how to achieve fat loss by drinking water.

2.Natural Remedy for Headache: Helps to relieve headache and back pains due to dehydration. Although there are many other reasons contribute to headache, dehydration is the common one.

3.Look Younger with Healthier Skin: You’ll look younger when your skin is properly hydrated. Water helps to replenish skin tissues, moisturizes skin and increase skin elasticity.

4.Better Productivity at Work: Your brain is mostly made up of water, thus drinking water helps you think better, be more alert and more concentrate.

5.Better Exercise: Drinking water regulates your body temperature. You’ll feel more energetic when doing exercises and water helps to fuel your muscle.

6.Helps in Digestion and Constipation: Drinking water raises your metabolism because it helps in digestion. Fiber and water goes hand in hand so that you can have your daily bowel movement.

7.Less Cramps and Sprains: Proper hydration helps keep your joints and muscles lubricated, so you’ll less likely get cramps and sprains.

8.Less Likely to Get Sick and Feel Healthy: Drinking plenty of water helps fight against flu and other ailments like kidney stones and heart attack. Water adds with lemon is used for ailments like respiratory disease, intestinal problems, rheumatism and arthritis etc. Another words one of the benefits of drinking water can improve our immune system. Follow this link for further information on how lemon water can improve your health.

9.Relieves Fatigue: Water is used by the body to help flush out toxins and waste products from the body. If your body lacks of water, your heart, for instance, need to work harder to pump out the oxygenated blood to all cells, so are the rest of the vital organs, your organs will be exhausted and so are you.

10.Good Mood: Your body feels very good and that’s why you feel happy.

11.Reduce the Risk of Cancer: Related to the digestive system, some studies show that drinking a healthy amount of water may reduce the risks of bladder cancer and colon cancer. Water dilutes the concentration of cancer-causing agents in the urine and shortens the time in which they are in contact with bladder lining.

It's a bullet kind of day...

2011-04-19T10:59:00.000-07:00

I had a health exam on Saturday and it looks like I'm pretty healthy. I went to a free clinic so I didn't see someone who knew much about the Lap-band, but they were duly impressed with my progress. When he palpated my stomach, I had to explain what he was feeling when he came across the port. It was kind of funny. My blood pressure was 122/76 which is about as perfect as you can get! He did say my potassium was slightly low so I'm wondering if any of you have knowledge about that. I've done some internet research (read: I now know the worse-case scenario for low potassium) and one thing that stood out to me was that it was associated with WLS and could be due to malnutrition. It can also cause lethargy and I'd have to say that if there was any one thing that I'd complain about health-wise, it is that I am practically always tired even though I get plenty of sleep. Also there were ketones present in my urine which he said is related to dramatic weight-loss. So please tell me what you guys know about this stuff.
My sister/co-worker might be moving away. Her husband is being aggressively recruited by a company that wants to pay him $40,000 a year MORE than he's making now plus better benefits and a housing allowance. The catch is they'd have to move to different cities for jobs that last 10 months to a year. So they're looking at renting out their house and taking their kids out of school. It is weird to think about them not being here. Our lives are so intertwined. I really cannot even imagine it. I think it would be a great opportunity for them, but it would be very sad for me.
I really need to figure out what I'm doing with my roof. I do not usually have issues with indecision and getting things done, but I'm having trouble getting a plan going. The question is if I should just hire someone to repair the damaged places (basically one half of the roof) or if I should try to do the entire job. I have a few people who I think would help, but I need to talk to them. I hate asking people to do things for me.
It is SUNNY!! After weeks and weeks of grey skies and rain every day, (Seriously - it rained EVERY single day in March. They wrote about it in the newspaper. You must know that when they are writing articles about rain in OREGON, it is really, really wet.) we are now enjoying blue skies and sun for at least the next several days. I'm really affected by the weather, mood-wise and am SO HAPPY to see the sun! I just wish it would warm up 'cuz it is COLD! Our low was 38 F. (3 C.) and the high is just 58 F. (14 C.).
I feel really disconnected from Blogland these days.
I weigh-in on Wednesday and I don't know what to expect. I've been eating fine, but the scale has been so random the last couple of months that I am afraid of what I'll see there.
My daughter had a sleep-over birthday party Saturday night and we had eight extra little girls in the house. I don't feel like I had much of a weekend.
Easter is Sunday. This is Holy Week. We'll be at church A LOT this week.
My fella and I are going to sneak off to the beach on Sunday night. I love where we live. We are one hour from the Pacific Ocean, one hour from several ski resorts, 20 minutes from several great forest-y places for hiking, 5 minutes from the Willamette River. Oregon is a beautiful place (other than the months and months of rain)!

That last point has inspired me to include some pictures of Eugene, Oregon so you can get a feel for our city.

Autzen Stadium - The home field of the University of Oregon Ducks. I can see the outside of Autzen stadium from one of my two offices.

The Matthew Knight arena (Why yes, Nike founder Phil Knight does contribute a lot of money to UO athletics. Why do you ask?). This is where the basketball teams play. My campus office is right across the street from this arena.

My girls on the bridge over the Willamette River

My kids meeting a harbor seal in Florence, Oregon

Carrying a watermelon into the BBQ

2011-04-14T11:25:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted for awhile. A lot is going on. I am overwhelmed and stressed out. I don't know how to talk about my worries so I haven't posted. Yesterday I felt like I was going to explode for a variety of reasons, but one of the things that kept setting me off was that people were calling my cell phone.

I know I'm not the only one in Blogland who suffers from social phobia. I consider mine to be pretty minor in comparison to others who've shared their experiences. But my issues still get in my way sometimes, especially when I'm already overwhelmed.

I have been dealing with the insurance company about my roof and that's been fine, but it really irritates me that the agent insists on calling me on my cell phone in response to my email. If I email you, you should email me back. Don't call. Don't stop by. Click "reply". It is really simple. Because I cannot cope with speaking to you right now. When I am overwhelmed, it helps to have email to refer back to for details of our conversations.

I have a new tenant lined up for my duplex. I live in half and rent the other half out. So in addition to picking out my tenant, I'm also picking out my neighbor. It is overwhelming. My fella isn't happy with my choice. I say choice, but really fair housing laws don't permit me to "chose" someone. I have to accept the first qualified applicant, even if they aren't my first choice. So now if there are any problems, I'll never hear the end of it from the fella. Great. I also told my new tenant not to call my cell phone and to call my office or the property manager. She "stalker called" me three times in a row and didn't leave a message.  I was driving and am prohibited by law from answering my cell phone. Annoying.

You are probably wondering about the title of this post. It refers to my first memory of my social phobia. We went to my best friend's family's house for a BBQ. My mom gave me a watermelon to carry in. I was about six and the idea of walking up to the door while holding a watermelon petrified me. I was afraid they'd answer the door and say, "Why are you bringing a watermelon?". What if we had the wrong day?  It was irrational, but I often have those overwhelming feelings when I must deal with people or answer the phone. And it gets worse when I'm overwhelmed.

I feel like burying my head in the sand. Work is so busy. I have a bunch of church obligations in the next week. It was my daughter's birthday Tuesday and she's having her friends over Saturday night. My other daughter has two soccer games this weekend. She had a dance recital this morning at 8:00 AM.

I hate complaining in my blog. You guys are always so sweet and your comments really make me feel better, but then I feel bad for burdening you. I know you all have your own problems and issues. Sometimes you've contacted me by email or sent me something to cheer me up and I feel even worse for bothering you. I have written before about my "shit or get off the pot" mindset when it comes to complaints. I expect myself to either do something differently or quit complaining about things. But I also feel bad for not blogging. It helps me to process what's going on. So here you go - This is me today. I'm carrying the watermelon into the BBQ and feeling embarrassed and overwhelmed.

Dear Cadbury Creme Eggs, I love you!

2011-04-08T09:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Cadbury Creme Eggs, I love you...

...maybe a little too much!

This is my new go-to weekend dessert, at least until Easter. One of the ways I keep my calories in check is by restricting my desserts to weekends only. I eat a carefully measured serving each day of the weekend and I chose something I really, really love. Right now I'm having a little affair with these delicious babies!

Feeling Bandtastic

2011-04-07T10:37:00.001-07:00

First of all, what a great blog name! Feeling Bandtastic was recently banded and could use some support. Stop by and tell her Amanda sent you.

111

2011-04-06T10:05:00.000-07:00

I've lost 111 lbs. (50.3 kg.). I have finally made it out of the 170's and now weigh 169 lbs. (76.7 kg.). Isn't 111 a great number? It is almost magical with all those ones!

My BMI is 25.7. I am 6 lbs. (2.7 kg.) from a "normal" BMI.

I was in the 170's since December 17, 2010. That's almost 4 months. At that rate, it will take me a good long time to lose those 6 lbs.

I can't describe how frustrating it has been to weigh in and see the scale going up, going down, staying the same week after week. I think the most disappointing thing about it is that I always thought that I'd be able to add some calories to my maintenance diet, but it is looking like my current diet is very close to a maintenance diet so that probably won't happen. I am eating the same way I've been eating through this entire process and my caloric intake has stayed pretty consistent most of the time. 50 lbs. ago I was losing 1-2 lbs. a week every week. I never had unexplained gains. I began to rely on the consistency. Now I feel like I don't know what to expect and it is unsettling. Last night I was so stressed about weighing myself this morning that I ate a bunch of toffee covered peanuts that I didn't plan to have and I woke up in the middle of the night and lay there worrying for 45 minutes.

I thought by this stage in the game I'd be less neurotic about my weight.

But really I am feeling pretty good about where I'm at. I'm happy to finally be out of the 170's. Other than my mini-peanut binge last night, I'm feeling good about my food.

So I am sending you 111 happy Wednesdays! Have a wonderful day!

New blogger

2011-04-05T13:32:00.000-07:00

Chic Chat was just banded a couple of weeks ago and could use some support! She's already lost 15 lbs. and is back to work. Tell her Amanda sent you!

There's so much going on!

2011-04-05T10:54:00.000-07:00

I don't know where to begin! Life has been having its way with me. I am doing my best to hang on. Work is busy. My tenants are moving out of my rental property. I'm afraid of the scale. I still haven't started on my roof. My youngest daughter's birthday is NEXT week and I have planned NOTHING.

I've barely blogged. I've barely read blogs. If I am reading, I should be doing other things. My house looks like a bomb went off.

Remember how I was all excited last week about exercising a bunch extra? Well, Matthew fixed his car (after being parked about 15 months) and so now I'm just doing my "normal" exercise. I feel like a slug. Yesterday I had a meeting at church and I thought about riding my bike, but I decided against it. It was raining...excuse, excuse. I was a slug. Yes, I'm still walking every morning and riding my bike to work twice a week, but I pretty much quit doing all the extra stuff.

I'm afraid of the scale. Like irrationally afraid. I've lost weight consistently following the same food plan I am following, but for the last month my weight has bounced around. Last week I was down slightly, but I'm afraid to get on the scale tomorrow. I hate that it still has so much power over me.

My tenants are moving out. I am trying not to freak out. I need to get it re-rented very quickly. Ack! Please say a little prayer that I get great tenants/neighbors (I live next door). I can't afford to lose any rent or spend a bunch of money on repairs and renovations.

Work is getting crazy. Stupid job. Why can't I be paid to read and write blogs all day? I'd be perfect for that job! Allergan? Are you reading this? I have your product installed in me and I've lost all my extra weight? Hire me to read and write blogs!

Okay...I better get back to work!

Healthy

2011-03-31T11:26:00.000-07:00

I feel healthy. I feel like I'm not just doing a bunch of stuff temporarily. I feel like this is now my lifestyle. I'm now a skinny, active person who eats pretty well, doesn't (normally) obsess about food and likes myself.

It is a great feeling! I spent years of my life doing things I knew were not good for my body. I have been obese. I've been a smoker. I've been bulimic. I've beat myself up and hated myself for not being the person I knew I wanted to be, that I knew I could be. Over the years I quit smoking, quit binging, quit purging and now I've quit overeating. I've always been pretty active, but now I seek out opportunities to exercise every day and I want to do it.

I feel better at age 37 than I did at 27 or even 17. I think I am healthier than I've ever been in my life!

I wish you could have known me before just for comparison's sake. Let's just say I was a hot mess. I'm not perfect now - far from it, but I am happy with where I'm at.

And that, my friends, is pretty amazing!

A new low!

2011-03-30T10:09:00.000-07:00

Okay, don't laugh at me, but I am jumping up and down today because I saw a new low on the scale this morning: 170.6 (77.4 kg.). Yes, I realize that is only .2 lbs. (.1 kg.) less than my last low which I saw on 3/9/11 so yes, I realize that I am excited that it took me 21 days to lose that .2 lbs. Yes, I know that many of you can sneeze and lose .2 lbs. Let me have my moment, okay?

Because it has been unbelievably frustrating the last couple weeks to see the scale bouncing around. If it was staying in one place, I probably would have felt okay about it, but I saw gains of 1 lb. (.5 kg.) and then 2 lbs. (.9 kg.) despite the fact that I was exercising more and eating normally.

I have been kicking ass in the exercise department! I have done my normal daily routine of walking my dog for 30 minutes and my normal weekly routine of commuting to work by bicycle on Tuesday and Thursday, but in the last few weeks I have found tons of other opportunities to exercise. Here's what I've done in the just the last few days:

Friday  - Walk 30 minutes
               Skate 60 minutes

Saturday - Walk 40 minutes
                 Bicycle 60 minutes (pulling 55 lb kid and 30 lb. trailer bike plus heavy backpack and oldest daughter's bag)
                 Clean house 60 minutes

Sunday - Walk 30 minutes
                Bathe dog 20 minutes
                Clean house 30 minutes

Monday - Walk 55 minutes

Tuesday - Walk 30 minutes
                 Bicycle 40 minutes

Today - Walk 30 minutes
              Bicycle 20 minutes

It seems like practically every day, I've added extra exercise. I feel really healthy. I think I am healthier physically and emotionally than I've ever been in my life! Not just from exercising and getting my weight under control, but also I no longer have the constant compulsion to overeat and subsequent feelings of shame and self-loathing about my behavior.

I'm going to close with a picture of my youngest daughter who broke her arm while roller skating on Friday. She got her cast today (she's been in a splint). Here it is:

Dang! I want to EAT!

2011-03-29T14:48:00.000-07:00

I am not hungry, but all I can think about is food today. I've been looking at the clock and calculating how long until my next meal. Sigh!

So glad every day isn't like this!

Snack Lunch

2011-03-25T09:59:00.000-07:00

I don't usually eat snacks. I just am not hungry for them and the extra calories don't do my diet any favors. But I love snack foods and I have them around because my kids eat snacks. So every once in a while I have a "snack lunch" and eat my favorite snacks instead of a proper lunch.

Today my snack lunch is:

honey-roasted peanuts - 280 calories, 8 grams protein
4-Cheese Cheese Its - 150 calories, 4 grams protein
string cheese - 70 calories, 8 grams protein

I plan to eat them through the course of the afternoon in true "snacking"-style and I'm looking forward to it.

What do YOU do to keep your food-plan interesting?

Lap-band basics

2011-03-23T11:03:00.000-07:00

My brain is on Spring Vacation this week so I thought I would re-post something that I originally wrote in July 2010.

I have some new followers and it seems there are a bunch of newbies in Bandland so I thought I would invite the rest of us (the "old-bies") to share some wisdom. I have found myself making comments on some posts of late and saying essentially the same things. Which is probably more of a reflection on me than on others, but here we go anyway, in no particular order:

1) I believe that the lap-band works because it encourages behavior that mimics so-called "normal" eating behavior. Specifically the lap-band requires one to BE MINDFUL while eating, TAKE SMALL BITES, CHEW THOROUGHLY and EAT SLOWLY.

2) Diets don't work, at least not for me. I have heard that somewhere in the neighborhood of 95% of all diets FAIL. I bet that figure is higher for the obese. Most people assume that it is the dieter that fails, but I don't believe that. I think the entire system is flawed to begin with. Naturally thin people don't diet. They eat what they want, in moderation. They eat when they are hungry. They stop when they are full. Some of them exercise and some do not.

3) Diets make people gain weight in the long-term. We have all experienced this. Statistically most people who diet and lose weight eventually re-gain that weight. And then some. One could even make the argument that if your ultimate goal is to make someone obese, you should put them on a diet.

4) There are no such things as "good" foods and "bad" foods. Yes, some foods carry greater nutrition than others. But food just is. We are the ones who identify it as "good" or "bad" and think, "I shouldn't be eating this." or "Man, I should ONLY be eating this." The funny thing about humans is that we have a tendency to covet that which is forbidden. From Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden to me on my last diet longing for a bowl of Cherry Garcia Ben & Jerry's (and every illicit love affair, corrupt politician and heist both big and small in between), mankind has wanted what it could not have.

Which is not to suggest that we should eat whatever we want all the time. No one can do that except maybe teenage boys, but the best, most healthful diet, is one of moderation.

5) Satisfaction is really important. I ate food for 20 years of my life and NEVER allowed myself to truly enjoy it. I ate as much as I could until my brain started shouting at me that I was a pig and then I stopped. I was never satisfied, never had "enough", because food and eating were about shame and frustration and defiance, not about nourishing my body.

6) We have to reclaim the innate ability to recognize hunger and satiety. Every baby is born knowing when they are hungry and when they are full. Very quickly the rest of the world becomes involved in attempting to change how those things are perceived. Parents want the baby on a feeding schedule for their convenience. Children that cling to their innate sense are labeled "picky eaters". We don't celebrate that they recognize that their hunger is satisfied by a tablespoon or two of food. Instead we lament that they are hungry every hour and try to get them to eat more at mealtimes. We teach our children to eat in a certain way. This happens to every child, thin or fat. But to those who eventually grow up to have a weight problem, something else occurs. At some point, either external or internal forces cause that person to believe that they need a diet to tell them what and when and how much to eat. But what we really needed was to learn how to eat according to the needs of our body. The diet actually makes it worse because it teaches us that we require some external force (the diet) to tell us these things. We become further alienated from our internal sense of hunger and satiety. Eventually eating becomes about everything but hunger and satiety. It is about soothing jagged emotions or entertaining ourselves when bored, but not about nourishing our bodies. And the thing is that if you are eating for any reason other than nourishing your body, it is nearly impossible to become satisfied. So we keep eating.

As you can probably tell, I am really passionate about these issues. I hate that we live in a world that says that if you aren't thin, you are a second-class citizen. I hate that my own self-esteem is wrapped up in these same ideals. I hate that I walk into a room and size myself up against the other fatties and that I read posts from Bandsters who started smaller than I was at the beginning and I judge them for it. But I don't regret that it took the lap-band for me to begin coming to grips with all of this stuff. Much of it I knew before I was banded, but I couldn't figure out how to implement it in my life. To me the idea of quitting dieting was an excuse to binge. I believed all foods were equally valid, were "good", but I couldn't get the hang of the moderation part of it. I needed the lap-band to teach me to mimic the naturally thin behaviors that I listed in #1.

So please, for the newbies and the old-bies, share your wisdom. You don't have to have a lap-band to participate. An opinion and a brain will suffice.

Why it doesn't always suck to share a car

2011-03-21T11:52:00.000-07:00

2010 was a bad year at my house. My fella was out of work for the entire year. Things started breaking down and we couldn't repair or replace them. Important things like our second car, the microwave, the vacuum cleaner. Unnecessary things like our hot tub, my daughter's DVD player, our living room TV. Luckily I make decent money and could pay all the bills. But "extras" like meals out, coffee drinks, books, movies, birthday parties, vacation, health insurance were pretty-much out unless they could be done on the cheap.

He got a very part-time job at a farm in December, but they didn't really have work for him until March. In January he got another very part-time job as a parking lot attendant during events at the Matthew Knight Arena. Last week he started a third very part-time job at another farm. So basically he has three part-time jobs. We aren't behind on any bills or anything (in fact I paid off two debts in December and January) so now we're starting to save money to fix the second car.

We really need two cars! I work full-time and both my daughters are in school and do sports. Neither of Matthew's two farm jobs are in Eugene so when he's working, he needs the car. So I ride my bike. I normally commute by bicycle twice a week (my job requires a fair bit of running around so I can't bike-commute every day), but last week I also rode my bike to my satellite office on Friday (about 6 miles round trip) and then Saturday morning my youngest daughter and I rode our bikes to pick my oldest daughter up at her dance lock-in and then all three of us rode home (another 6 miles). And you know what? It was fun to get so much extra bike time in! I really like riding my bike and even though it is definitely more convenient to drive, it is nice to be outside. I also like how it simplifies my life. After all, I can't go running all around town so easily by bike.

But do you know what I can't figure out about bike riding? When I was a kid, I loved it when my dad took me for a bike ride. He probably only went with me a hand full of times during my entire childhood, but I coveted those opportunities! I used to pass my days riding up and down the street, around the block, around the neighborhood. Then and now, I couldn't get enough cycling! But my kids COMPLAIN about riding bikes. They haven't always, but lately it is like pulling teeth. Maybe it is because the weather is crappy, but it is driving me crazy!

Happy Friday!

2011-03-18T09:57:00.000-07:00

I didn't lose any weight this week. I am thinking this might be it for me, weight-loss wise. I am not really sure what to think about that to be honest. I am seven lbs. (3.2 kg.) from a normal BMI and that has been my aspirational goal, but I have already hit my goal weight. In fact I've lost nearly an additional 10 lbs. (4.5 kg.) from my goal.
I am wearing a size 10 jeans and size medium shirts. I look pretty good. I feel healthy and thin. I am ready to invest in a new wardrobe (mentally ready if not financially).

I have complained several times about still being in the 170's (77 kg.) and a few have called me out on it and rightfully so. 109.4 lbs. (49.6 kg.) ago I would have given just about anything to be where I am today. So why am I not satisfied?

I know that part of the problem is that I have NEVER weighed the same thing from month to month, year to year. I was always losing or gaining, even during the years I was a "normal" weight. I don't know what maintaining my weight looks like or what it means for me. I like the idea of never dieting again, but I know I still have to watch it or the weight could come back. I think I need to shift my mentality from losing to maintaining, but I'm not sure how to do that.

I've written before about how important satisfaction is when it comes to food and eating. I think I overate for decades and seldom, if ever, felt satisfied. Sure, I was often physically "full", but I always, always wanted to keep eating. I never finished eating and thought, "I feel great. I don't want another bite.". I stopped eating when my brain told me to knock it off, "You've had enough, Fatty!". I stopped eating because I felt guilty about continuing. I stopped because I'd exceeded the quantity I could get away with eating, either in the eyes of society or in my own perception.

Since banding I do generally feel satisfied when I'm done eating. I think it is because I eat slower and am aware as I eat. I can't mindlessly shovel food in anymore. I think about how each bite feels going in and I savor and enjoy it. Sometimes I want to keep eating, but I don't because I know it won't turn out so well. I listen to my band which I consider a part of my body now. So I listen to my body and it is satisfying to do that. I also chose foods I want to eat. I don't deprive myself of the foods I love, but I do make them "special" if they are treats. I typically only eat sweets at certain times and in limited quantities. I have been known to turn off the TV when I'm enjoying them so I can think about the taste of each bite. I also chose treats that I really love, like good chocolate. For me it is satisfying to eat in this way.

I think it is interesting that while I am now generally satisfied with food, I am having difficulty being satisfied with my weight loss. I think what I am really struggling with is being satisfied with myself. Can I really accept that I've done everything I can in this area? I know I'm not perfect, but I've done my best given my resources and circumstances. Not the best, but my best. Can I accept that?

Because the thing is I am happy with where I'm at, weight-wise, appearance wise, clothing size-wise. What I'm not happy with is the fact that the number on the scale isn't moving anymore. I've grown accustomed to seeing that number go down, down, down. It is like a drug. I get on the scale and I feel good about myself. Only now I don't feel so good about myself because the number isn't moving and I'm not getting any smaller.

I once weighed 119 lbs. (53.9 kg.). I am 5'8" (172 cm.) so my BMI was 18.1 which is underweight. I wasn't satisfied with that weight either. I know that I could continue to lose weight and never feel good about where I was at. This problem exists in my mind. It isn't a physical issue. And I'm not really sure what to do about that.

I cannot eat if I have to pee

2011-03-16T12:53:00.000-07:00

Since being banded, I now have to pee before I eat. I don't want to sit down to a meal and not be able to enjoy it 100%. I think it has to do with being mindful when I eat, a skill that I think helps with band success. I am aware of each bite and aware of how my body feels as I eat, more than I ever have been.

I'm still in the 170's.

Oh, and rain is getting into my daughter's bedroom through our messed up roof. I am trying to borrow an extension ladder so I can get it covered up.

Beware the Ides of March!

2011-03-15T10:11:00.000-07:00

Thanks for coming to my pity party yesterday. I appreciate all your suggestions and thoughts. I am going to run the roof repair through my insurance company. I am hoping they'll give me enough money to replace the roofing on that entire half of the house and my plan is to do the work myself. I do have some reservations about this because I have only been on that part of my roof once and it was terrifying to me to be so high up. I actually couldn't even get off the ladder. I've also never done an entire project like that myself. When I worked for my dad as a teenager, I'd do things like "feed" him the shingles that he'd nail down so he could stay in one spot while I schlepped the shingles over to him. Any time I placed and nailed the shingles myself, I never did the areas around vents and the ridge cap so I'll have to figure that out, but I think it will all come back to me.

Anyways...despite my un-fill, my restriction has been pretty good. I fill up pretty quickly, just like before the un-fill. I was fairly hungry on Thursday last week, but I haven't been hungry since. My fill doc said she'd do a re-fill for me for $50 (instead of the normal $180) if I went back within 30 days of the un-fill so I'm going to have to decide if I need more or not.

Also you'll notice that I turned off my CAPTCHA for commenting. As long as you guys promise not to leave me a bunch of spam, I'll leave it off because I hate those stupid things.

It's Monday again

2011-03-14T13:58:00.000-07:00

Well, I had a craptastic weekend! Yesterday we had a wind storm here in Oregon and I lost about 1/3 of the shingles off of my roof. I sure could have done without that! Actually other than that, the weekend was pretty nice.

In better news, my sister's sister-in-law gave me a bunch of clothes last week. This person has always been someone I looked at and thought she had a great figure. I can't believe that I am SMALLER than she is! Not all of the clothes she gave me fit, but several pieces do.

Back to my roof...I called my dad (who used to be a roofer). I don't really have any handy-man in my life other than him. As soon as I told him what was going on (that the wind was ripping the shingles off my roof), he said he was sorry, but he didn't have time to help me. I know I am a grown up and I know he just started a new job and I know he just got remarried in October BUT I feel really let-down. He knows I don't have anyone else to help me and I don't have any money to hire someone. I know it would be a hassle for him, but he does have the time. I never ask him for anything. He didn't pay for my wedding or my education. The one time that I borrowed money from him as an adult, I paid him back and that was, oh, 20 years ago. So I am disappointed, to say the least.

Oh, and I almost forgot! I wrote one of my clients a check out of a closed account! Oops! I feel like an idiot.

Hello, hunger. It's been a while.

2011-03-11T09:24:00.000-08:00

I wrote yesterday morning about how things hadn't changed too much since Saturday's un-fill, restriction wise. As if on cue, hunger made a reappearance yesterday afternoon with a vengeance.

Hunger.

It scares me. I'm surprised how much it scares me. I knew I hadn't really been hungry for a good long time, but I've never really thought too much about how that factors into restriction and feeling in control with food. Plus it is pretty easy to keep the calories down when I don't need afternoon snacks.

Did I mention I promised to take my kids to Izzy's tonight for dinner? You know Izzy's? Binge-central. All-you-can-eat pizza and carbs and soda and dessert? I've only eaten there once since being banded and I couldn't eat much. It wasn't a big deal. It was interesting to watch the morbidly obese people eat and eat and eat. And now I'm hungry and I probably don't have much restriction and I'm going to Izzy's. Yep, I'm afraid all right.

I went grocery shopping last night and bought snacks for myself. I stocked my desk drawer and office refrigerator with Fiber One bars and string cheese and nuts. I packed a light lunch so I could factor both a snack and a trip to Izzy's into a moderate calorie day.

Realistically I'm probably not going to lose any weight until I get another fill. I know I'm going to need snacks and that will add an extra 100 - 250 calories per day to my food plan. I probably won't see the 160's for another two to four weeks.

So close yet so far.

Post Un-Fill Update

2011-03-10T10:01:00.000-08:00

As I previously reported, I had an un-fill on Saturday. I'm not sure how much I have in my band at the moment, but I think it is less than 1 cc. As you can imagine, I was pretty nervous about losing my restriction, but so far, I haven't seen any real difference except for I'm not gagging all night on stomach bile. I have only felt slightly hungry once, last night, when we had pancakes at church and I ate about an hour later than normal. The lack of hunger is pretty consistent with how I felt before the un-fill; I was only hungry then if I didn't eat at the normal time and waited an hour or so longer. I still feel like I have to eat slowly and wait a bit between bites to make sure everything goes down okay. I still get full pretty quickly like I did before.

I'm not sure how long the swelling from the acid and vomiting can last. The acid seems to be completely gone (although I'm finishing the 14-day course of Previcid). So I guess I'll just take it day by day.

Thank you all for commiserating with me yesterday about my small loss last week. I'm really not too upset about it, despite my f-bomb laden post to the contrary. I am pretty happy with my current size and I'm thinking about expanding my wardrobe over the next couple of months. I feel like I'm in my "final size" and I want to go out and start buying things that I won't use all the time, like dresses and skirts. I'm also thinking of buying shorts for the first time in a decade!

Seriously?!?! POINT EIGHT?!?!!

2011-03-09T09:15:00.000-08:00

I'm down .8 (.4 kg.) for the week. Seriously. I couldn't eat for 3 1/2 days. I vomited more times than I can remember. I starved, suffered, cursed my horrible luck and lost....POINT EIGHT OF A FUCKING POUND.

So.Not.Fair.

The only thought that got me through the stupid ordeal was at least I'd have a decent weigh in. At least I'd finally be out of the 170's (77-81 kg.), the decade where weight loss has apparently gone to die. I've been there for four months. I was 1.4 lbs. (.6 kg.) away from the 160's. With my BIG loss this week, I'm still .8 lbs. from the 160's. NOT.FUCKING.FAIR!!!!

5 day forecast...

2011-03-08T12:23:00.000-08:00

Rainy, cold, dreary, dark, dank days ahead. No end in sight.

Man, I want some beautiful springtime weather!

NOT.SURE.I'M.GOING.TO.MAKE.IT...

Unfilled...(and TMI)

2011-03-07T16:21:00.000-08:00

Last week was a bad week. I wrote about some of the issues I was having, but to be honest I think I minimized just how bad it was getting. I was struggling with acid reflux at night and waking up choking every few minutes or 30 minutes or 60 minutes. I slept like that Sunday through Wednesday night. My doctor put me on liquids and you guys suggested Previcid, which I'd used with good results in the past. I had also been trying to sleep with my head elevated. When I say I was waking up choking what I really mean was that I was waking up with my mouth full of vomit and I'd run to the bathroom to spew it out. After a day and a half on liquids I had one decent night sleep, Thursday night. I only woke up a few times. I figured the Previcid was kicking in. I was really relieved.

We went up to Portland on Friday. My daughter's second grade class had a field trip to the Oregon Zoo. I ate greek yogurt in the car and lunch at the zoo and felt pretty good. After we were done at the zoo, we goofed around in Portland for a while and since we had a few hours to kill we tried to catch a movie at the Kennedy School, a second-run movie theater that serves beer and pizza where you sit in recliners and watch movies. They didn't have anything playing during the time we wanted to kill so we went to the café. It was happy hour so I bought a couple of cheep appetizers and a cup of coffee. My fella had a beer. All was well for a couple hours. Then we went to my dad's for dinner. I was feeling "off". We were there for a while and I knew things weren't going well. I went to the bathroom and threw up. Like really threw up, not slimed, not PB'd. I thought, "I hope that takes care of it." and I tried a few bites of dinner. You guessed it. No go. More puking.

We drove the 100 miles home and I felt awful. Like in pain, awful. I went to bed when we got home and proceeded to wake every little while to throw up again. I woke up Saturday dehydrated and lethargic. I was supposed to meet with some Oregon Bandsters. I barely had the energy to send an email to say I wasn't going to be there. It was a miserable day. Finally in the afternoon I started trying to call my doctor. I kept thinking it would pass. I knew the acid was probably worse because TOM had come to town. Mostly I didn't really have the $180 to go see my doctor, but I finally decided I had no choice.

My doctor did a partial un-fill. She took a lot out. I don't really know how much. I think I have less than 1 cc in there at the moment, but I felt so much better right away. I slept great the last two nights. I resumed eating on Sunday with no problems.

I'm kind of nervous about the un-fill because I had really great restriction before. I never, not even when I was puking and feeling horrible, had trouble eating. Food and drink always went down with no problem. So I don't think I was too tight, but I must have been tight enough to let the acid reflux get out of control. I was taking famotidine (generic Pepcid), but I thought it was keep the reflux under control. Until it wasn't. My hope is that the un-fill will allow the acid reflux to completely go away. I can get another fill in two weeks if things go well.

I haven't yet been hungry at all. My restriction feels different, but not necessarily bad. I am assuming that I am pretty swollen from all the puking and acid. I also have had some nausea and a weird pain in my chest that I think is probably from damage caused by the acid. I'll talk to my doctor if it doesn't go away in a couple of days.

So that's my tale of woe. Mostly I'm pissed that my precious three-day-weekend was half-wasted, but I'm glad to be on the mend. And I'm a little excited about my weigh-in on Wednesday. There should be ONE good thing that comes from all the liquids and puking.

Daughter Bryn at the zoo

At my dad's house Friday night

New blogger

2011-03-03T10:30:00.000-08:00

I am so excited to tell you that one of my real life friends is in the approval process for WLS and just started blogging about her experience. Please pay Kenda a visit and be one of her first followers. Kenda and I went to college together and she's a super-nice person. She's got a bunch of scary/cool things going on in her life right now and needs some support!

Can you believe this is my THIRD post this morning?

Becoming "Normal"

2011-03-03T10:15:00.000-08:00

More than wanting to be thin, I wanted to have a "normal" relationship with food. I didn't want to think about food all the time. I didn't want to be constantly chastising myself for what I was eating or what I wished I was eating or what I wasn't eating. I believed it was possible to eat when I was hungry and stop when I was full. I believed that I could eat all foods in moderation; that nothing had to be off-limits. I believed these things, but I'd never actually lived them.

As long as I can remember, food played a disproportionate role in my life. I was a thin child and a thin teen and a thin adult until I was 29. But through all those years, I felt out of control with food. I felt like if I permitted myself to eat the way I wanted to eat, I'd weigh 500 lbs. Events were about the food I could eat, the food I couldn't eat, and the food I wanted to eat.

I had no idea how to obtain this normal food relationship. I read books. I went to Overeaters Anonymous. I went through eating disorder treatment. I remember trying to defend myself to my ex-boyfriend, Eddie, (who had food issues of his own) when it came to having certain foods around our home. I had taken to buying a tube of uncooked cookie dough and having a bit, raw, as dessert. He believed that I was deluding myself by having that stuff around. He thought that with my past food issues, I should abstain from eating sweets and fats FOREVER. He said that the fact that I was so attached to those foods proved that I wasn't eating them "normally", that I was being compulsive about having sweets and eventually I would binge on them.

One thing I have learned about myself is that other people can really influence my confidence in my beliefs. I thought that I could eat sweets in moderation, but when Eddie questioned it, I became defensive and resumed my previous "sneaky" food behavior. And eventually I binged because for me sneaking food is a part of that binge behavior.

But I don't want to talk about Eddie just right now. I want to talk about the other part of it. I want to talk about trying to have a "normal" relationship with food. I want to talk about what that means and how we go about getting it.

See, I think I have a normal relationship with food right now. At least as normal as I've ever had. I'm not compulsive about food. I don't obsess about food. I don't think about food all the time. I eat what I want. I stop when I'm full. I don't "go off program" because there's no program to go off of. I do what I do. I don't always make good food choices. Sometimes I overeat. Sometimes I eat when I'm not hungry. But most of the time, I'm pretty normal. And when I do make a mistake, it doesn't last long and I don't struggle to resume "normal" behaviors.

I don't know how I got here, to be honest. I know it has to do with finally stopping dieting and stopping beating myself up about food. I know, too, that having my lap-band to tell me when I've had enough is a HUGE part of my success. I don't know if I could have done it without that. But I also know that there's more to it than simply having weight loss surgery. I read other blogs where people talking about needing to get their mojo back, needing to do a 5-day pouch test to get back on track, needing to go to the gym again and I understand those feelings, but I also recognize that I don't feel that way now. To me that sounds like how I felt BEFORE I had surgery when I was always thinking I needed to "do" something - go on a diet, start an exercise routine, SOMETHING. I wish I could give some concrete advice so that others could have what I have, because it is amazing to be free from all that crap.